Sunday, December 30, 2007
2. Sacred Heart Drama
3. Family drama
4. Crap job
5. Living in this house all alone
6. No longer singing
7. Gaining weight
1. Went to London
2. Won Shano's "name my painting" contest
3. got a car
4. Eileen and Alissa
5. Brotherhood 2.0 and the Nerdfighters
7. Weekend with Charlie and Kim
8. Weekend with Michael
Ooh yay, one more up than down.
New Year's Resolution
1. Lose weight
2. find somewhere to sing
3. Write more
4. Get a better job
5. Save money
6. update wardrobe
8. go to church every sunday
9. practice flute and keyboard
10. smile more
11. follow my heart
12. stick to the list especially 1,2,4,8, and 11 and 12.
Sunday, November 04, 2007
Your man cheated on you and you know it's true but there is a feeling inside that wants it to not be true.
The reason for all of this is because the truth hurts. I know (or knew, not sure where our friendship stands) a guy who cares a great deal about me. He was always honest with me, which was once a blessing, but now, not so much. We flirted a lot, so much so that we really regretted living so far away from each other. Either was, space could not control how fond we grew of each other. Or so I thought.
Recently I found out that as I was falling for him, he was falling for another. Well, I didn't find it out, he told me point blank, "I really love this woman". (this woman, i.e. not me). Of course, I was jealous, but I knew that I had no control over the situation and knowing the person that I am, I care more about other's feelings rather than my own, so I figured that I would hold my feelings in and just be there for him. In time he realized how I felt, I guess my facial expressions and suddenly distant attitude gave it away. So I was honest with him, and in turn, he was honest with me. He said, "Regine, I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you'd like me to. I'm sorry I don't love you the way I love ___."
I cried like a baby for about an hour, not only because what he said hurt me, but because I knew that he sincerely meant it. I knew that he didn't say it to hurt me, but to be honest with me. At that moment, I really wished that he had said something assholish so I could, at least, dismiss him and run around calling him an asshole. So now I feel so stupid 1. for letting this happen to me AGAIN, 2. for falling for someone that I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I couldn't have and 3. for having the kind of "friendship" that we had.
I can't even hate him because he never mislead me, I can only hate myself. In the off chance that he reads this, I have to face the guilt of making him feel bad, so I just don't win. Although, this may be one guilty feeling that I will have to accept, because at least now, he'll know the truth.
Tuesday, October 02, 2007
My parents are constantly taking it upon themselves to to find more stable jobs for me. I know that they are stressing themselves out and they refuse to listen when I say that I have things under control. I appreciate their efforts and their concern, but they really have to let me do things for myself. I also have to realize that I'm not a kid anymore and I need to stop relying on others to help me out all of the time. I truly need to practice what I preach.
I do have some more good news, the first being me with a job; I have a car and I didn't even have to buy it. My uncle and his family were generous enough to let me use it until it completely collapsed. It's about 15 years old and it is sturdy, so I believe that I have a couple of years with that car until I can gather up enough money for a new one. I am so happy that I have people in my life that would do something like that for me. It makes me regret thinking that I was ever alone and unloved, though there are days when I still feel that way.
I'm starting to have some friends here which is nice. I was a friand that I would be stuck in this house forever just going back and forth from home to work. Well, alright, it's just one new friend, but still, it's something. I'm just sorry that now she is going to have to put up with my flighty, flakey, self-righteous yet self- depricating personality. I'm not that awful, but I have my moments.
Wednesday, July 25, 2007
About a decade before I was born, my parents came from Haiti to live in the U.S because they believed that they would have a better chance at a happier life. As I was growing up, they taught me that in this country all I had to do was study hard and keep my faith in God and I would be able to be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. I graduated from college, and I sing in my church choir. I haven't touched my dream goal yet, but I know that if I keep trying and if this country keeps trying, we all can reach our dream goals. WE just need to stop preventing each other from getting there.
It could be the stupid game of "If I can't win, then I won't let you win" or "To get what I want, I have to take away what you have". That's not fair, is it? Why can't it be "To get where I want to go, I have to take a few people along with me" or "If I want to feel good, I have to help make some other people feel good". Why can't we all realize that life is a journey, not a competition. We should be doing whatever we can to help each other along this journey and instead we are holding people back from their dreams. Back in the day, if one wasn't a straight, blond hair blue-eyed white Christian man, opportunities were guaranteed to be limitted.
