Thursday, December 21, 2006

My Addiction

My current addiction is Old English novels. Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters are Godsends. In the past few months I have read Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and now Persuasion. At first I started reading these books because I felt that I needed to. I thought that these were books that I should have read in high school. I am so happy that I made myself read them because I was missing out.

The one that I enjoyed reading the most was Jane Eyre. It was so amazing and I definitely felt her pain. I was able to relate to her character minus the happy ending of course, but i just loved it. I saw the BBC mini series on youtube and I was so happy I saw it. I wish I wasn't broke so that I could buy it on DVD.

When I was in Atlantic City, I saw Sense and Sensibility and I was hooked. I was Marianne. I haven't read the book yet but I need to and I know that I am going to love it so much. I'm very happy that I started reading again. I really needed it, seeing as how I have no life, I'd rather live vicariously through the characters.

Wednesday, December 20, 2006


Disclaimer!!! Anything that you read here that may seem disturbing is jut my way of venting. I will in no way cause any of the bad things that you will read about. I'm just blowing off some steam.

I am still learning who my friends are and I realize that I don't have many; I actually have very few. I don't just mean friends to hang out with, I mean friends who are there for me through whatever, whenever. That is why I have my family. My sister, my mom and sometimes my cousin Joelle are the ones who I can go to in my family and speak relatively honestly with them. But who do I go to when I get annoyed with them?

I want my friends to be genuinely excited to see me or to hear from me, and I want them to want to talk to me also. I have Kim Charlie and Mollie, three friendships that lasted successfully for several years and I am so grateful for that. I just wish that I was around them more often or they were around me more often so my life wouldn't be as miserable as it is.

I don't want to be miserable, I just keep finding myself in these situations where I need a shoulder to cry on and there is no one there for me and that makes me ever sadder. I made a decision a while ago to take someone out of my life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I was in love with him. We used to be very good friends and after we had our encounter, we split apart for a little while and then reconnected. I was happy to have him in my life again but I don't think he was too thrilled, at least that is what I was sensing. I wasn't really sure what to think of it at first because I was just happy to be speaking to him again, but when he started dating what's-her-face, he would stop talking to me for a while. Then they would break up and he would tell me about it and be all miserable. Then they'd get back together and I wouldn't hear from him again. I wanted to have a better relationship with him or at least have it the way it was before our encounter. I realized that it would never be that way again to I made a choice. I asked myself:

Is this really the kind of person that I want in my life? Is this the kind of person that I want to love?

I made one last effort to show him how I felt and he chose not to acknowledge it so that is when I gave him the boot. The sad part of it all is that he never made an effort to try to redeem himself. So now I feel like he's happy to have me out of his life, so once again I lost me excitement about giving someone the ol' heave-ho.
It irritates me to know that he doesn't care and now all i want to do is hurt him, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want him to suffer 2 year's worth of pain like I did. He took 6 years of my life and and screwed it up completely. The first 4, I must admit was the best, but the last two were hell for me and I want him to pay!!!!

I want someone to mess with his mind and his heart; I want someone to take advantage of him; I want someone to use him; I want someone to drive him to suicidalness. I want him to know how it feels to be treated like dirt by someone he loves. I don't want him to die because that would be letting him off the hook. He needs to be scarred like I am.

The thing that I want most in the world is for him to come to me face to face, kneel down before me, take my hand and give me a 20 minute long apology, which I will gracefully accept because whatever pain that I would be able to inflict on him, no matter how great, will fail in comparison to the torture he is going to experience in HELL!!!

Tuesday, December 05, 2006

Sense and Sensibility

Will I ever find my Colonel Brandon?

I was watching Sense and Sensibility yesterday with Kate Winslett and Emma Thompson. I had seen the movie once before, but this time I was able to relate to Marianne's character. She fell in love with a man who practically saved her life and her heart was broken when she found out that he was with another person.
Willoughby and Marianne shared a passion for art and poetry and life. They had such a connection and even though the words were not spoken, they loved each other. I would tell you the rest, but it is too complicated, so you just have to see the movie. The part that really got to me was when Marianne stood at the top of the hill looking over at his house, in the rain and repeated his name over and over again. I have lived that moment, the moment when you feel complete hopelessness. The moment when you would rather die than live another day without the person you love. It's not a good thing to feel, trust me.

