Thursday, August 04, 2011

Will You Be My Friend?

So I don't really get out much. Ok, I don't get out at all. I don't have many friends in my area. Ok I have no friends in my area and I don't exactly live in a place where I would want to go out alone.  I've tried joining meetup groups but there aren't any cool ones here. There aren't any that really fit my interests. Everything is in NYC and I have qualms about traveling to the city alone, especially at night. 

Maybe I live a sheltered life or maybe I'm just being cautious. What I know for certain is that I haven't made a new acquaintance in about a year and that mess needs to change. I quite enjoy making new friends. Large groups are exhausting, but having a nice tight knit group is always nice to have. I miss going on group outings. I miss going to my friends house and hanging out.  It was so much easier to do when I used to live in a dorm room, but now, living with the rents in a city that no one would want to set foot in really puts a damper on things.

Now, if I am having a hard time making new friends in this city that I grew up in, how in the world am I going to find someone to love? Just by looking at some of the guys in my city, I know that my Mr. Right isn't here. I thought maybe online dating would help me. So far no luck. eHarmony, Match, Plentyoffish, none of these helped me out (yet). I don't want to count online dating out just yet because it's still fresh and you can't move to a new place and expect to find the love of your life in the first two months of being there.

I guess I need to realize that if I want to invite people into my life, I have to make my life available for other people to notice.  The reason why I never meet anyone new is because I'm busy doing the same things everyday and seeing the same people everyday. I have to do something out of the ordinary. I need to get out of my comfort zone.  I need to get over my fear of people, their opinions and the possibility of being rejected by them.

Even though I may be alone physically, I know that I'm not alone when it comes to fearing other people opinions. I missed out on the possibility of having a great, long-lasting friendships because I was afraid of what my friends thought of me and it made me paranoid.  They are off having the time of their lives and I'm here writing a blog for people who don't read it.

Thursday, May 05, 2011


Earlier today, I was letting my mind wander. Sometimes I like to let my mind make the weirdest connections between things. What came to me was a connection between people, light and stars.

We've all heard people say "you are the light onf my life" or something to that effect and sometimes we respond with, Yeah, ok, whatever. I think of light as a person's essence. There's the positive light (bright shiny and happy) and there is the negative light (black light).

Light in and of itself is a simple yet powerful thing. Light is pure.

In me, my essence is what brings me joy, my passions. My essence in relation to my light bulb of a body is my SELF.  When I am my SELF, I am pure.

Light, in relation to other things is an aide or a booster. Light helps you see the things around you. Light lets you know that one thing is this color and another thing is that color.  Light doesn't just let you see other things, it lets you know who or what they are. Also, you need light to know that light exists. Light fuctions for itself and for others.

I, like light, have relationships with other things. When I am being myself, I know what things interest me and what things don't. I know which people I get along with and which ones I don't. When I interact with other people, I know that I havedifferent opeinions and views on things and that lets me know that I am different from you, and that lets you know that you are different from me. Whether intentional or not, I live for me and for you.

The shine of a star's light can travel light years away and shine for many many years after the star has disappeared. The light may not be at the same exact spot where the star once was, but it is still shining somewhere.

Even after we pass on, the people we were continue to live on in the memories of other people.  The things we've done with our selves and our time has impacted tons more people than we realize.  The stars in the sky have no idea how much we love to stare at a night sky because of them. They have no idea that we make wishes on them.  I bet the lady at the bank who said "God Bless you young lady, and ooh, you hair looks very nice" has no idea how she totally made my day today.

Earlier, I mentioned something called the negative light or the black light. I think that it is safe to say that you all know what black light does. Also called Ultra Violet Light, when it is on in a dark room, it doesn't make the room look brighter or more visible, it makes all of the impurities of the room visible (God help you if you ever had to use it is a dude's room). The purpose of black light is the complete opposite of the use of regular light. Sure, they both help you to see, but one is only meant for the bad things.

I would like for all of you to think about how you are all using your light. Light helps you see everything, the good and the bad, in everything else and within your self

Monday, March 28, 2011

Be A Dandelion

When I was a little girl, I would see these pretty little flowers scattered all over the place. I learned that there were called dandelions. What a cute name, I thought.  I later learned that Dandelions were weeds and that people didn't want weeds in their gardens. People would have a very hard time trying to get rid of these dandelions because the roots were very strong and they ran deep into the earth. The only way that a dandelion can be destroyed is if the roots (its connection to the earth) is destroyed.

