Thursday, October 12, 2006

Releasing my emotional baggage

I'll tell you my problems, you look at me with disgust and I walk away in shame.

Why have I decided to air out my dirty laundry? Well admittance is the first step to recovery.

Well the root of every girl's problems goes straight back to her mother. My mother is a lunatic. I want to love her, I try to love her. Yesterday, she came home from work and I saw her outside with her hair flowing in the breeze and I thought to myself, my mom is really beautiful. Then she comes inside and tells me that I have to go to church with her. Normally I'm fine with that, but it was an all new episode of Gilmore Girls and I didn't want to miss it. Call me sacreligious but Jesus knows I have nothing but love for him. He told me so. Anywho, she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. She proceeded to say that I was a burden and that I need to grow up. Now I'm thinking to myself, why did this bitch have to ruin my day. I was making progress and then she had to open her mouth. I'm at home looking for work and trying to get skinny per her request and she comes home and continues to kick me while I'm down. Now that was just yesterday.
Now there is my sister, the overachiever, the semi-genius, the perfect one. All my life I have had to live up to her. I tell her my problems and she calls me pathetic. She tells me her problems and I'm supposed to be supportive. I cut all of my hair off because I'm depressed and she calls me dumb. She cuts her hair off because she's depressed and she is a poor brave soul who has found the courage to start over. THAT HEIFFER!!!
The only person at home that I feel comfortable around is my little brother. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot like my sister does. He doesn't make me feel like garbage like my mother does and he doesn't make me feel like a human punching bag like my dad does. The only problem is that he has Down Syndrome so he has no idea what I talk about and half the time I can't understand what he says.
I don't have a job, a boyfriend or any friends that live close so I have nowhere to go. I don't have my license yet so even if I had someplace to go, I'd have no way to get there.

Shall I continue?

Image issues: from the neck up, I'm fine, everything else is a mess. I don't believe it when people say that I look good because my family never said it to me. I'd always hear "you would be so pretty if you lost weight". "Maybe you would get a boyfriend if you dressed nicer, lost weight and wore makeup." I used to be (ahem) top heavy, but I fixed that, but now I'm scarred for life (physically and emotionally)
Romantic issues: almost every guy that I was interested in was either gay or completely not interested. Apparently you have to be drunk or deperate to approach me.I have to admitt that there was one that was genuine but...
I think that is all that I can think of for now. I'm a bit miffed and I wish I had a couple of drinks in me.

1 comment:

The Mo said...

girl i believe God has some beautiful men in store for us...we are ust too damn impatient and worry to much. we then internalize it and think something is wrong with us when in fact we are the greatest. all those fools are missing out!

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