Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The ignored rantings of an unemployed nobody

I'm tired. I have no energy. Trying has become a chore; one that has become too difficult and too exhausting to attempt. Today, I've given up. I don't remember the things that I want in life. I don't remember what it feels like to have a passion for something. I've stopped being.

My understanding of the verb to be isn't just to live or to exist but to fulfill a purpose. To act out a deep passion. We all have wishes and dreams and there is a reason why we have them. We all have a mission and being helps us to fulfill that mission.

Right now, I feel like I haven't been assigned a mission and I am just waiting for one. A couple of hours ago, I was thinking about graduate school. I actually got excited about it for a moment. I was looking at a few schools and their requirements. As I was looking, my mentality went from "I can do it" to "I can't do this. They will never accept me".

I have sent out so many resumes and I haven't received one call from those places. At first I thought that maybe it was because the Universe had another plan for me and those mediocre jobs were irrelevant, but now I feel like I suck and they find me unworthy like most of the people who were once in my life and weaseled their way out.

I once thought that I was a humble person, but now I see that I lack the ability to say anything positive about myself. I hear negative things everyday and I believe them. This is why I make a lot of friends online. It's easy to fake self-esteem in words. They don't have to see my face.

This would be so much easier to deal with if I had a therapist. That way, I would at least have someone who would listen, but I don't have insurance and I turn 26 very soon so even if I had it under my parents, it would go away soon anyway. I can't talk to my parents or my sister because they aren't very good listeners and they like to say "should" a lot. I don't need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone who can help me figure things out.

Normally, I don't like asking for help because I am determined to do at least one thing for myself. Unfortunately, I have no follow-through. I have no guts, no drive, no passion. I can't remember the last time I was happy about something I did. I'm starving for any sort of positive attention that I could possibly get. I can't wait for this weekend because I am going to Montreal to visit family. I am sure that someone there will give me some positive energy so that I can come back to this house and start over.

I wish it was possible to sweat out all of the negative feelings that a person has about herself. I'd be a hundred pound lighter and a hundred pounds happier. When I sit and think for a long time. I strip away all of the things that piss me off. I think about the one thing in the world I could do for myself that would bring some happiness. Every time I do this, I come to the same conclusion. NO matter how much I like to write and create art, I know that deep down in my heart of hearts I want to sing. That is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I feel like that is the only thing that I can do right. I need to get back in to doing that again. Last month I posted a couple of videos of me singing on YouTube; I should keep doing that. I can at least get excited about something again.

I am seriously hoping that Harold Camping is right about next year because I am tired of this nonsense and I want it all to go away.

Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
You have to say it three times for it to work.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Very short update

I'm actually doing better now. In the job hunting department, anyway. I'm working out, writing and singing. Mostly, I'm trying not to go crazy. I'm trying to hold on for this weekend because we are going to Montreal to visit family for the long weekend. We are going to be celebrating my grandmother's 90th birthday even though that happened 3 months ago, but I guess it is never too late to celebrate.

I've been staying open-minded for my mother, but of course she remains to be her usual close-minded self. My poor father is trying very hard to be nice to me and I feel like I'm still being a b!%@# to him. Yesterday, he offered to buy me a new bedroom set (with money he doesn't have) and I just kinda brushed him off because Mom was being all "Don't buy anything for her, when she gets her money, she will buy her stuff herself." Then last night he was just trying to be a good father and I flipped out on him a little because he patted me on the head and we all know that I don't like to be touched especially when it makes me feel like a child. I would have let it slide if he and my mother weren't sort of ganging up on me about something stupid and telling me stuff that I already know.

Today, I decided to be a good girl and do some cleaning and be productive, but I doubt that will get me anywhere with the folks. I need a therapist, do you guys know a good free one?

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Today on Oprah

Best selling author, Geneen Roth was a guest on Oprah today. She was there to talk about her book "Women Food and God" and how it can help you with your weight loss. She explained how dieting leads to self loathing and a lack of self worth. This makes a lot of sense because when you think about dieting, you think about denying yourself of the things that you like. A diet can be seen as a punishment for letting yourself go.

She also explained that when you eat when you aren't hungry, you are not allowing yourself to feel. Normally, you eat to fix feeling hungry, and you stop eating when you are satisfied. When you aren't hungry, you are something else. You are happy, sad, tired, bored, angry, whatever. These feelings are overwhelming at times and you want to feel satisfied. The easiest way to satisfy yourself is to eat something.

There is some goal in or lives that we wish we could achieve, but we aren't sure what it is yet. All we know about this goal is that it makes us feel good and satisfied with our lives. This good feeling is what Roth is interpreting as "God". Whether you call it God or not, it is ultimately this greater state of being that we wish we could have. Believing that there may not be a chance to reach this "greater state of being" we become overwhelmed and anxious. We don't like these feelings so we turn to food.

