Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Lying for Love

For those of us out there looking for love, I bet that we all find ourselves watching romance movies and swoon in the end when everything turns out right for the lovers. Even though all of the movies have different titles, they all still have the same plot. Person A loves Person B. A lies to get B's attention and affection. A and B fall in love. B finds out the truth. A and B break up. B comes back and had that "I love you even though you lied to me" moment. Happy Ending!


The only thing that sucks about that whole scenario is that the world thinks that it actually works that way. We embellish on our resumes to get the perfect job. We wear heals, corsets, makeup and God know what else to make ourselves look more desirable. What we forget to remember is that, even though we get what we want by lying, the truth always comes out.
We stress ourselves out by maintaining the lie, and when it comes out, we feel like our world has been shattered.

The world doesn't end because you are 5'9", 230lbs, Afro-American, unemployed, single and unhappy with yourself.

News flash!
God gave you your life for a reason. Don't go changing what he made because you can't make improvements on perfection.

If you find yourself having to lie to attract the person that you think might be the love of your life, obviously that person was not meant for you. Sure, there may be the select few cases where everything works out, but life isn't scripted and you have to work with what you have.

I'm getting sick of people telling me that if I were thinner or if I wore makeup, then maybe I wouldn't be single right now. It's amazing that these people are still alive, considering my temper. The problem, though, was that I believed them. Sometimes I wouldn't eat or consider making myself sick afterwards. I'd look in the mirror and try to find something that might be seen as attractive. I started doing things that people wanted me to do, in hopes that they would like me a little bit. Once they started to like me, they became my whole life. I stopped doing things that I liked so that I could satisfy them.

I lost myself.

Once I took a hard look at what I was doing, I thought to myself (once having been a big fan of those romantic films) if these people really love me, then they will accept the real me.


Guess not. I didn't get my happy ending.

So what am I saying to all of you people who,I'm sure, are not reading this?
Be yourself. Love yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval. When you are lying on your death bed, you won't want to think about whether or not you pleased someone else satisfactorily. You would want to look bad on the times when you were most happy being yourself.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Releasing my emotional baggage

I'll tell you my problems, you look at me with disgust and I walk away in shame.

Why have I decided to air out my dirty laundry? Well admittance is the first step to recovery.

Well the root of every girl's problems goes straight back to her mother. My mother is a lunatic. I want to love her, I try to love her. Yesterday, she came home from work and I saw her outside with her hair flowing in the breeze and I thought to myself, my mom is really beautiful. Then she comes inside and tells me that I have to go to church with her. Normally I'm fine with that, but it was an all new episode of Gilmore Girls and I didn't want to miss it. Call me sacreligious but Jesus knows I have nothing but love for him. He told me so. Anywho, she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. She proceeded to say that I was a burden and that I need to grow up. Now I'm thinking to myself, why did this bitch have to ruin my day. I was making progress and then she had to open her mouth. I'm at home looking for work and trying to get skinny per her request and she comes home and continues to kick me while I'm down. Now that was just yesterday.
Now there is my sister, the overachiever, the semi-genius, the perfect one. All my life I have had to live up to her. I tell her my problems and she calls me pathetic. She tells me her problems and I'm supposed to be supportive. I cut all of my hair off because I'm depressed and she calls me dumb. She cuts her hair off because she's depressed and she is a poor brave soul who has found the courage to start over. THAT HEIFFER!!!
The only person at home that I feel comfortable around is my little brother. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot like my sister does. He doesn't make me feel like garbage like my mother does and he doesn't make me feel like a human punching bag like my dad does. The only problem is that he has Down Syndrome so he has no idea what I talk about and half the time I can't understand what he says.
I don't have a job, a boyfriend or any friends that live close so I have nowhere to go. I don't have my license yet so even if I had someplace to go, I'd have no way to get there.

Shall I continue?

Image issues: from the neck up, I'm fine, everything else is a mess. I don't believe it when people say that I look good because my family never said it to me. I'd always hear "you would be so pretty if you lost weight". "Maybe you would get a boyfriend if you dressed nicer, lost weight and wore makeup." I used to be (ahem) top heavy, but I fixed that, but now I'm scarred for life (physically and emotionally)
Romantic issues: almost every guy that I was interested in was either gay or completely not interested. Apparently you have to be drunk or deperate to approach me.I have to admitt that there was one that was genuine but...
I think that is all that I can think of for now. I'm a bit miffed and I wish I had a couple of drinks in me.

My mother is crazy

She is making it really hard for me to love her.
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