Saturday, September 13, 2008


So, in my last post, I mentioned something about seeing someone and that went great for a little while until he decided to be totally random and pull the "it's not you, it's me" thing (in an email, no less).
This is the email (no, I don't mind if you read it.):

Dear Regine,
I'm writing you this letter because I need to express to you my feelings, and I'm better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. I also want you to truly hear what I'm saying to you and I'm afraid that you might not hear all the positive in person or over the phone. Regine, I have had so much fun dating you and being your boyfriend over the last month and a half. You are the best person I've ever met on and I feel like we share so many interests and values in common. Let me just list a few of the qualities I appreciate in you:
. You have a great sense of humor and always know how to make me laugh. I also love making you laugh.
. You're intelligent and driven and have strong values and know what you want in life.. You're attractive, stylish, sexy, a great kisser and know how to turn me on.
. You're open-minded, easy-going and adventurous and that makes going places with you really fun.. I love going on walks with you and talking about anything at all.
. You're caring, affectionate and a great listener and I have always felt like I can trust you and tell you anything and everything.
. I love having drinks with you and watching you get all silly. I can't help but smile from ear to ear whenever I think of going to Steel Garden with you.
. You're accepting of me and all my faults. I'm far from perfect, but you've always made me feel good about myself, handsome, and adequate.
. You've opened my eyes to a lot of things and I've learned so much from you.. I love that you like animals and have always shown an interest in the things that interest me and make me happy.
. I love that you have a pretty voice and can dance and have so many other feminine virtues and qualities.
And the list goes on.What I'm trying to say is that you are a wonderful girlfriend and friend to me. Nevertheless, I know that you can sense there is something wrong and since truth is a value that we both strongly believe in I need to tell you how I feel. Honestly, Regine, I feel like before I can commit to you, I need to have the opportunity to date more women. The fact is that I've dated very few women and I feel a strong need to continue to date for a while so that I know what is out there and can learn what I really want. I want you to know that I haven't been seeing anyone, going on dates or cheating on you. Honesty is important to both of us, so I want you to know that I have been exchanging a few emails with women on That has been going on for about 2 weeks and I want you to know since I don't want to keep anything from you. Most likely if I end up going on dates with these women they won't be right for me and won't compare to you, but I feel like I need to find out for myself and not lose this learning opportunity. Dating you has been absolutely wonderful and I am trying to make you understand that this is about me and not you. You've done nothing wrong and everything right and I'd like to be able to continue seeing and dating you if you are ok with that. I can certainly understand if you are not ok with that and don't want to see me again, but this is nothing personal and I don't want to anger or alienate you. I also know that you haven't dated much either, and I want you to date more guys as well, so that you too can learn more about yourself and what you want in a relationship.All this is coming up now because I feel guilty for not being as good a boyfriend to you as you deserve and I know I can be. I pride myself on being a good boyfriend, but I haven't been as good a boyfriend to you as I want to be because I didn't want to lead you on and make things worse. For example, I've wanted to bring you flowers for a long time now, and I know they are long overdue, but I felt that it would send the wrong signal when I at the same time feel like I want to date some more. Likewise, I haven't been as affectionate and complimentary to you as I would like to be. That's also why I haven't brought you home to meet my parents. I want them to meet you very much, but I was afraid to take that step and advance our relationship because I don't want to lead you on anymore than I'm afraid I already have and I certainly don't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry if this is hurting you Regine. I've been crying while writing this because it hurts me to think that I'm hurting you. You've been absolutely wonderful to me and it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone. Sadly, the very nature of dating means that someone's feelings are always involved. I hope this letter has helped you understand how I feel. Again, you've done nothing wrong and I would like to continue seeing you. Yet I also feel like I need to date a few more women so that I don't always wonder "what if?". I hope you can understand that I'm trying to do the right thing. I also hope that if you feel you no longer want to date me, you will still value our friendship (now I'm crying again) because I've had more fun with you over the last couple months than with any of my guy friends. You are truly a pleasure to be around.Finally, I just wanted to say that I would love to talk to you about all this in person. I only wrote you this first because I wanted to express myself clearly and give you a chance to decide if you would be willing to see me again and discuss our relationship. Please respond to this email or call me and let me know how you feel and what you would like.

This is how I responded:

I lied to you yesterday when I said that I was in a mellow mood after you told me that I seemed sad on the phone. I was very sad, and I had no idea why. Today at work, I had the biggest headache in the world and it only got worse as the day went on; I figured it was just the heat. I suppose I should believe people when they say that I have psychic tendencies. I must say that your email was well written, and I can't be too angry with someone who just wants to be honest with me. The truth really does hurt, whether you are telling it or hearing it, though I have to admit, it is much worse being on the receiving end of it. I had to read your email several times so that I can understand it as a rational human being rather than the pissed off girlfriend. I guess I see where you are coming from, and it would be better to talk about this in person. I've got some questions (15 to be exact)that need to be answered before I am able to make a decision. I called you a couple of times already and I guess no one was home (it was probably for the best). By the way, I read my horoscope today and this is what it said: "What does it mean to be a friend? The answer to that question is a little bit different for everyone, which will become all too apparent today when someone you relied on lets you down one more time. You two need to have a talk, and you need to have it today. Honest communication doesn't always feel that pleasant, but it is the only way to get things back on track. If you have expectations that they aren't fulfilling, they need to know about it." It's funny how the universe works.

