Sunday, January 20, 2008

A Start

Alright, so I am still working at this crap-ass job with these people who do not appreciate the things that I do for them. Every single day that I am at that day care, I say to myself (as I am on my hands and knees cleaning the floors and the toilets) "I did not go through boarding school and college for this."
Last year when I went to the NY Hill Reception, I was so embarrassed to be standing in froont of these people who had much better things going on in their lives than I do. I saw my old teachers and my fox of a track coach, and every second that I talked to them, I felt as if I had let them down. I saw the headmaster and his wife and they were looking at me like I was a daughter that they hadn't seen for years. All I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here? Why did I want to come here?"
The night before, I was so excited to see everyone and when it was over, I felt like a complete failure. At least back then, I was able to say that I was singing and I was giving back to my community by volunteering at my church. What can I say now? The reception is coming up this February and I don't think I have the guts to go. Other than having to pay $55 to go, and whatever the cost for transportation, I don't think I can look these people in the eyes again and say, "Hi, I work at a day care as an ass-istant teacher and all I do is change diapers and clean toilets."
I told myself a long time ago that I did not want to teach (I don't really remember the reasoning behind that, but there you have it). I think back then, I thought that I would have come to my senses and fought for everything that I wanted, but no; I'm still the same push-over as ever. I lack the "go-for-it" mentality that everyone is trying to push into my head. I want it, though. Very much! So what am I going to do to get it?


Well I know that however I go about this, it will have to be in baby steps because I know myself too well. Whenever I through myself into something I through myself out and I give up.
Well first:
I have to sit and think (positively) about what it is I really want 1. for right now and 2. for the future.

Work on my right now goal (I'm not calling this my short term goal because this is something that should have been done last year) while keeping the future in mind.

I have to incorporate others in this because I cannot do this by myself. This means that I have to get some connections and I have to turn the people that I already know into supporters. I need as much positive reinforcement as possible because I have a feeling that I am going to encounter many discouraging arseholes.

I have to eliminate my obstacles. I will not fraternise with frowners, downers, pinchers, lynchers, asses and the general negative masses.

I just need to remember that this is my only chance at getting the life that I want and deserve. I've already wasted 2 years of this precious life. That is time that I will never get back. This may sound selfish but until I have children, I am my primary concern. I should be satisfying myself before I even think about someone else. I'm all I've got.
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