Oprah got emotional when she told her audience that she still feels anxiety when it comes to the possibility of disappointing people. She filled us in on how she was whipped as a child and wasn't allowed to feel what she was feeling after the whipping. (I've been there) She was told to take the beating, wipe the tears from her face and don't remind her elder that she was just beaten. I know that a lot of people have gone through this and many of her audience members were getting emotional. Because of this memory residing in her, Oprah, now, feels the need to stay in people's good graces. She feels that she will be punished somehow if she doesn't. To deal with that fear, she turned to food. She realized that she was still listening to the child inside of her. Now she knows, like the rest of us, that she is old enough to take care of herself.

Two former guests came back to the show to give an update on themselves. They were two women who were very good friends and perhaps cousin as well. The first time they were on the show, they talked about how one of them had lost so much weight and how the other one was jealous of that. They didn't see each other for 6 years after because they were ashamed. Today, the one who lost all of the weight gained it back and the other one feels a little bit better because she has her friend back. The two women learned that the one was jealous of the other, not because of the success of the other but because of her own failure.

When people aren't happy for you when you succeed, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They are insecure and are taking it out on you. This is the part where they talk about a chapter in the book called "Reteaching Loveliness". We have to believe that we were put on this world for more than just trying to lose weight. When we diet, we tell ourselves that we are fat, ugly, unworthy. "Self loathing doesn't lead to change." If we want to see a change in ourselves, we have to look at ourselves differently. We have to stop looking at the things that we hate about ourselves and look deeper. When we look deep into our souls, do we like what we see? When critiquing ourselves, we have to be as kind to ourselves as we would be if we were talking to children. You would never tell a child who feels fat that she has a big tummy and jiggly thighs.

We have to change our beliefs and realize that food doesn't work when it comes to fixing our spirits. Yes, you are good enough. Yes, you are lovable. Don't let food numb you.

These were a few tips that were given at the end of the show:
Eat when you're hungry.
Eat sitting down. (not in a car)
Eat till you are satisfied.
Eat what your body wants.
Eat with enjoyment.

This show helped me realize some things about myself and why I like food a little more than I should.

Monday, May 10, 2010

Gentlemen/ A letter

I was taking a walk to South Orange today when a couple of thoughts came to me. Where have all the gentlemen gone and why is there such a significant difference between Newark and South Orange?

While I was walking, I noticed that I am more of a gentleman than the men in my neighborhood. When I walk and I see someone walking in my direction, I move over a bit so that person can have room on the sidewalk. Now, when I move to one side, I expect the other person to move over on the other side so that we both can have the same amount of space to walk by. I walked by an older woman, I moved- she moved. I walked by two women walking together, I moved-they moved. I walked by a man, I moved- he stayed and almost bumped into me. Seriously, Dude? You're not going to extend the courtesy of moving over an inch so that I can walk by without having to side-step my way past you?


I have walked past men who spit right in front of me. They do cat calls, they scratch, they stare. They just have no respect.

Talking about no respect. I noticed that S.O is so much cleaner than Newark is and that is mostly because people have no respect for this place that was once such a great city. In my school days, I was always going over to my friends' houses because none of them wanted to come to Newark. This place has a bad rep and people think the worst. It came to a point where I didn't want to tell people I went to school with that I live in Newark. I don't want to be ashamed of where I'm from because some idiots don't know how to be civil. Here is what I have to say:

A Letter from one Newark Resident to another:

Dear Res,
Newark is your home. Treasure it. Love it. Would you invite someone to your home when you know that you don't keep it clean? Do you want people to point to your home and say "That is the lace where the dirty people/stupid people/violent people/crazy people live"? I don't think so.

Clean your home. Take pride in your home. Take advantage of all the wonderful things that you home has to offer. There's life here. There's art here. There's culture here. There's education here. There's hope here. You're here. Turn Newark into a place in which you would be proud to live.

Your Neighbor,

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Job hunting on Craigslist

Craigslist.org may seem like a very convenient place to find things like jobs, collectible action figures, and romantic encounters. It is, but it's important to be careful with what you find.

Along with any other website that has you exchanging you information with total strangers, it is a major risk and you have to learn how to sort out the phonies with the credible ones.

In my case, I'm looking for a job and there are tons of opportunities that are posted. Many of them seem promising, and the others seem odd. Whether they are legitimate opportunities or not, a lot of these postings lack so much important information.

When I look at a posting I expect to see:
Company Name and history
Position title and duties
Location (full address)
Salary info
Requirements for the job
Contact information

Unfortunately, many of these posts only give you the position name, requirements and maybe salary information. I've literally seem:

"Livingston office looking for Administrative Assistant. Must be Microsoft Office proficient. Must have a friendly demeanor and the ability to milti-task."

What the hell kind of job posting is that?

We, as job seekers, are taking a big risk by giving these invisible job providers our information. In no way am I trashing Craigslist. I know many people who have found great opportunities through the website. I just want to put it out there that the website is one of those things where you need to proceed with caution. Be optimistic, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket. We are intelligent people and it really sucks to get screwed over especially when we are trying to maintain hope in this seemingly hopeless job market.

Stay positive and optimistic.
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