A little depressing

My brain runs faster and deeper than anyone can imagine. I think about things in the past and in the future. People that have hurt me years and years ago and what I would do if I saw them again. My grandmother is not well and she is up there is age; my parents are busy thinking about either losing their jobs or dying so now I keep getting these images in my head of receiving a phone call telling me that someone has died.

I'm watching Grey's Anatomy right now and Catherine Heigle's character, Dr. Izzy Stevens, has cancer. She is a young, beautiful and lively young woman and all of a sudden she gets sick. She's finally in a "good" relationship, she's successful and she has everything going for her and there is a chance that she will lose everything. I live alone and if something happened to me, the "friends" that I have nearby wouldn't really notice and the ones that would aren't around.

Sometimes it makes me wonder what the whole point is. We are put on this Earth to eventually leave it. Why have us here at all? Why bother?

These are the things that go on in my head every minute of everyday. This is why I try so hard to find joy in the smallest things or in things that others may find silly. That is why I enjoy food and music and art and John, Hank and Maureen. I may never sing on Broadway or meet Maureen and the Greens, but at least I'll be able to keep myself sane until it's my time to go.

Times are hard and I can't go out like I used to when I was in college and be able to wake up at 5 in the morning and work. Gosh, I'm so tired. I'll be back tomorrow.

I think this week has been a pretty lame blog week. Something good better happen soon.