Even though we have come a long way, true equality has yet to show its face. We all live in the same country and we "supposedly" pay the same taxes, but we don't all have the same rights. The majority of this country is supposedly Christian, although many people in this country are of different faiths. I don't think Jesus ever said to close our doors to whomever is different; I'm pretty sure he said to love our neighbors as ourselves and to do unto others as we would have done unto us. We are all people and we are made the same way, we have hearts and minds andwe do the same things with them.
We may not have the same belief system but with every religion and every moral code there is one goal, and that is to live a good life. So, is it good to deny other people certain rights or privileges just because they are different? I thought this country was celebrated because of its diversity. Apparently this country would rather have homeless starving children flock the streets than have them live in loving environments with gay people as adoptive parents. This country would rather have AIDS and other STDs spread around the country than allow a gay person the normal human right to be in a legal committed relationship sealed with vows and a certificate. Who the hell do we think we are? Why don't we just get off of our high horses, loosen up our ties, kick off our shoes and just chill. We're all human. Karma can be a b!+(# sometimes, so whatever you emitt, you absorb threefold.
I know that this country is going through a tough time right now (karma) but if war is absolutely necessary, how about a nice game of chess instead? Whoever wins 2 out of 3 games wins the war. No one has to die just because two grumpy old men can't settle their differences.
Please don't arrest me for treason or something like that because that would be mean and because that would be showing the country's low self esteem for not being able to take one person's criticism.
Wednesday, June 27, 2007
Love: Yay! I'm completely over Joe. That is definitely something to celebrate. My "friendship" with Arik is interesting, but I don't like to tell people about that because even though it is real, the nature of it is borderline fantasy-like. All I can say is that he is beginning to take up Joe's space in my... heart. Anyway, enough about him. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago and he says he is eager to see me. "I just want to see your pretty face"... um... ok. Well, if that is the case, why did you stand me up 3 times? Yeah, 3. The third time was just me being stupid because I knew better, but there was something in me that thought, maybe he will turn around and surprise me. That was not the case. He wasn't even my type. He definitely turned me off to Black men in general and Haitian men in particular. I've told myself that I would never be in a relationship with a Haitian man, so I'm not at all disappointed with this situation. I'm just mad at myself that I let it get to 3 stand-ups. Once again, I'd like to think that it was God looking out for me; he doesn't want that guy in my life and neither do I.
Social: Last night was so cool. I went out to dinner with my friends Alissa and Eileen for my birthday (six days after the actual date). We had dinner at Macaroni Grill and went to the movies to see Knocked Up. That movie was so ridiculous. Way too many drug references, and "fuck" had to be the most used word with "the" in a close second. It was funny as hell though, not as funny as Hot Fuzz, but still funny. Alissa's moving on to bigger and better things, Eileen's got the coolest husband and what I think to be a cool life and here I am still at home with people who can't stand to look at me. I know that people have their good things and their bad things so I can't be completely jealous of them. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when I'm older. I just really want some goodness to come my way so that I can prove all of these naysayers wrong.
Thursday, June 07, 2007
4. Jane Eyre
5. Pride and Prejudice
7. Girl Interrupted
8. Like Water for Chocolate
10. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (didn't finish)
11. Sense and Sensibility
12. Mansfield Park
13. Paradise Lost (currently)
14. Equus (currently)
I'm sure a more intellectual person would have read more books than that, but it's hard to read in a home full of people who like to bug me. Well, after having been in school for so long, I forgot what it was like to read for fun. I've even decided to take reread the books that I've read in school because back then, I was just reading them as fast as I could so I could get whatever assignment done. Now that I have no pressure on me, I want to go back and find out why it was necessary to read those books. I want to answer the question, What was so great about the story that we needed to study it and write papers on it.