In comes Col. Brandon who fell in love with her the very moment he heard her sing and play the pianoforte (which was the beginning of the movie/book). He, of course stepped aside when he knew that she loved Willoughby. All he wanted was her happiness. At her complete low, he came to her rescue and became devasted when she fell ill. He did what he could to see that she had what she needed and stayed by her side while she recovered. She eventually fell in love with him and they married.
I apologize if I spoiled the film/book for you, but I just wanted to express that I have had a very hard time in the love department because of a particular someone. Now he is with someone else and I am standing in the rain watching from afar. I would like to one day be rescued by my own Col. Brandon and live in eternal bliss while Willoughby stands on the hill watching from afar.

Wednesday, November 29, 2006

Nude art

I found a blog that is concentrated on Nude Art. It is really cool and not at all perverted. We take the naked body and distort it into something taboo. This reminds us f how beautiful the human body is no matter what shape or color.
We are so busy caring about what to wear or how whatever we are wearing makes us look that we forget to stop for a second and appreciate what God/Allah/Jehova or whichever deity you believe in gave us.

Tuesday, November 28, 2006


Normally I try to keep some positivity when i'm angry, but these past couple of weeks are really pissing me off.

First i find out that the dude went back to his thrice ex-gf, and i don't even find out from him because apparently I'm not cool enough to tell stuff to anymore.

Second, yesterday I went shopping and I bought a cool shirt from Ashley Stewart. I get home and I find out that the dumb bitch forgot to take the security tag off of it. So I spent half an hour sawing that thing open trying to find a way to take it off and i managed to take it off but of course i also managed to put a teeny hole in the shirt.

Thirdly when i got home yesterday from shopping, I was torn between getting chinese or pizza and i ended up getting chinese though i really wanted pizza. So I'm all happy with my chicken wings and fried rice and when my dad comes home what does he bring? CHICKEN WINGS AND FRIED RICE!!! WTF, I should have bought the pizza so I could have had both. So I'm sitting in my room and I'm sick of chicken at this point so I save it for the next day (today).

Fourthly, I get my chinese today to eat it and I'm halfway through a piece of chicken and guess what happens. The tooth that is supposed to get fixed on Thursday gets cracked, so now they can't just fix it with a filling, they might have to remove it completely.

Fifthly, I call the dentist office to see what i should do and those idiots have my brother's name for the appointment. Dumbasses! so I tell them that it's me and they tell me that I have to wait till thursday to get everything fixed.

Sixthly, my driving test is tomorrow and I feel like I'm going to fail it again cause all of this bad stuff has been happenning to me.
Seventhly, tomorrow night was the night I was SUPPOSED to see a concert with Joey, but he can't come and I don't think I'll ever see him again.

I'm really looking forward to Friday afternoon cause I'm going to visit Mollie and I get to wear my two new shirts and my cute wedge black suede-ish opened tied shoes. it's gonna hurt like a bitch, but fuck that cause by then I'll be a toothless, single, nondriving, unemployed whench.
On the upside, I'm gonna look cute and stuff while I'm in AC and I get to be with a good friend of mine and I think we are going to do another video to put on youtube. hahaha, can't wait.

Monday, November 20, 2006


I don't know why I let myself get pulled into this emotional rollercoaster everytime. His memory is stalking me and I don't know how to get rid of it. If I cna't be with him, then I don't want to think about him at all, but there he is asking me for advice or telling me about some girl that he's with. I am so jealous of this girl and it is all because of him. I don't even know her. For all I know, she could be a very nice girl who is just a little confused, but in my mind, she is a little bitch who is pulling this guy backwards and forwards and has him wrapped around her finger.

It just makes me sad to hear about him getting hurt and I can't be there to help him out. If I can't be with him, I could at least be there for him, and that, I can't get right. I wish he understood what was going on in my head and he would know how I feel about him and how I feel about her. I don't want to hate either of them because that is a very strong feeling and it is too much negative enegry being disbursed into the air.

I just realized that he and I have something in common. She keeps messing with his head and he keeps going back to her; she drives him crazy and he leaves her. He keeps messing with my head and I get drawn to him, then he goes back to her and I get all depressed again. He chooses to still be friends with her and I choose to still be friends with him, but I think we both know that it would be better for our phyches if we had no contact (me with him and him with her).

