Thursday, February 15, 2007


What is it about love that has got everyone on the defensive?
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all you hear is either:
1. Love is great, love love. (or)
2. Love sucks, I hate love.

Why do all of these love-enthusiastes or anti-love advocates feel the need to come out on this one day of the year? Having these people around really confuses the others who really have no opinion on the subject. I'm one of those people who isn't sure what to think. I want to love love, but there are so many things happening to me that make me hate it.
Last night I was lying away thinking about my past brushes with love and what happened to make them past and not present.
There are only two men that I felt I loved, Joe and Michael. Right now they are both Pennsylvania men whose only tie to New Jersey is me. The are men that I have had some sort of strong relationship with and now they are men that I no longer speak to.
So why don't I speak to these guys anymore? Well it's simple really.

They Broke Me

When I was with them, I belonged to them. They didn't belong to me. I don't think they even wanted to be mine. I felt like I was in a relationship with them but I guess, looking back, that it was more of a master/ slave sort of relationship. I had great friendships with them, or at least I convinced myself that I did. As the friendships became stronger They were the ones that wanted to take the next step. I guess that is typical male behavior. They see a girl that is giving them attention and they want to see how far the girl will go with them.

Michael was my high school thing. We were 15 when we got together and two months later we weren't together anymore. I really liked him and after we broke up, I still liked him. During the rest of our friendship, I spent most of it wanting desperately to recreate a special moment that we had. That, of course, would never happen again because he was finally honest with me and I realized that we would never have a second chance. I finally got over it a little bit after I met Joe.

Joe was another high school thing that turned into a college thing. Our whole friendshit was centered around instant messenger. That is where we met and that is where our friendship was. We flirted a lot and we talked on the phone a couple of times. He was a really nice guy and after 4 years of talking, I felt that I could trust him. So in February during my junior year of college we decided to meet for real. (happy 2 year anniversary of that by the way). I used to call that day the best day of my life, now it's a day that I wish I could forget. I know they say that everything you experience is a blessing because it teaches you something about yourself. Well I think I could live without that experience. There are days when I look back on it and and swoon and there are other days when I just want to die. It would be really cool if I could do what Clementine did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I really want to erase all memories of him. Every single one! Well after that wretched day, we met up again, but after that we hardley spoke. It really felt like he was avoiding me and that lead to a whole year of not speaking. I don't know what lead to it. So in March last year we spoke again and he apologized. Stupid me accepted and we were friends again. I never told him how miserable I was before that. I just really wanted him back in my life. But of course that did not last because he started dating someone (7 years his junior) and apparently they are in love now and are about to have a baby. I really don't want to be happy for him. In fact I feel so sorry for the girl. She got sucked into his trap and now she has no way to get out of if. The sadder part of the situation is that she thinks she is really happy. She has no idea what she is missing out on. When he leaves her, which I know he will, she is going to resent her child and she and the child will be screwed up.
Well I stopped talking to him because he seemed to fall off of the face of the earth when he was with her and then need me when they were broken up. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It might have been very selfish of my but if I wanted to be happy, I couldn't have him in my life anymore. I haven't spoken to him since December.

Even though I've experienced this with the two guys I still want to know what love is. That is the one thing in life that I really want to experience. I know that there is someone out there for me. I want to prove these pessimists wrong but right now all of the evidence is pointing in their favor.
Love will always be a hard and touchy subject for me, but no matter how much it breaks me, I'll always look at it with wide doe-y eyes.
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