On a different note, today is a pretty good day. I wrote a poem, I'm feeling very comfortable even though I'm surfing the crimson wave. My pants fit and I'm going for sushi with Alissa and Eileen. My 23rd birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and i'm a bit excited for that. I have a job interview set up for next week and I hope I get it because I need money and I need good dental insurance. What would be really cool though, would be if I got a job at McGraw-Hill or John Wiley and Son's. Those are two pretty cool publsihing companies that deal with educational texts. I really hope one of them hires me. I'm praying!!! I'm really hoping someone good hires me. I don't want to settle for anything, I want to start out with something that will help me grow in what I want to do.
I know that this may be weird to say, but I can feel goodness coming toward me and I know that if I hold on just a bit longer, it will finally reach me and I will be happy. I'm staying positive. OOOh, I can't wait till tonight to hang with the girls. It really is great to have friends that genuinely are about you.
Wednesday, June 06, 2007
So, he's married now and his (seven years his junior) wife is seven months pregnant. I remember days when he would come to me to tell me that she was driving him crazy and that there were points when he couldn't stand her. Hmm, makes a girl think.
To celebrate this occasion, I decided to seriously take him out of my life. I tore up all of his pictures, deleted him from facebook, my phone and aim. I even went through every single comment he has ever left me and deleted those too. It's a little hard to get him out of my head, but at least I can picture him in painful positions, i.e. in a guillotine (a normal sized one and a little one for little Joe), in a bathtub with a hairdryer or radio, or with a noose around his neck.
I just hope the poor girl wises up and divorces his ass and takes him for everything he has and he'll be living on the street with no legs, pushing himself around on a messed up skateboard. :) That would be nice. That would be justice.
I can picture it now; I'm walking down the street looking fabulous, on my way to the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, where I will be receiving one for my latest book. Joe's rolling down the street and he sees me and he calls out my name. I look his way, and there he is, on his crooked skateboard looking a hot mess. He tells me he's sorry, I accept his apology and I go receive my award.
That would be lovely.
Tuesday, May 22, 2007
<-- That is how I wish I looked while in London, but I'm a little bit more of a porker with the same general hairstyle.
Well it was my first time ever in Europe and I felt completely at home there. I was so happy to see Charlie again and I was also happy to get out of the house. I was there for a week and I stayed at Charlie's place which was so good for me because I'm unemployed and broke as a mug. Kim was only able to make it for a day, which shows true friendship. (I haven't spoken to her since then, I should give her a call.)
The wedding was really nice and short (thank God) but it managed to sneak an emotional moment in its 30 min time span. Charlie's mom (R.I.P) made it to the wedding and even though she was sick, I could tell that she was very happy to see her daughter get married. I had never met her before that day, but I had spoken to her on the phone and she was such a sweet woman. She must have been a really cool mom to have raised really great children like Charlie and her brother. She passed away exactly a week after the wedding and I really wish I was there for Charlie, but I know that her husband is there for her.
After the wedding, they showed me around. The first night I was there I got to see Billy Elliot the musical; I saw Windsor Castle, where the queen lives; I saw Buckingham Palace, and we went to the London Zoo. I had a really great time. I wish I had gotten to see the London night life, but that will give me a reason to go back. O.k. not just for the night life but to be in friggin London. Hope fully by then, I'll actually be able to afford my trip and maybe I'll be able to stay there longer.
So, here is a list of countries that I really really really want to go to and why:
France- cause I speak french and who doesn't want to go to France
Italy- I hear Italian men really like black girls
Ireland- The pubs
Spain- The music and the men
Germany- The Beer and Arik <3 (don't ask)
Greece- the decendants of Greek warriors
Australia- I need to perfect the accent
Japan- the fashion
India- to meet Aishwaria Rai, she's really pretty
I haven't been to many US states (is that redundant?) but I don't really have a list of which ones I want to visit yet. Oh well.
Saturday, March 31, 2007
|You Are 50% Weird|
Normal enough to know that you're weird...
But too damn weird to do anything about it!
And this just in...
You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.
What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.
Alright, so I have some news. Nothing completely serious but still exciting to me, therefore, I shall share. Next week, I'm going to Montreal to visit family for Easter. Usually, I'm only ever there for the weekend, but now I'm going to be there for the week. I just hope people don't bug me about things I don't want to talk about like, men, my weight and work.