How do you let go of someone you never had in the first place? I must have had him at least for a minute. At least I thought I did when he was all over me telling me he was all mine. So how did he slip through my fingers? I guess I'll never know because I'm never going to ask him. I don't want to put myself through the pain of finding out that:
A- he was lying just to get me in bed
B- I did something wrong
C- he didn't think I felt that way about him

How am I supposed to live with myself after that? He was the Liberty Beau who came for his Jersey Whore. Now what? Maybe I should look at his situation with this girl as a blessing. I get my revenge on him by having that other girl mess with his head. So I guess it's not such a bad thing. So yay! I want him to feel the way he's been making me feel for all this time.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

This is me coping with failure

I am so Fuckin pissed off right now. I had my road test today and I ::gasp:: failed. I was nervous as hell, I hadn't eaten anything before and the administrator was a jackass.

Why was he a jackass? Well before the test even started, the only words he ever said to me were scornful. "Why are you here so early? Are you def?" Right then and there I wanted to smack him upside his head.

He was a fat, ugly white man with gray nails and the seat belt hardly fit. He obviously hadn't been laid in forever. I think that every administrator should be required to have a friendly disposition. If you look like an asshole, you get booted.

Sure, I got too close to the cone and tapped it a bit, it's not like i killed someone or hit another car. Is tapping a cone really grounds for failure. It was so early on in the test too; everyone should be allowed one extra chance. I know I'm a good driver and it really sucks that I needed a white man's approval today.

Normally, I'm not racist, but today, I'm going to make an exception. I keep getting screwed over by white men and I think that means I need to stay away from them.
Mike- white, x-boyf, gay
Tom- gay, choir director, flake
Driving guy- fat, ugly and and a jackass

I do feel really bad for the driving guy though. I may have failed the road test, but I still get another chance. He, on the other hand, will never get another chance because once your dead, your dead and you can't go back and try to be a better person. I'm not trying to curse anyone, but I'm just saying. We all know where bad people go.

I think I'm allowed to be bitter right now. God doesn't let me get excited about things. I was excited about getting my license. Everytime I'm confident about something, something always comes back to bite me in the ass.
San Francisco

That is why I'm normally depressed and negative about stuff. Once I show a sign of happiness, that is when all hell breaks loose.

I'm bitter dammit!!!!

Friday, November 10, 2006

Opportunities II

I am freaking out right now because now that I have started my volunteering, the people there want me to do other stuff for them too and I don't know how to respond to them. I'm already in the choir so that is already two committments that I have with the church. Then there is Brother Patrick who thinks that I would make a good teacher, so he wants me to temporarily replace a teacher that is going on maternity leave.

I really want to accept it but I'm afraid that it is going to take over my life and I don't want to be a catholic school teacher for the rest of my life. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not completely for me.

Then in comes Delores who first wants me to join the magazine committee where I would have to proofread and maybe write stuff of my own for the magazine. That is something closer to what it is I would really want to do, but I don't think it is a paying gig. It's experience, and that is a plus for future stuff. I practically said yes to that already and I don't think it would take much out of my times so I'm not completely worried.

She also wants me to be a coordinator for a youth ministry. So I'd have to lead meetings and organize retreats and fun stuff for kids. Now that is a pretty small committment and it pays. So should I accept or no? I want to but if I accept everything, then I won't have time for myself or any kind of romantic life. I have a feeling that if I get too involved with my church, it is going to become my life and I'm going to end up joining a convent (no joke). I don't know what do so or say, but all I know is...


Sunday, November 05, 2006

Changes can be good

My household usually consists of four people doing their own thing. patrick is playing video games in ihs room, Pop is in hte livingroom watching soccer, I'm in my room on my computer and my mom is floating around everywhere complaining about it all.

A couple of days ago, this routine was broken when my mother and I decided to watch tv together and we managed to watch a whole episode of Gilmore girls and and entire movie, The American President, without any complaints. Then out comes my mom with:

Mom: I wanted us to watch tv together so we could be like Lorelai and Rory. I wanted us to talk.

Now I'm staring at her wondering what to say. My mother and I have only 4 things in common. We love Gilmore Girls, Jesus, watching movies and eating.

Yesterday, I finally got the chance to tell her how I feel about her. Lately she has been pushing me so hard in every which direction and it was really frustrating me. So yesterday, while my dad and I were at the PA house, my mom had a Parent support group thing to go to with my brother. They talked about frustration and how to deal with it. One of the ways to deal with it would be to talk to the person that is frustrating you and I told her that doesn't work all of the time because that person could be stubborn as hell and refuses to hear what you are saying.

