Will You Be My Friend?

So I don't really get out much. Ok, I don't get out at all. I don't have many friends in my area. Ok I have no friends in my area and I don't exactly live in a place where I would want to go out alone.  I've tried joining meetup groups but there aren't any cool ones here. There aren't any that really fit my interests. Everything is in NYC and I have qualms about traveling to the city alone, especially at night. 

Maybe I live a sheltered life or maybe I'm just being cautious. What I know for certain is that I haven't made a new acquaintance in about a year and that mess needs to change. I quite enjoy making new friends. Large groups are exhausting, but having a nice tight knit group is always nice to have. I miss going on group outings. I miss going to my friends house and hanging out.  It was so much easier to do when I used to live in a dorm room, but now, living with the rents in a city that no one would want to set foot in really puts a damper on things.

Now, if I am having a hard time making new friends in this city that I grew up in, how in the world am I going to find someone to love? Just by looking at some of the guys in my city, I know that my Mr. Right isn't here. I thought maybe online dating would help me. So far no luck. eHarmony, Match, Plentyoffish, none of these helped me out (yet). I don't want to count online dating out just yet because it's still fresh and you can't move to a new place and expect to find the love of your life in the first two months of being there.

I guess I need to realize that if I want to invite people into my life, I have to make my life available for other people to notice.  The reason why I never meet anyone new is because I'm busy doing the same things everyday and seeing the same people everyday. I have to do something out of the ordinary. I need to get out of my comfort zone.  I need to get over my fear of people, their opinions and the possibility of being rejected by them.

Even though I may be alone physically, I know that I'm not alone when it comes to fearing other people opinions. I missed out on the possibility of having a great, long-lasting friendships because I was afraid of what my friends thought of me and it made me paranoid.  They are off having the time of their lives and I'm here writing a blog for people who don't read it.

I/ We am/are perfect right now!

I learned a lesson yesterday that I always understood, but didn't really get. As some of you may know, I'm on this exercise kick and it is really sticking with me. I've been doing a lot of self improvement. I seriously thought that I was doing all of this to get others to like me. At least, that is why I was doing it before, and that is also why I failed all those times before. Now I know that improving myself has nothing to do with other people and everything to do with me.  And it isn't really even improving myself, I'm just chipping away at all of the gunk that is inconsistent with the person that I want to be or really am.

A sculptor was once asked how he knew what to chip away and what to keep. He replied by saying that he was taking away everything that wasn't the sculpture. We as human beings are already perfect sculptures; we are just carrying all of that extra stuff on us that keeps us hidden.

The lesson I thought I knew was:
"If you can't love me at my worst, you don't deserve me at my best."

That's all well and good, but last night I learned:
"If I can't love myself at my worst, I don't deserve myself at my best."

What a difference a pronoun makes. I have been judging myself with all of these ridiculous standards for so long that I hadn't realized how overshadowed my values and principles were. I always talk about how the world needs more love and acceptance, but how am I loving and accepting myself if I am constantly telling myself that I should be a different way? Now I know that I am living my perfect life and being my perfect self right now.

Goodby My Lover

Last night I dreamt that I was giving a speech at my old school (couldn't really tell if it was Drew or Hill, dreams are funny that way) in an area that looked more like a coliseum from Ancient Greece. I was walking around the upper most level watching all of the people gather to hear me speak. I walked past a collumn and I saw a familliar face a few steps below. I walked down the stairs a bit to get a closer look. It was him. I hadn't seen him in years and there he was. He looked up at me and gave me this look of total digust, as if I had dirt on my face. There was an ache in the center of my chest that woke me from my dream. I sat up in bed and realized that after 2 and a half years of secretly hoping to see this man again, it was never going to happen.

This is my official "Goodbye" to a man that I once knew. Even though you left a long time ago, I still kept you with me. Wherever you are, I hope you are happy. God Bless!

India Arie wrote a song called "Good Morning" that expresses 100% how I felt and am feeling.

Love-cessed

I am currently reading A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf and it is making me think about how I am functioning as a woman. Women in history have struggled to make a name for themselves and to make this world a place where women are seen as vital members of society. If Harriet Tubman, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf and Rosa Parks saw me today, they would be so disappointed. I have the world at my finger tips.  I literally CAN have have everything that I want and it is because of them that I have that.  I am a free Haitian-American woman LIVING in the 21st century. I speak 3 languages well and I am learning a 4th. I have a WICKED AWESOME singing voice. I'm educated, strong and super funny so what is keeping me from realizing my dreams and the hopes of my female predecessors?

When we were little girls, we read or heard stories that started with "Once upon a time" and ended with "...and they lived happily ever after".  Many of these stories involve a young girl (most likely a princess) who is unhappy with her circumstances. She suffers and suffers until finally, a miracle happens. She meets a young man (most likely a prince or a knight) and she is saved. It has been engraved in our heads since childhood that we basically have to wait to have the things that we want until after we find our guy. Who the heck made up that rule? *cough* men *cough*

I grew up thinking that everything would be fine as soon as I found my "true love".  Pop culture made love look so beautiful. Everyday is a spring day when you are in love. The two of you will always walk hand in hand wherever you go.  Every time you kiss, the two of you will start spinning around slowly and in the background, there will be a beautiful display of fireworks.  That is what I wanted (still want).  I wanted to experience that magic that happens when two people meet.

I met guys. I liked him but he didn't like me.  He liked me but I didn't like him. We liked each other but we were too far apart. That is when I learned that I can't wait for just any guy, I have to wait for THE guy. THE ONE!! The magical one. I wanted my special ONE to be more than any old bloke so I made the list.  Tall, dark hair, light eyes, educated, creative, loving, blah blah blah. I prayed on it; I meditated. I stood in front of a statue of St. Anthony and said "find this man, now".  My prayers were answered.  St. Anthony delivered a beautiful young man who was practically perfect.  He smelled good, he dressed nicely, he had a masters degree.  We liked the same things and his eyes were the most beautiful honey colored with bits of green.  We held hands everywhere we went and everyday was Spring.  Then one night, I did the most horrific thing a girl in my position could do.  I got down on my knees and prayed.  "If this guy isn't the one, take him out of my life."  Two weeks later, he was out of my life.

As happy as I was with this guy, I was so obsessed with having the ONE that I completely deprived myself of having good experiences with this guy.  This happened 2 years ago and I still think about what an idiot I was (am). 

For the last 2 years I've been wanting to get back out there and try again, but I've been scared that I would never find a guy as great as he was.  No one seemed good enough or accessible enough.  I stopped trying. Now, everyone I know is getting married, having children and moving on to great careers.  Stupid me is thinking, "If you didn't let him go, you would be happy too."  New and improved light shining me is thinking, "Be happy for those people and be the radiant woman that you know you are."  The here and now me doesn't know what to think. 

I still want my happily ever after because I deserve it; I just have to do a little more than wishing and praying. I have to go out there and be Radiant Regine.