After that, I'm going to England for the first time ever to visit my very good friend Charlie and be in her wedding. I am so excited. It's going to be my first overnight flight, my first trip to Europe and my second time on an airplane by myself. I'm mostly excited to see Charlie again and to see what London is like. I'll be away from my family, which isn't always a bad thing.
My singing is getting a lot better. Alissa, my friend and choir director, gave me some music from Wicked to learn and I am so excited. I love Defying gravity, but not the way that is it arranged in the book, the original version is loads better. I'd love to learn No Good Deed; that song is off the chain like Defying Gravity. She burned the cd for me and I can't stop listening to it. I love it so much. I've also been having a bunch of solos to do for mass. I love doing them and it makes me feel good to see Alissa's face when I'm done with a song; that is all the glory I need. It's rather awkward having people come up to me and telling me how great it was. I guess I just don't take compliments well. I just look down and say thanks.
I made a couple more collages, I think they are pretty cool but I can never get a good picture of them. Let me know what you think:
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all you hear is either:
1. Love is great, love love. (or)
2. Love sucks, I hate love.
Why do all of these love-enthusiastes or anti-love advocates feel the need to come out on this one day of the year? Having these people around really confuses the others who really have no opinion on the subject. I'm one of those people who isn't sure what to think. I want to love love, but there are so many things happening to me that make me hate it.
Last night I was lying away thinking about my past brushes with love and what happened to make them past and not present.
There are only two men that I felt I loved, Joe and Michael. Right now they are both Pennsylvania men whose only tie to New Jersey is me. The are men that I have had some sort of strong relationship with and now they are men that I no longer speak to.
So why don't I speak to these guys anymore? Well it's simple really.
When I was with them, I belonged to them. They didn't belong to me. I don't think they even wanted to be mine. I felt like I was in a relationship with them but I guess, looking back, that it was more of a master/ slave sort of relationship. I had great friendships with them, or at least I convinced myself that I did. As the friendships became stronger They were the ones that wanted to take the next step. I guess that is typical male behavior. They see a girl that is giving them attention and they want to see how far the girl will go with them.
Michael was my high school thing. We were 15 when we got together and two months later we weren't together anymore. I really liked him and after we broke up, I still liked him. During the rest of our friendship, I spent most of it wanting desperately to recreate a special moment that we had. That, of course, would never happen again because he was finally honest with me and I realized that we would never have a second chance. I finally got over it a little bit after I met Joe.
Joe was another high school thing that turned into a college thing. Our whole friendshit was centered around instant messenger. That is where we met and that is where our friendship was. We flirted a lot and we talked on the phone a couple of times. He was a really nice guy and after 4 years of talking, I felt that I could trust him. So in February during my junior year of college we decided to meet for real. (happy 2 year anniversary of that by the way). I used to call that day the best day of my life, now it's a day that I wish I could forget. I know they say that everything you experience is a blessing because it teaches you something about yourself. Well I think I could live without that experience. There are days when I look back on it and and swoon and there are other days when I just want to die. It would be really cool if I could do what Clementine did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I really want to erase all memories of him. Every single one! Well after that wretched day, we met up again, but after that we hardley spoke. It really felt like he was avoiding me and that lead to a whole year of not speaking. I don't know what lead to it. So in March last year we spoke again and he apologized. Stupid me accepted and we were friends again. I never told him how miserable I was before that. I just really wanted him back in my life. But of course that did not last because he started dating someone (7 years his junior) and apparently they are in love now and are about to have a baby. I really don't want to be happy for him. In fact I feel so sorry for the girl. She got sucked into his trap and now she has no way to get out of if. The sadder part of the situation is that she thinks she is really happy. She has no idea what she is missing out on. When he leaves her, which I know he will, she is going to resent her child and she and the child will be screwed up.
Well I stopped talking to him because he seemed to fall off of the face of the earth when he was with her and then need me when they were broken up. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It might have been very selfish of my but if I wanted to be happy, I couldn't have him in my life anymore. I haven't spoken to him since December.
Even though I've experienced this with the two guys I still want to know what love is. That is the one thing in life that I really want to experience. I know that there is someone out there for me. I want to prove these pessimists wrong but right now all of the evidence is pointing in their favor.