So I finally got the courage to tell her how I felt. It started out with her talking about al of the things that frustrate her. She realized that she cared too much about everything and she made them her life. I told her that she needed to let go a little bit and she wouldn't be as stressed.

With that, I told her that she has been focussing too much on my life situation and I told her that she needed to let go a lot.

Me: you push people so hard in every which direction without knowing where you want them to go and one of these days you are going to push someone off a cliff.

Mom: (in her crazy haitian accent) Whaaaaaaat!!

Me: you're not going to kill someone, but could be so torn that you drive them crazy and right into an asylum.

So my mom finally realized that she needs to step back and let me do things on my own. Let's see how long that lasts.

Thursday, November 02, 2006

The perks of dating Jesus

If Jesus had a girlfriend or a wife, that woman would be the coolest woman on the Earth. Oh!! the things that she and her (son of) Man would have done. Let me list them.

1. Wine whenever you want it.
2. The perfect diet of fish and bread.
3. Moonlit walks on the river Jordan.
4. No need for health insurance.
5. Free furniture (cause he's a carpenter)
6. Sailing all of the time
7. Watching him save lives
8. Every date is the perfect date, calming storms, birdies chirping

Of course, with perks come disadvantages.

1. No privacy cause God's always watching.
2. Sometimes a girl need more than fish and bread.
3. Overbearing Jewish mother
4. 12 dudes hanging around all the time, you'd think they were all named Tyrone

HAHAHA. I Love Jesus!!!


God works in mysterious ways.

Recently, a lot of doors have been opened for me. I started getting free singing lessons from the choir director, Alissa. She is so nice and such a sweetheart. She said that I have a great voice and I have an awesome range. She also said that she would look out for auditions and bring them my way.

I also started volunteering at my church. It's a little lame and the dog is crazy, but it is something to do while I'm looking for work. It keeps me out of the house.

I've been looking on the internet and newspapers for jobs and I've been sending my resume everywhere. Two days ago, I found an ad for a recptionist needed in NY. I emailed my resume and they called me yesterday to schedule an interview. I could have either done it todayor friday. I had plans for both days but I decided to do it today after my dentist appointment. I got all nervous and stuff cause I thought that I was going to be numb while I was having my interview, but to my surprise, the dentist people had to reschedule so I was free this morning and went for my interview. Everything went fine, i think. Oh well.

I'm kinda pissed that my dentist apt was changed cause I wanted to get it over with. I guess it was for the best.

Now my good friend is continuously having troubles with this girl and I secretly feel that it is the perfect time to tell him how i feel about him, but then I don't want him to think of me as the rebound girl or worse, as some lunatic who has a huge crush on him.
Of course I'm not going to tell him cause I'm a punk and I'm scared as hell of what his reaction might be. I'll probably wait forever for him. He might never feel the same way thatI do, but if he does, I think that we could be great together.

If what they say about love is true, then I think:


Wednesday, October 18, 2006

Lying for Love

For those of us out there looking for love, I bet that we all find ourselves watching romance movies and swoon in the end when everything turns out right for the lovers. Even though all of the movies have different titles, they all still have the same plot. Person A loves Person B. A lies to get B's attention and affection. A and B fall in love. B finds out the truth. A and B break up. B comes back and had that "I love you even though you lied to me" moment. Happy Ending!


The only thing that sucks about that whole scenario is that the world thinks that it actually works that way. We embellish on our resumes to get the perfect job. We wear heals, corsets, makeup and God know what else to make ourselves look more desirable. What we forget to remember is that, even though we get what we want by lying, the truth always comes out.
We stress ourselves out by maintaining the lie, and when it comes out, we feel like our world has been shattered.

The world doesn't end because you are 5'9", 230lbs, Afro-American, unemployed, single and unhappy with yourself.

News flash!
God gave you your life for a reason. Don't go changing what he made because you can't make improvements on perfection.

If you find yourself having to lie to attract the person that you think might be the love of your life, obviously that person was not meant for you. Sure, there may be the select few cases where everything works out, but life isn't scripted and you have to work with what you have.

I'm getting sick of people telling me that if I were thinner or if I wore makeup, then maybe I wouldn't be single right now. It's amazing that these people are still alive, considering my temper. The problem, though, was that I believed them. Sometimes I wouldn't eat or consider making myself sick afterwards. I'd look in the mirror and try to find something that might be seen as attractive. I started doing things that people wanted me to do, in hopes that they would like me a little bit. Once they started to like me, they became my whole life. I stopped doing things that I liked so that I could satisfy them.