I would like to think that people are like dandelions. We are beautiful creations that are put on this earth to live. We may encounter people in our lives who don't find us appealing and may, in turn, want to destroy us. They attack us superficially. They try to convince us that there is something wrong with us. They try to convince us that we are ugly, unwanted weeds.

When we continue to thrive and succeed, they wonder how it is that we do what we do and start to question our values and principles. "She got the promotion because she is sleeping with her boss", "He probably stole that watch from somebody else".  What these people begin to realize is that we, like dandelions, have strong roots. That is why they feel the need to attack us on a deeper level. They make us question our relationships and the things that we believe in. 

{Roots are a dandelion's connection to the earth. Relationships (to our families, our friends, ourselves, and our beliefs) are our connections to the Earth.  I've learned that a relationship is proof that we are living.  If I was the only thing in existence, how would I know that I existed? I would know that I am alive because there is something or someone else to relate to.}

Every living thing in existence has the same goals, "be, grow and multiply". What we humans refuse to understand is that things really are as simple as that.  Our roots (relationships) help us to achieve those goals. The people who put us down are afraid to be seen as ugly ol' weeds so instead of boosting themselves up to feel like beautiful flowers, they convince everyone around them that they are ugly ol' weeds as well.  They are weakening the relatinships that they have with us by trying to weaken our relationships with others.  While trying to destroy us, they are, in turn, destroying themselves.

Not only do you empower your self, but you empower others when you keep your roots strong.

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

If I Were on Glee

If I were on Glee, I think I would play Mercedes' sister.  I've already given her the name "Portia" and a storyline.

Portia is home for spring break from college.  She's an A student but she is having trouble fitting in and making friends.  She gets jealous of Mercedes for having this great group of glee friends and gets all "attitudey" with her sister.  One night when Mercedes, Rachel and Kurt are having a sleep over, Portia becomes green-eyed when she sees how much fun they are having.  Portia gets into an argument with Mercedes about how she needs to study and the others are making too much noise or whatever. Mercedes then says something mean like "Why did you have to come home anyway? Nobody asked you to come!"  Portia starts to cry and goes back into her room.  Rachel and Kurt persuade Mercedes to reconcile with her sister.  Portia confesses her jealousy and they make up and Mercedes confesses that the always wished she were smarter like Portia. Rachel, Kurt and Mercedes decide to give Portia a little makeover and they all sing "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee" from Grease while doing so.

Doesn't that sound like a good episode? I just think that Glee needs a little more color and Mercedes deserves a little more plot than "I'm the sassy full-figured black girl who fell for the gay guy so now you will never see me with a love interest".

I'm sorry but how is it that every other girl on that show (aside from dear, blessed Beckie) manages to get multiple hook-ups and Mercedes is the only one who has to sit alone jonesing for Kurt. (It's like me in high school)

Dear Fox and the Creator of Glee,

Fix this!!! NOW!!!


Monday, February 28, 2011

A Story Worth Telling

I've talked about how fun reading can be and being able to escape to another world while reading.  Lately, I've found myself completely embodying the characters in the books that I read.

I find a relatable character, most likely the female lead, and I become her for the duration of my reading time.  I feel her anger, her sorrow, her passion. I don't do this intentionally; it just sort of happens. Maybe it's normal, maybe it isn't, but I feel like a completely different person.

It could very well be bacause I find my real life so blah, and the lives of the characters in the books so much more exciting. I don't actually wish I was that character because sometimes they go through some effed up stuff, but I guess my deeper reason for wanting to feel their lives is because their stories were worth telling. Whether fictional or not, someone felt it was important to tell a story of that particular person, and I would like to live a life that is worth being remembered.

Friday, February 25, 2011


It hurts to know that the people who I thought were on my side were only there for their own personal gain. How can it be that the only reason why these people help me is because I'm doing what they want me to do.  How can these people, who are supposed to love me unconditionally, make me feel like if I don't do as I'm told, I won't be loved.

These are not the people that I want in my life.

We choose the people that are in our lives, whether we know it or not. I choose to take these people out of my life.

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Creation 10 - Home

A Haiku

My Heart is not here.
My Heart, she lives within me.
I am my own home.

Deep, right? I know.

Parental Pressure

I've noticed that there is a very thin line between the pressure that parents put on their kids and parents wanting what's best for their kids.

I've also noticed that it is very hard for parents to realize that their kids are growing up. I think that parents put pressure on their kids so that they can feel like they still have an influence on their children's decisions. Sometimes they take it to a level where they try to make their children feel like bad people for not doing as they are told.

I thought you raised us to have a mind of our own instead of having to depend on someone else to make our decisions.

I thought that this country provided us with countless opportunities, not limited, preselected ones.

