Wednesday, June 27, 2007

Still no luck

Job: This month has been extremely and ridiculously not in my favor. I told myself that I was going to be employed by my birthday and that day came and went. This is so frustrating because I see the looks on my parents faces and I know that they are very disappointed in me. Sure, there are a lot of good things that I have done in my life, but they will always focus on the negative. I'm still young though and I have plenty of time, but they look at me like I'm a lost cause. I've had a few interviews this month and I really thought that I was going to get lucky. Even my friends are starting to look down on me and I'm just afraid to show my face in public. I'd like to think that my lack of luck is due to God trying to put me in the right place to find the right thing. I really hope that is the case because I've had a year's worth of rejection and I really can not deal with another disappointment.

Love: Yay! I'm completely over Joe. That is definitely something to celebrate. My "friendship" with Arik is interesting, but I don't like to tell people about that because even though it is real, the nature of it is borderline fantasy-like. All I can say is that he is beginning to take up Joe's space in my... heart. Anyway, enough about him. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago and he says he is eager to see me. "I just want to see your pretty face"... um... ok. Well, if that is the case, why did you stand me up 3 times? Yeah, 3. The third time was just me being stupid because I knew better, but there was something in me that thought, maybe he will turn around and surprise me. That was not the case. He wasn't even my type. He definitely turned me off to Black men in general and Haitian men in particular. I've told myself that I would never be in a relationship with a Haitian man, so I'm not at all disappointed with this situation. I'm just mad at myself that I let it get to 3 stand-ups. Once again, I'd like to think that it was God looking out for me; he doesn't want that guy in my life and neither do I.

Social: Last night was so cool. I went out to dinner with my friends Alissa and Eileen for my birthday (six days after the actual date). We had dinner at Macaroni Grill and went to the movies to see Knocked Up. That movie was so ridiculous. Way too many drug references, and "fuck" had to be the most used word with "the" in a close second. It was funny as hell though, not as funny as Hot Fuzz, but still funny. Alissa's moving on to bigger and better things, Eileen's got the coolest husband and what I think to be a cool life and here I am still at home with people who can't stand to look at me. I know that people have their good things and their bad things so I can't be completely jealous of them. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when I'm older. I just really want some goodness to come my way so that I can prove all of these naysayers wrong.

Thursday, June 07, 2007


Ok, some of you may know that I have been spending my spare time reading. I've lost count on how many books I read in the past year. Let's see if I can lsit them all:
1. Summer-June
2. Summer-July
3. Summer-August
4. Jane Eyre
5. Pride and Prejudice
6. Persuasion
7. Girl Interrupted
8. Like Water for Chocolate
9. Sula
10. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (didn't finish)
11. Sense and Sensibility
12. Mansfield Park
13. Paradise Lost (currently)
14. Equus (currently)

I'm sure a more intellectual person would have read more books than that, but it's hard to read in a home full of people who like to bug me. Well, after having been in school for so long, I forgot what it was like to read for fun. I've even decided to take reread the books that I've read in school because back then, I was just reading them as fast as I could so I could get whatever assignment done. Now that I have no pressure on me, I want to go back and find out why it was necessary to read those books. I want to answer the question, What was so great about the story that we needed to study it and write papers on it.

On a different note, today is a pretty good day. I wrote a poem, I'm feeling very comfortable even though I'm surfing the crimson wave. My pants fit and I'm going for sushi with Alissa and Eileen. My 23rd birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and i'm a bit excited for that. I have a job interview set up for next week and I hope I get it because I need money and I need good dental insurance. What would be really cool though, would be if I got a job at McGraw-Hill or John Wiley and Son's. Those are two pretty cool publsihing companies that deal with educational texts. I really hope one of them hires me. I'm praying!!! I'm really hoping someone good hires me. I don't want to settle for anything, I want to start out with something that will help me grow in what I want to do.
I know that this may be weird to say, but I can feel goodness coming toward me and I know that if I hold on just a bit longer, it will finally reach me and I will be happy. I'm staying positive. OOOh, I can't wait till tonight to hang with the girls. It really is great to have friends that genuinely are about you.

Wednesday, June 06, 2007

Officially Over

Well, whatever feelings I had for Joe are officially gone. My heart no longer has a space for him. We were friends, once, and we crossed that line. At first I was alright with it because I thought that something wonderful was going to grow from it, but instead, there was nothing. Then I thought we could at least be friends, but how can one be friends with someone who only stays in contact when he has no one better to talk to? I don't deserve to be the fall back friend. I've only ever put him on a pedestal and I apparently was nothing to him. I was enough of a thought to have him add me to facebook, but I wasn't enough of a friend to have him tell me that he was having a baby and then getting married (yeah, in that order cause he can't keep it in his pants, the nasty freak).

So, he's married now and his (seven years his junior) wife is seven months pregnant. I remember days when he would come to me to tell me that she was driving him crazy and that there were points when he couldn't stand her. Hmm, makes a girl think.

To celebrate this occasion, I decided to seriously take him out of my life. I tore up all of his pictures, deleted him from facebook, my phone and aim. I even went through every single comment he has ever left me and deleted those too. It's a little hard to get him out of my head, but at least I can picture him in painful positions, i.e. in a guillotine (a normal sized one and a little one for little Joe), in a bathtub with a hairdryer or radio, or with a noose around his neck.
I just hope the poor girl wises up and divorces his ass and takes him for everything he has and he'll be living on the street with no legs, pushing himself around on a messed up skateboard. :) That would be nice. That would be justice.

I can picture it now; I'm walking down the street looking fabulous, on my way to the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, where I will be receiving one for my latest book. Joe's rolling down the street and he sees me and he calls out my name. I look his way, and there he is, on his crooked skateboard looking a hot mess. He tells me he's sorry, I accept his apology and I go receive my award.

That would be lovely.
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