I lost myself.

Once I took a hard look at what I was doing, I thought to myself (once having been a big fan of those romantic films) if these people really love me, then they will accept the real me.


Guess not. I didn't get my happy ending.

So what am I saying to all of you people who,I'm sure, are not reading this?
Be yourself. Love yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval. When you are lying on your death bed, you won't want to think about whether or not you pleased someone else satisfactorily. You would want to look bad on the times when you were most happy being yourself.

Thursday, October 12, 2006

Releasing my emotional baggage

I'll tell you my problems, you look at me with disgust and I walk away in shame.

Why have I decided to air out my dirty laundry? Well admittance is the first step to recovery.

Well the root of every girl's problems goes straight back to her mother. My mother is a lunatic. I want to love her, I try to love her. Yesterday, she came home from work and I saw her outside with her hair flowing in the breeze and I thought to myself, my mom is really beautiful. Then she comes inside and tells me that I have to go to church with her. Normally I'm fine with that, but it was an all new episode of Gilmore Girls and I didn't want to miss it. Call me sacreligious but Jesus knows I have nothing but love for him. He told me so. Anywho, she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. She proceeded to say that I was a burden and that I need to grow up. Now I'm thinking to myself, why did this bitch have to ruin my day. I was making progress and then she had to open her mouth. I'm at home looking for work and trying to get skinny per her request and she comes home and continues to kick me while I'm down. Now that was just yesterday.
Now there is my sister, the overachiever, the semi-genius, the perfect one. All my life I have had to live up to her. I tell her my problems and she calls me pathetic. She tells me her problems and I'm supposed to be supportive. I cut all of my hair off because I'm depressed and she calls me dumb. She cuts her hair off because she's depressed and she is a poor brave soul who has found the courage to start over. THAT HEIFFER!!!
The only person at home that I feel comfortable around is my little brother. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot like my sister does. He doesn't make me feel like garbage like my mother does and he doesn't make me feel like a human punching bag like my dad does. The only problem is that he has Down Syndrome so he has no idea what I talk about and half the time I can't understand what he says.
I don't have a job, a boyfriend or any friends that live close so I have nowhere to go. I don't have my license yet so even if I had someplace to go, I'd have no way to get there.

Shall I continue?

Image issues: from the neck up, I'm fine, everything else is a mess. I don't believe it when people say that I look good because my family never said it to me. I'd always hear "you would be so pretty if you lost weight". "Maybe you would get a boyfriend if you dressed nicer, lost weight and wore makeup." I used to be (ahem) top heavy, but I fixed that, but now I'm scarred for life (physically and emotionally)
Romantic issues: almost every guy that I was interested in was either gay or completely not interested. Apparently you have to be drunk or deperate to approach me.I have to admitt that there was one that was genuine but...
I think that is all that I can think of for now. I'm a bit miffed and I wish I had a couple of drinks in me.

My mother is crazy

She is making it really hard for me to love her.

Wednesday, September 27, 2006

Thursday, September 21, 2006


I finally decided to start writing something. I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time and if I want to be a writer, I have to start. I guess I have to learn to nag myself. I know that I will eventually hate myself for it but I have to do it. I have been around a lot of family this past summer and it got me on highs and lows. One minute I am very happy to see them and the next I wish they would leave already.
It has been a long time since I have been able to do the things that I wanted so I am having a hard time deciding what it is that I want. What I want to do, what I want to be, where I want to go. That sort of thing. Now I am in the point in my life when I really need ot sit down and htink about this stuff but I am so used to being told what to do, when to go to bed, what classes to take that now that I am on my own, I don't know what to do. I've always done things because I was told to and my doing these things would please whomever it was that was telling me to do these things. From that, I was programmed to be happy only when i pleased someone. When someone wasn't happy, I wasn't happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I was told to ask God to do certain things for me and if I said a specific prayer along with it, my request would have a better chance of happening. I wasn't sure if this really was able to happen but I gave it a shot anyway. So what did I ask God to do for me? I asked him to help my parents, my sister, my grandmothers, my brother and if it wasn't too big of a list to maybe help me too. When I was done with the list, I noticed that I wasn't first on it; I was last. How troubled do I have to be to put myself last on my own list?
I actually made the mistake of being happy today. I went to sleep depressed and crying, I woke up depressed and crying and then I got happy. I had pizza with my sister. I helped my brother with his homework. I did the Bing Bang dance to Lazytown and I felt good. Then, my mother came home and I made the biggest mistake of all. I told her that I was in a good mood. She reveled in it and managed to ruin it.