Love will always be a hard and touchy subject for me, but no matter how much it breaks me, I'll always look at it with wide doe-y eyes.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
He is starring in a London play "Equus" where he plays Alan Strang or whatever the character is called. Either way, the point is, HE'S NAKED.
"Equus" premiered on Brodway in 1973 and won a Tony Award, and now it is making a big comeback in London.
Don't take any of this info as official because I am still learning about it but I would really like to see it one day and throw Daniel a sweatshirt cause he's NAKED. hahaha
Monday, January 15, 2007
I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.
My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,From every mountainside, let freedom ring!
From every mountainside, let freedom ring.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
I have a new friend and he is very nice to me. He's taking my mind off of the bad stuff, i.e. JS. We've been talking for a couple of months now and we flirt a lot. Now he's teaching me and it's really fun. I think I missed academic life and he's kinda bringing that back for me. Too bad he's in Greece cause I'm happy he's my friend and if he was here, I think he'd actually make a great boyfriend. Don't tell him I said that.
Anyway, I still don't have a job yet, but I'm one step closer to getting one. I'm with a temp agency in NYC and they are going to help me out. I'm not doing that church youth group thing anymore so I'm happy about that.
I finished reading Persuasion by Jane Austen and it was great. Now I'm reading Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. I enjoyed the movie and I remembered that my sister had the book so I was like, why the hell not. It's here so I might as well. I really like it so far and the movie is really not that much like the book. I'm not complaining though because it's great.
I'm still having up and down issues with my mother, but really, what woman doesn't?
I've been taking singing lessons and I have been having the time of my life with that. I have some crazy solos coming up in the next few weeks and I am so excited. I just hope I don't screw up or anything. Screw that, I won't screw up cause I am awesome!!!
Under the Tuscan Sun was just on. I've seen that movie several times and I love it each time. That movie reminds me that sometimes you have to go through some shit before things things get better, so just live your life, forget about what's bugging you and enjoy the good times.
It's a new year and I want to say a big thank you to the people who helped me get through last year.
Mollie, Arik, Dion, Joelle, Kareen, Shano, Charlie, Kim, Heather P, and some others:
Thank you for the laughs, tears, hugs, beers, prayers and ears. You all have inspired me in more ways than one. Thanks for making 2006 livable.
Wednesday, January 10, 2007
Saturday, January 06, 2007
The first time I officially met him, I thought that he was THE one for me. I thought about him all of the time and I thought that we would really be together. That night was the best night of my life; I didn't want it to end and neither did he. It was perfect. I was falling for him and I didn't know how to tell him and I didn't know if he felt the same way. I was floating on cloud nine for a couple of weeks thinking about this guy who liked me that much, but there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head who really wanted to know how he felt. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. He never did. Instead I didn't hear from him for a year and that whole year I was miserable. He wasn't in my life and I felt like nothing. As the year sped along, I grew more and more comfortable. It was his loss. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, it's alright. But then I was stupid and I found him again and put him back in my life. He captured my heart yet again, but this time he was busy loving someone else. I tried to be a friend but I realized that I didn't just want to be his friend. I also realized that he would rather be with this other girl than with me. Now, after much soul searching, I understood that I deserved better than that and I didn't need this kind of pain in my life. I promised myself that I would never hate him, but that I would never love him either. If I ever see him on the street I'll only be kind to him because that is the stronger thing to do. Now, all I can say is "whatever". I can't change the past, but I can use the present to better my future. Sure I get tempted every once-in-a-while to want to see him, but I control myself and tell myself that nothing good can come from it. And now, here I am typing on my laptop wondering if I'll get another chance to love.
I guess what I really want to know is whether or not I will ever get a chance to live my life the way that I want to. All my life, all I have ever wanted was to experience love, true love. I'm 22 years old and I haven't had that yet. Apparently not even a glimpse of it. I can finally let go of the strings that have guided me like a puppet all of these years. I'm grown up now and I need to start taking control of my life, even if i don't know where I'm going .
Now when it comes to love, I don't know if I'll find it soon or ever. I want to have the real thing. If it's an online thing or a face to face thing, who knows, but anything is better than some average Joe