I don't want to be what you want me to be. I'd rather not a boatload of money every year if it means having to be grumpy for 11 1/2 hours everyday.

The only thing that I can bring with me to my grave is happiness and that is what I intend to do.

How to date when living with the 'rents

I joined eHarmony in December hoping to find some romance for this year. So far nothing, but It's only February. Now that I am living back home with the parents, I don't really have much of a social life and whenever I go out and act my age, I get reprimanded like a 12 year old.

I'm sorry, I thought I was allowed to have a drink now and then.

Having a social life is pretty hard when I live at home with my parents.  I can't exactly bring friends over because it would feel like I was being chaperoned. Imagine if I brought a date home and our relationship wasn't at the "let's meet the parents" phase yet. What a tragedy that would be. 

I'm almost afraid to find someone just for that particular reason.  In my head, I feel that I can't date like a real 26 year old until I live on my own place.  One thing I know for sure, if I started dating while living with the 'rents, it would be practically impossible for me to g too fast with whomever I'm seeing. That's is the only plus I can think of at the moment.

I guess, no matter situation you are in, however bad it may seem, there is always a plus side.

I wish I were dating right now, but at least I don't have to deal with the awkwardness ofa sexual relationship.

I wish I were living on my own, but at least I have the opportunity to save money for trips.

I wish I didn't live with my parents, but at least I have parents who care enough to let me stay.


It is really hard to blog everyday when nothing exciting happens to me on a daily basis. I haven't exercised in a week and a half and I feel like a cow. I've been nursing my bed bug bites on my chest. They are gone now, but you can  tell that they were there. Now it just looks like a giant M shaped bruise.

The last couple of weeks have been more downs than ups so I need to get back on track. I made a promise to myself that I would exercise everyday and that is what I am going to do. I was enjoying my routine, and it was actually making a difference.

I also promised that I would write everyday this month and that went down the drain.  So I am going to make up the days (fingers crossed) and have 28 February posts on the 28th.

My seminar is teaching me a lot about the promises that I make. I shouldn't feel bad and give up after my promise is broken; I whould just fix my promise and make things right with the world.

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Honest, Trustworthy and Passionate is the new Tall, Dark and Handsome

So I'm learning about understanding the difference between standards/ ideals and values/principles.  When it comes to the people in my life and my relationships with them (especially the relationships that aren't working), I see how much I hold them to these impossible standards. It's totally unfair to them and totally unrealistic of me. I also see that if something is missing in a relationship, I have to step up and make that change. It is almost certain that the thing that is missing is the major reason why the relationship isn't working.

How did you select the people in your life? Did you say that you wanted smart, good looking friends or did you ask for supportive and trustworthy friends? Did you get what you asked for? Are you happy with what you got? Is there something missing? Do you value your friendship enough to step up to the plate and provide the missing piece? This goes for family and coworkers too.

Before you can have people in your life who embody your values and principles, you would have to embody your values and principles.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Valentine's Eve

I'm really enjoying my mom's company lately. When it has nothing to do with my physical being, she can have some really good advice to give. I love hearing stories about the family when she was still living in a one bedroom house with her parents and 9 brothers and sisters. I try to have moments like that with my dad, but if I'm not wearing a soccer uniform, cleats and kicking a ball around on TV, I don't have a chance.

So today's Mommy and me movie was "Love Happens" with Jennifer Aniston and Aaron Eckhart. I saw it in the theater when it came out and I thought it was cute. I'm glad that I got to share another movie with my mother. She really liked it.

It's funny, romantic and emotional. I'm glad that it wasn't one of those movies where the people sleep with each other before they really get to know each other.

Sunday, February 13, 2011

It Feels Good to do Good

You all may or may not know that I write for the Operation: Empower Haiti blog which helps to bring awareness to the struggles that the Haitians have been facing since the earthquake on January 12, 2010. I've wanted to be a writer for a long time, and I never had the courage to put myself out there as a writer. It feels good to know that not only am I writing, but I am doing it for a good cause.

I'm sure that it has crossed everyone's mind to do something for a charity, but it always feels like a burden just thinking about it.  I, for one, always thought that if I wanted to help out with a charity, I would have to step outside of myself and do something that doesn't come natural to me or that I don't enjoy.

I've learned that if I want to make a difference in the world, I have to do it in a way that I love and makes me feel good in the process. I personally love to sing and write so I would probably so something like Karaoke for Cancer where people could pledge $10 for every song that I sing or Short Stories for Stem Cell Research where everyone would have 1 hour to write an original short story and have people pledge a penny per word, then collect all of the stories and publish them all together and sell it and donate the proceeds to the charity. That one would probably be boring to watch though.

