Thursday, December 21, 2006

My Addiction

My current addiction is Old English novels. Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters are Godsends. In the past few months I have read Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and now Persuasion. At first I started reading these books because I felt that I needed to. I thought that these were books that I should have read in high school. I am so happy that I made myself read them because I was missing out.

The one that I enjoyed reading the most was Jane Eyre. It was so amazing and I definitely felt her pain. I was able to relate to her character minus the happy ending of course, but i just loved it. I saw the BBC mini series on youtube and I was so happy I saw it. I wish I wasn't broke so that I could buy it on DVD.

When I was in Atlantic City, I saw Sense and Sensibility and I was hooked. I was Marianne. I haven't read the book yet but I need to and I know that I am going to love it so much. I'm very happy that I started reading again. I really needed it, seeing as how I have no life, I'd rather live vicariously through the characters.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Disclaimer!!! Anything that you read here that may seem disturbing is jut my way of venting. I will in no way cause any of the bad things that you will read about. I'm just blowing off some steam.

I am still learning who my friends are and I realize that I don't have many; I actually have very few. I don't just mean friends to hang out with, I mean friends who are there for me through whatever, whenever. That is why I have my family. My sister, my mom and sometimes my cousin Joelle are the ones who I can go to in my family and speak relatively honestly with them. But who do I go to when I get annoyed with them?

I want my friends to be genuinely excited to see me or to hear from me, and I want them to want to talk to me also. I have Kim Charlie and Mollie, three friendships that lasted successfully for several years and I am so grateful for that. I just wish that I was around them more often or they were around me more often so my life wouldn't be as miserable as it is.

I don't want to be miserable, I just keep finding myself in these situations where I need a shoulder to cry on and there is no one there for me and that makes me ever sadder. I made a decision a while ago to take someone out of my life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I was in love with him. We used to be very good friends and after we had our encounter, we split apart for a little while and then reconnected. I was happy to have him in my life again but I don't think he was too thrilled, at least that is what I was sensing. I wasn't really sure what to think of it at first because I was just happy to be speaking to him again, but when he started dating what's-her-face, he would stop talking to me for a while. Then they would break up and he would tell me about it and be all miserable. Then they'd get back together and I wouldn't hear from him again. I wanted to have a better relationship with him or at least have it the way it was before our encounter. I realized that it would never be that way again to I made a choice. I asked myself:

Is this really the kind of person that I want in my life? Is this the kind of person that I want to love?

I made one last effort to show him how I felt and he chose not to acknowledge it so that is when I gave him the boot. The sad part of it all is that he never made an effort to try to redeem himself. So now I feel like he's happy to have me out of his life, so once again I lost me excitement about giving someone the ol' heave-ho.
It irritates me to know that he doesn't care and now all i want to do is hurt him, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want him to suffer 2 year's worth of pain like I did. He took 6 years of my life and and screwed it up completely. The first 4, I must admit was the best, but the last two were hell for me and I want him to pay!!!!

I want someone to mess with his mind and his heart; I want someone to take advantage of him; I want someone to use him; I want someone to drive him to suicidalness. I want him to know how it feels to be treated like dirt by someone he loves. I don't want him to die because that would be letting him off the hook. He needs to be scarred like I am.

The thing that I want most in the world is for him to come to me face to face, kneel down before me, take my hand and give me a 20 minute long apology, which I will gracefully accept because whatever pain that I would be able to inflict on him, no matter how great, will fail in comparison to the torture he is going to experience in HELL!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Sense and Sensibility

Will I ever find my Colonel Brandon?

I was watching Sense and Sensibility yesterday with Kate Winslett and Emma Thompson. I had seen the movie once before, but this time I was able to relate to Marianne's character. She fell in love with a man who practically saved her life and her heart was broken when she found out that he was with another person.
Willoughby and Marianne shared a passion for art and poetry and life. They had such a connection and even though the words were not spoken, they loved each other. I would tell you the rest, but it is too complicated, so you just have to see the movie. The part that really got to me was when Marianne stood at the top of the hill looking over at his house, in the rain and repeated his name over and over again. I have lived that moment, the moment when you feel complete hopelessness. The moment when you would rather die than live another day without the person you love. It's not a good thing to feel, trust me.

In comes Col. Brandon who fell in love with her the very moment he heard her sing and play the pianoforte (which was the beginning of the movie/book). He, of course stepped aside when he knew that she loved Willoughby. All he wanted was her happiness. At her complete low, he came to her rescue and became devasted when she fell ill. He did what he could to see that she had what she needed and stayed by her side while she recovered. She eventually fell in love with him and they married.
I apologize if I spoiled the film/book for you, but I just wanted to express that I have had a very hard time in the love department because of a particular someone. Now he is with someone else and I am standing in the rain watching from afar. I would like to one day be rescued by my own Col. Brandon and live in eternal bliss while Willoughby stands on the hill watching from afar.

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