Wednesday, August 30, 2006

Top 50 Coolest People in the World (for me)

50. Teri "Hulk" Hogan: He's a great father, an awesome wrestler. Funny as hell.
49. Paris Hilton: On top of being at every single party there is, she still manages to take care of her own shit. Music, Acting, Modeling, Reality Show, Socialite- so much to handle.
48. Kelly Clarkson: Even though she is manufactured, she is still a great singer.
47. Christopher Knight: My favorite Brady, bar none!!! Good looking, Great body and snagged a model.
46. Tyra Banks: She's crazy as hell. She fits in with the ritzy glamorous life and the ghetto fabulous.
45. Bill Yinger: My high school track coach. I don't know what he's up to, but he was a pretty neat runner and thrower.
44. Jenny McCarthy: She made Playboy cool for me. She's not just a pretty face, but a down-to-earth sort of chick. Has a great sense of humor and I bet she's an awesom mom too.
43. Angelina Jolie: Very strong woman. awesome actress. stole Brad Pitt from another woman (sorry Jennifer, but hey it boosted your career.)
42. Lindsay Hartley: very beautiful woman. plays the greatest character on Passions. If she ever left the show, I would stop watching.
41. Tom Welling: HOT HOT HOT!!!! that's all I have to say, plus he's tall as hell.
40. Jason Cook: Plays Shawn on Days of our Lives. He's gorgeous!!!
39. Jason Mraz: Awesome song writer. luv luv luv him.
38. Bryan Eckhardt: Gorgeous as hell but doesn't know it, and don't tell him.
37. Josh Hartnett: The celebrity that is my perfect match. I just wish he'd fix his unibrow
36. Holly Marie Combs: Piper Halliwell in Charmed. awesome show and she kicks ass.
35. Adam Brody: Lovely
34. Rupert Grint: Ronald Weasley
33. Daniel Radcliffe: He IS Harry Potter!!!
32. J.K. Rowling: Come on now, she wrote Harry Potter
31. Drew Barrymore: She went through a lot in her life and she came out a winner. That's inspirational.
30. Nancy Body: Thanks for letting me stay at your place when I was visiting.
29. Caroline Lee-Adler: has the hottest husband. My senior english teacher in high school. Inspired me to become an english major.
28. Scott Wild: My sixth grade teacher. He was a very inspiring teacher and he was cute.
27. Alexis Bledel: Rory Gilmore, so beautiful and ridiculous
26. Ben Weisman: A good friend of mine from college who actually knows what it means to keep in touch.
25. Valerie Sarrette: My cousin, just cause she's cool.
24. Nicole Kidman: we have the same birthday(i think) and she divorced Tom Cruse.
23. Kit Weyman: cause he reminds me of Joe Stoltz
22. Adrian Brody: ooh ooh ooh That's a Jew I'd like to screw.
21. Shano: Awesome artist, awesome blog. not at all self involved that she can't communicate with her fans and she's pretty much the reason why I made this list.
20. Lauren Graham: otherwise known as Lorelai Gilmore. known for her quick and whitty repartee.
19. Elijah Wood: yum yum! too bad he's short.
18. Ellen Degeneres: Come on, she's Ellen, nuff said.
17. Sandra Bullock: She's in some my most favorite movies.
16. Julio Mathieu: My cousin, he's crazy as hell and he plays too much.
15. Matt Feldman: An old friend who I wish was still in my life.
14. Queen Latifah: If I was famous, I would be her.
13. Christina Aguilera: WOW!!! love her new style
12. Nichole Nordeman: Wonderful christian singer, wonderful singer in general.
11. Yvon Riviere: My older brother, wise beyond his years and he has my back.
10. Jason Padilla: Dat's ma homeboy rite derr. The best drummer in the world.
9. Joe Atanasio: Well, he's the male me, except he has more ambition and he's way hotter.
8. Kim Lawser: She's practically my twin, opposites but similar.
7. Charlie Kerridge-Smith. One of my best friends from England. Very motherly, but won't admit it.
6. Mollie D.: My friend from school. She's ridiculously sleepy but she has her eyes open to the world. Wants to do everything.
5. Kareen Riviere: My sister. She's a bit neurotic and often stressed but I wish I had her work ethic. I look up to her, but don't tell her that.
4. Joelle Pierre: My cousin. Everything that I wish to be. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's independent. I wish I was like her.
3. Joe Stoltz: My good friend. He makes me smile without knowing it. If things worked out my way, he would be THE ONE!!!
2. JC Chasez: My fantasy man. Everything that I look for in a man. He doesn't know that I exist but that is ok. Any man that I may date will have to worry about being compared to him.
1. Jesus: To think that anyone, existing or not, would sacrifice himself for people he doesn't know just to save them is amazing in my book.