Think about the things that you love to do and how you can help the world by doing so.

Saturday, February 12, 2011

It's Just a Little Crush

Valentine's Day is just around the corner; for those of you who have plans, have fun and be safe.  For those of you who see it as just another day, cool, rock on. If you wish you had plans, whether attached or not, don't worry you still have time.

Today, though, I would like to talk to you all who have your eye on someone and the chances of being with that someone seem pretty slim.  I am on the same boat with you. If you saw the person I had my eye on right now, you would be like "Whoa, yeah, I know what you mean". Chances are definitely slim in that department, but luckily for me, I don't have to walk around him all awkward-like because we became friends.

If you have a crush on someone who doesn't seem like he or she would go for you, the best way that I have found to get over it is to get to know the person you are crushing on. It is best to see what this person is like outside of the setting that you normally share. There are a few possible outcomes from doing this.

1. You learn things about this person that you really don't like, thereby destroying the crush.
2. You learn that this person is really cool which solidifies your crush and then you meet their significant other (who happens to think you are super cool); being the good person that you are you don't try to break that relationship which results in the gain of two new friends.
3. You learn that this person returns the feelings and is really cool so Yay for you!!!

The list goes on and on. I was seriously going to type them all but my brain is too crazy for that now. anyway, the worst thing that could happen is that the person doesn't feel the same way and they don't want to be your friend, in which case, why would you want a person like that in your life?

Yes crushes are annoying, distracting and eventually painful. You just have to remember that Mr. or Mrs. Rightforyou will find you and all will be right with the world.

Ok, enough with the gushy stuff, here are some cool crush related songs that I like.

Thursday, February 10, 2011

Where have all the bookstores goooooooone?

I was at Palmer Park Mall last week and something felt wrong. I walked from one end of the mall to the other wondering why it suddenly felt so empty and dark. I left FYE after purchasing seasons 1 and 2 of Noah's Ark, The Lovely Bones and The Duchess and decided to buy a book.

I was totally confused because I couldn't find the book store. What I found, instead, was a big empty space with the gates closed and the lights turned off. The shelves were still standing, but they were complete bare. I was in total shock. I couldn't breathe. I almost cried. "What happened to my bookstore", I asked audibly, knowing that no one would answer my question.

Damn you Kindle!!! Damn you Nook!!! Damn you iPad!!!

Wednesday, February 09, 2011

Savin' Haiti

Please watch this slideshow/ video that I put together!!! Thanks!!!

I/ We am/are perfect right now!

I learned a lesson yesterday that I always understood, but didn't really get. As some of you may know, I'm on this exercise kick and it is really sticking with me. I've been doing a lot of self improvement. I seriously thought that I was doing all of this to get others to like me. At least, that is why I was doing it before, and that is also why I failed all those times before. Now I know that improving myself has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me.  And it isn't really even improving myself, I'm just chipping away at all of the gunk that is inconsistent with the person that I want to be or really am.

A sculptor was once asked how he knew what to chip away and what to keep. He replied by saying that he was taking away everything that wasn't the sculpture. We as human beings are already perfect sculptures; we are just carrying all of that extra stuff on us that keeps us hidden.

The lesson I thought I knew was:
"If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

That's all well and good, but last night I learned:
"If I can't love myself at my worst, I don't deserve myself at my best."

What a difference a pronoun makes. I have been judging myself with all of these ridiculous standards for so long that I hadn't realized how overshadowed my values and principles were. I always talk about how the world needs more love and acceptance, but how am I loving and accepting myself if I am constantly telling myself that I should be a different way? Now I know that I am living my perfect life and being my perfect self right now.

Monday, February 07, 2011

Bite you in the butt

I went to be last night dreading having to come to work today. Not because of work itself but because of the big ass fool I made of myself in front of my coworkers on Friday.  Luckily for me, the coworkers I am referring to are close to my age, so I know they won't judge me. I was tossing and turning thinking about the funny stuff and the humiliating stuff. Now these people know just about everything there is to know about me.

I thought work today was going to be filled with awkward glances and phantom chuckles behind my back, but it wasn't. I still have a headache lingering from Saturday so that was all the distraction I needed today, well that and the 5:20 am phone call I got from my sister that woke my up from my 3 hours long sleep. My seminar session is tonight and I am going to be tired as hell.

You know, sometimes it's alright to turn down free drinks, even if the most beautiful guy you've ever met is offering.

