Monday, April 06, 2009

Does anyone else feel hot?

Have you ever felt so angry and scared and broken that you felt like your body was going to burst? You want to cry and scream and hit something, but you have so much self control that all you can do is shiver. You feel the urge but you don't do anything about it even though you are alone and there is no one there to look at you funny or judge. You want to voice every expletive you know in every language that you know, but all you allow yourself to say is "darn".

I should have gone to the gym today to let all of this energy out. I can feel the electricity in my fingertips and it seems that typing is good for me right now.

So you are wondering why I'm feeling the way I am, well if you've read my past blogs, you would know a little bit of why. I'm pissed about my romantic situation. Now add intellectual frustration along with feelings of insignificance and the lack of a support system.

Intellectual frustration because I work with children all day and I can call myself a teacher all I want but all I really do is deal with screaming babies, change diapers and try hard to keep them from throwing up on me. I'm a glorified babysitter with no benefits and no glory. I have to do whatever it takes to keep those babies safe and healthy but I have no insurance so if something happens to me, I'm screwed.

Upside: At least I have a job. There are a lot of people out there who don't have jobs and have so much hope in their hearts and get disappointed everyday.

Feelings of insignificance because I'm at this job where I have the most education and I'm just an assistant. I keep finding guys who don't think I worth sticking around for. My work friends aren't my real friends; they have their interesting outings and don't bother to invite me. I have all of these ideas in my head and no one around to listen. (I have this blog and no one reads it unless it's on the Ning).

Upside: At least I have a working computer, a roof over my head, people to talk to at work and Nerdfighters who like to show support. (Thanks!!!)

Lack of support system because my parents aren't around and they don't understand any of this because they are busy telling me stories about how they lived when they were still in Haiti and had to help support their many brothers and sisters. They have no sympathy for me and they refuse to try. My sister lives on the other side of the country and is almost done working on her PhD, so obviously, she is too busy for me. My older brother would be supportive if he didn't live in Florida with his new family.

Upside: At least I have a family. There are lots of people walking around here who are completely alone.

Any way, I know that something good with happen to me soon because I'm really close to hitting rock bottom and that is generally when something good comes around to pick you back up. Maybe it will be my trip to Montreal next week. I get to see my grandmother and my aunts, uncles and cousins. I've been looking forward to this for a while and I haven't seen them or been out of this country in over a year. I finally get a vacation from this silly country and the crazy people who drive me insane everyday. I just hope my aunts don't get all "you should improve yourself by doing this and this and this and this". I am so tired of that and I would rather not hear it.

Ok, I think I'm done for today. Enough of the pity party, though tomorrow might be the same way. I hope you don't mind. I apologize in advance.

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