That's my top 50. Enjoy it, don't be mad if you're not on it, it just means that I don't like you like that. I'm kidding of course. You're definitely in the top 100 cause I don't know that many people so you are in it.

Thursday, August 24, 2006

Is it true?

Some people say that I have similar features with certain famous people. Is it true? You tell me.

Do I have Janet Jackson's smile and cheekbones? I have been told this by many people (mostly family). I don't know if they are telling the truth or of they are just being nice.

Do I have Naomi Campbell's eyes? So I've only heard this once a long time ago when I was 14 by my roommate. She's japanese and it could have been that she was comparing me to the first black famous person that she could think of or she was telling the truth. I can kinda see what she was talking about but who really know. Can
you tell me?

My friend told me to add Gabrielle Union to the list.

Thursday, August 17, 2006

The Love of my Life

JC Chasez!!!!!! Just look at him, he is so beautiful. I don't just love him for his looks. He's an amazing singer and he is funny. He just turned 30. I'd love to think that he and I would be prefect but, he's famous and I'm not. Anyways, even after I'm married to whomever, hopefully to he who shall remain nameless, I will still be in love with this man.
I know that htis sounds stupid, but I don't really know what it was that made me love him. I was seven when I first saw him on tv on the Mickey Mouse Club. I'm 22 now and I still love him, ever since thn. My sister can vouge for that. I must be his biggest fan. Anyway. I may not be one of those crazy people who know everything about him or stalk him. I'm sane!! I just really love his music and his voice and his eyes, goodness gracious those eyes. So, this is my tribute to him. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing. I love you babe!!!

Thursday, August 10, 2006

The things that are wrong with me

- I'm 90 lbs overweight
-I'm too tall
- I'm scared of stupid stuff.
- I have no drive.
- I'm overly obsessed with love.
- I have too many scars in the wrong places.
- I'm lazy.
-I come up with good ideas but I do nothing about it.
- I can't stand my family sometimes.
- I'm confused.
-I'm 22 and I don't have a license.
- I graduated from college and I don't have a job.
- I have no friends.
- I have a horrible past.
- I didn't succeed when I tried to kill myself.
- I should have picked a better major.
- I have a bad temper.
- I have a bad attitude.
- I should have stayed in therapy.
- I never got to do the things that I loved and I never will.
- I'm smart but I'm so stupid.
- I'm selfish sometimes.
- I can't/won't do things for myself.
- I'm pretty but unattractive.
- I'm self pitying.
- I keep my emotions bottled up.
- I'm a couch potato.
- I'm haitian-american
- I'm not the most hygenic person in the world. (goes with the whole won't do anything for myself thing.)
- I procrastinate.
- I don't stick to things for very long, but if I do, it's cause I'm obsessed.
- I'm too picky
- I'm a bitch.
- I have issues with dairy, but I will eat cheese till I'm blue in the face.
- I don't remember the last time I had fun.
- I'm too dependent.
- I lose focus.
- I'm allergic to shellfish but I'll eat shrimp or fried calamari hoping it'll kill me.
- I care too much.
- I'm bad with money.
- I have no patience.
- Little children irritate me.
- I'm not very fond of the current state of my country.
- I didn't register to vote cause I know that if I do, I'll be summoned for jury duty every month.
- I'm not right in the head which means I'll probably get out of jury duty.
- My hair is nappy.
- My feet are too big.