Sunday, February 06, 2011

Mommy and Me

I enjoy spending time with my mother. That may not sound like the truth, but it is. I grew up thinking that my parents were like Cliff and Claire Huxtable; I was Rudy, my sister was Vanessa, my older brother was Theo and my younger brother was a male Olivia.

I love those moments when I can just sit and watch a movie with my mother. Its like we are suspended in time. There's no yesterday and there is no tomorrow. There is just right now with me and my mom. Today we watched The Duchess with Keira Knightley. We enjoyed ourselves.

Taking it back

I'm watching Centric right now and they were showing the 2010 Soul Train Award. They honored Anita Baker and Ronald Isely with the legends award. When they were singing Anita's songs, I was brought back. Do you know the feeling when you hear a song you haven't heard in years. You remember how much you love that song and you sing it out loud without missing a word like you were practicing it all day long.

I just want to share a few songs with you.

Sweet Love

Giving you the best that I got

Caught up in the Rapture

If you don't love Anita Baker, you will now!!!

Saturday, February 05, 2011

Oh My LAWD!!!!!

So I missed yesterday because I was being "naughty". I will not write that story down though because I would like to leave as little evidence as possible. However, I am happy to say that the craziness that happened last night was a bonding experience and the two people that were there with me are like my two new best friends.

In my experience, I find that the friends that last are the ones that come into your life in the weirdest situations. Kim and I became best friends the first day we met in the map room at Hill taking pictures of someone's tie hanging on the exit sign. We've been friends for 11 years. Mo.De became a permanent fixture in my life in college when my first roommate didn't show up for room picks. Mo walked by and I asked her if she picked her room yet. We became roommates and we've been friends for almost 9 years. Courtnee found me walking home from work at the day care. She looked at me like was crazy. It would have taken me almost an hour to walk home, lucky for me, she gave me a ride. We've been friends for 4 years.

I treat my friends like they are family and I have no idea what I would do without them. When it comes to my friends, I am truly blessed.

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Working it out

I have lived a pretty blessed life. I've even been called lucky on occasion, but there have also been events in my life where if I studied them closely for a long period of time, I would get lost in that original emotion and fall back into it.

I won't go into details of which events I'm referring but let's just say that they are intense and strong enough to have me fall into a depression over something that happened 10 years ago. Luckily for me, I have always had at least one person in my life at the time to help me work through it. At Hill, I had Kim and Charlie. At Drew, I had Mollie. After college I had Alissa. In Easton, I had Courtnee and now I have my sister.

Whether it is man trouble, work trouble or any other kind of life trouble, I always had someone to help me work through it and to teach me something. Kim and Charlie taught me you really can choose your family. Mollie taught me how to have fun. Alissa reignited my love for music and singing. Courtnee showed me that I can be as young and fierce as I want to be and my sister is teaching me that I'm much wiser than I think.

Everybody has somebody to help work things out, but if you feel like you have nobody, realize that you have yourself and you are somebody. Do the things you love to do or always wanted to do, you never know who you will meet in the process. You may find a new part of yourself that you never thought was there.

Wednesday, February 02, 2011


Here is a list of my favorite nerds!!!  YUM!!!



 MINKUS - Boy Meets World

HANK and JOHN GREEN - Vlogbrothers


EZRA FITZ - Pretty Little Liars

HAROLD - Harold and Kumar...

SHELDON - Big Bang Theory

DOOGIE - Doogie Howser M.D.

Tuesday, February 01, 2011


So I've decided to blog everyday this month. This is the third time that I'm doing a "Blog Everyday..." project. It started with YA Author Maureen Johnson a couple of years ago and I enjoyed it, so I'm doing it again.

This is my first one of the month; don't worry, the others won't be as boring as this one. I may do the same thing for my Creative blog. This is exciting!!!

Enjoy reading

Monday, January 31, 2011

Goodby My Lover

Last night I dreamt that I was giving a speech at my old school (couldn't really tell if it was Drew or Hill, dreams are funny that way) in an area that looked more like a coliseum from Ancient Greece. I was walking around the upper most level watching all of the people gather to hear me speak. I walked past a collumn and I saw a familliar face a few steps below. I walked down the stairs a bit to get a closer look. It was him. I hadn't seen him in years and there he was. He looked up at me and gave me this look of total digust, as if I had dirt on my face. There was an ache in the center of my chest that woke me from my dream. I sat up in bed and realized that after 2 and a half years of secretly hoping to see this man again, it was never going to happen.

This is my official "Goodbye" to a man that I once knew. Even though you left a long time ago, I still kept you with me. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. God Bless!

India Arie wrote a song called "Good Morning" that expresses 100% how I felt and am feeling.

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