Conflicted

Disclaimer!!! Anything that you read here that may seem disturbing is jut my way of venting. I will in no way cause any of the bad things that you will read about. I'm just blowing off some steam.



I am still learning who my friends are and I realize that I don't have many; I actually have very few. I don't just mean friends to hang out with, I mean friends who are there for me through whatever, whenever. That is why I have my family. My sister, my mom and sometimes my cousin Joelle are the ones who I can go to in my family and speak relatively honestly with them. But who do I go to when I get annoyed with them?

I want my friends to be genuinely excited to see me or to hear from me, and I want them to want to talk to me also. I have Kim Charlie and Mollie, three friendships that lasted successfully for several years and I am so grateful for that. I just wish that I was around them more often or they were around me more often so my life wouldn't be as miserable as it is.

I don't want to be miserable, I just keep finding myself in these situations where I need a shoulder to cry on and there is no one there for me and that makes me ever sadder. I made a decision a while ago to take someone out of my life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I was in love with him. We used to be very good friends and after we had our encounter, we split apart for a little while and then reconnected. I was happy to have him in my life again but I don't think he was too thrilled, at least that is what I was sensing. I wasn't really sure what to think of it at first because I was just happy to be speaking to him again, but when he started dating what's-her-face, he would stop talking to me for a while. Then they would break up and he would tell me about it and be all miserable. Then they'd get back together and I wouldn't hear from him again. I wanted to have a better relationship with him or at least have it the way it was before our encounter. I realized that it would never be that way again to I made a choice. I asked myself:

Is this really the kind of person that I want in my life? Is this the kind of person that I want to love?

I made one last effort to show him how I felt and he chose not to acknowledge it so that is when I gave him the boot. The sad part of it all is that he never made an effort to try to redeem himself. So now I feel like he's happy to have me out of his life, so once again I lost me excitement about giving someone the ol' heave-ho.
It irritates me to know that he doesn't care and now all i want to do is hurt him, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want him to suffer 2 year's worth of pain like I did. He took 6 years of my life and and screwed it up completely. The first 4, I must admit was the best, but the last two were hell for me and I want him to pay!!!!

I want someone to mess with his mind and his heart; I want someone to take advantage of him; I want someone to use him; I want someone to drive him to suicidalness. I want him to know how it feels to be treated like dirt by someone he loves. I don't want him to die because that would be letting him off the hook. He needs to be scarred like I am.

The thing that I want most in the world is for him to come to me face to face, kneel down before me, take my hand and give me a 20 minute long apology, which I will gracefully accept because whatever pain that I would be able to inflict on him, no matter how great, will fail in comparison to the torture he is going to experience in HELL!!!