Now I thought that I was being super clever with that response, but after realizing that there was no response to it, I later found out that he never received it. Weird, hunh?
So yes, we did talk on the phone after that and we decided that he can go off and do whatever he wants to do and I will have no part of it. I'll still be his friend (and I was serious about that. I take my friendships very seriously).

Now, back to his email and what he told me on the phone (i really wish I had a transcript of that conversation). Apparently I was this great girlfriend, I think he used wonderful and amazing a couple of times. If I'm so wonderful and amazing, why is he looking for something else? Some people would come to me and say, "why do you care so much? You only went out for 2 months." I know that two months is a short time, but our relationship was like a really great massage. You don't know how long it's going to last, but you are having the time of your life while your having it and then the thing that you want to last forever suddenly stops. It's natural to get disappointed, and the better the massage, the more disappointed you get.

We broke up a month and a half ago so I should be over it. I'm almost over it, but the thing that I can not get over is his self-deprication and his having nothing but good things to say about me. If he's so flawed and I'm so wonderful then what makes him think that he is capable of finding someone better than I am?

I'm scared that he actually will find someone better and he'll want nothing to do with me. I keep imagining this "Persuasion-esque" situation where years from now, we meet up again and we're both single and he tells me that he's never forgotten about me. In the off chance that he does want me back how will I know that it is because I'm the only one for him and not because he can't find anyone else so he'd rather settle?

I know, I do think too much, but that is what happens when you have so much " should be on a date" time.

Monday, June 09, 2008

Wow, long time, hunh?

Well, there is a lot to discuss.

Work: I'm working the early shift with very annoying people and kids that like to come in earlier than they are supposed to. I'm getting paid a little bit more, and when I say a little bit I mean a little bit. At least I have a permanant room and I get to work closer with people that I do like.

Right now I've teamed up with my sister to work on my resume and stuff so that I can look like the perfect candidate for writing jobs. I'm pretty much open for any reasonable job that requires a brain and pays over $10/hr.

Home: Still living in this house by myself, but I really don't mind it at all. I like having this place to myself and I finally got over my fear that soemone might sneak up behind me in the dark and try to rape me or kill me.

Social: I'm still a homebody, but I really don't care. I just go to work and come back home. I walk around with my head down or I walk fast so I don't have to deal with people. Sad, I know but it's easy. My coworkers are my friends though so I at least get to see them every weekday. All we do is talk and joke around and watch the babies.

Personal: I think I have a boyfriend. I met him on and he is really sweet. We have a lot in common. He's really smart and really sexy. He's exactly what I was looking for and I hope it lasts.

ok, that's it for now. Hopefully I won't take as long to write in here.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Start

Alright, so I am still working at this crap-ass job with these people who do not appreciate the things that I do for them. Every single day that I am at that day care, I say to myself (as I am on my hands and knees cleaning the floors and the toilets) "I did not go through boarding school and college for this."
Last year when I went to the NY Hill Reception, I was so embarrassed to be standing in froont of these people who had much better things going on in their lives than I do. I saw my old teachers and my fox of a track coach, and every second that I talked to them, I felt as if I had let them down. I saw the headmaster and his wife and they were looking at me like I was a daughter that they hadn't seen for years. All I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here? Why did I want to come here?"
The night before, I was so excited to see everyone and when it was over, I felt like a complete failure. At least back then, I was able to say that I was singing and I was giving back to my community by volunteering at my church. What can I say now? The reception is coming up this February and I don't think I have the guts to go. Other than having to pay $55 to go, and whatever the cost for transportation, I don't think I can look these people in the eyes again and say, "Hi, I work at a day care as an ass-istant teacher and all I do is change diapers and clean toilets."
I told myself a long time ago that I did not want to teach (I don't really remember the reasoning behind that, but there you have it). I think back then, I thought that I would have come to my senses and fought for everything that I wanted, but no; I'm still the same push-over as ever. I lack the "go-for-it" mentality that everyone is trying to push into my head. I want it, though. Very much! So what am I going to do to get it?


Well I know that however I go about this, it will have to be in baby steps because I know myself too well. Whenever I through myself into something I through myself out and I give up.
Well first:
I have to sit and think (positively) about what it is I really want 1. for right now and 2. for the future.

Work on my right now goal (I'm not calling this my short term goal because this is something that should have been done last year) while keeping the future in mind.

I have to incorporate others in this because I cannot do this by myself. This means that I have to get some connections and I have to turn the people that I already know into supporters. I need as much positive reinforcement as possible because I have a feeling that I am going to encounter many discouraging arseholes.

I have to eliminate my obstacles. I will not fraternise with frowners, downers, pinchers, lynchers, asses and the general negative masses.

I just need to remember that this is my only chance at getting the life that I want and deserve. I've already wasted 2 years of this precious life. That is time that I will never get back. This may sound selfish but until I have children, I am my primary concern. I should be satisfying myself before I even think about someone else. I'm all I've got.
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