Tuesday, August 08, 2006

someone shoot me now

I know that they say that family is the most important thing in a person's life but sometimes they are jut much more effective when they are far away. Right now the most annoying members of my family (on my father's side of course) are spending the week here with my immediate family. the part that really sucks that most about their visit is that my parents go to work and my brother goes to school so it's just me and them. I wish I had someplace to go everyday, but I don't. None of my friends are around so I am stuck being here by myself.
Now my uncle must have some mental issues (no joke). I don't know if he really does or not but I don't want to be sensitive to him and his stupid questions. I mean really, why would he keep asking me everyday if I remember him or if I'm ok. Fuck!!! you asked me that already, leave me alone. I feel bad for feeling this way but there is a line that he needs to not cross and I think that he might have crossed it. The other day he was asking me if I had any friends in the area. I explained to him that all of the friends I had lived far away cause I lived on a campus for high school and college. So out of somewhere he draws up the neve to ask if he could meet my friends so that he cold be friends with them, especially my female friends. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!! my parents aren't even friends with my friends, my sister isn't even friends with my friends. So why would I want my uncle who I've only seen about 5 times in my 22 years of living become friends with my friends. I swear, sometimes he just doesn't think. And now whenever I am alone in a room with him I feel extremely uncomfortable.

Saturday, August 05, 2006

Free, I think

I've been moping around the house knowing that someone that I really really wanted to be with was happy with someone else. I had actually gotten to the point where I decided to forget about men for a while and focus on myself and my future. Every once in a while I'd look at picutres him and his girl and wonder why I never got a chance to have that with anyone or with him. Then I'd wonder why I was torturing myself like that and I'd try to forget him. But alas I could not. I'd constantly think about him, about our past, about everything and it hit me. I realized that if I ever wanted to have love or intense like, I'd have to stop moping and just chill out. Men do not equal happiness. Finally, now that I am comfortable with this idea, he tells me that he is not with this girl anymore. WTF!!! The old me almost came back for a second. I am keeping my promise to myself. I'm not trying to get hurt again no matter how much i might like this guy. I just know that he will always be a friend to me. If things grow further then they grow further.

Tuesday, July 25, 2006

I'm ok now

well I'm not sick anymore. yay me!! Last week I was in PA visiting my best friends. The three of us haven't been together in 4 years even though Charlie insists it's 5. Even so, 4 years feels so long that it might as well have been 5. Anyway, I ended up getting sick again. It's not fun to wake up in the morning and need to vomit or spend hours sitting on the toilet realizing that your period is going to get very violent soon. Other than the sick part, I had a really good time with my best friends. Kim became my best friend in our junior year of High school. We clicked the very first day that we met and literally that day we decided to be roommates. The next year, we were still roommates and we met Charlie. She is a firey british girl who did a post grad year that year. The three of us hit it off really well and became inseparable. 4 years later we are still meeting up with each other and staying in each other's lives. I don't know what I would do if i didn't have them in my life.

Thursday, July 06, 2006

No Tonsil Hockey for Me

The last few days I haven't been feeling very well mostly because I have strep throat and I was feverish for a little while. I wassleeping all day and up all night unable to sleep. I didn't want to eat and would almost start to cry if my mom would shove some food in my face. I lost a couple of pounds which is alright with me but I wish I didn't have to get sick for it to happen.

The weather has been crazy as hell lately, raining, storming, perfect. make up your mind.

I've been wanting to paint something but I have no idea what to draw. I have no inspiration. I also need to find a job. I have no idea what kind I want of if I want to be working forever or if I want to go back to school or whatever. I just know that I have some talents that other people are supposedto notice but aren't. God probably doesn't think that I'm ready and I kinda agree with him.

So what now? I don't have any special love interests to talk about. Well I kinda do, but I know that assoon as I start talking about him, something bad is going to happen and he will be taken off of my prospective list and right now, he is pretty much the only guy on it. I don't want to say anything about him now mostly because I am afraid that if I do say something or admit any kind of feelings for the guy, then maybe things will get real in my head and in my heart. I don't think that either of us are ready for that. Oh well. There's nothing thatI can do about that but just live my life and keep dreaming the dreams that I dream.


Saturday, July 01, 2006

my new favorite

Shano is a really great artist. you should check out her website. Her paintings are magnificent and they combine fantasy with reality in a lovely way. I want to buy one of her paintings so bad but I'm too poor. Oh well, I guess I must admire from affar. Here is the website or you can click on the title of this entry and it will take you straight to it.

New to this

My name is Regine and I just recently graduated from college. I have so much to look forward to but I'm afraid that things won't go my way. I decided to start this blog thing to get started on what I really want to do: WRITE!!! That is correct. I want to be a writer, more specifically a creative writer. So at some point I'll be putting poems or short stories on here. There are some old things that I have written that I could post and hopefully I can actually get some feedback on them or whatever. Anywho, on with the show!
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