Thursday, September 21, 2006


I finally decided to start writing something. I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time and if I want to be a writer, I have to start. I guess I have to learn to nag myself. I know that I will eventually hate myself for it but I have to do it. I have been around a lot of family this past summer and it got me on highs and lows. One minute I am very happy to see them and the next I wish they would leave already.
It has been a long time since I have been able to do the things that I wanted so I am having a hard time deciding what it is that I want. What I want to do, what I want to be, where I want to go. That sort of thing. Now I am in the point in my life when I really need ot sit down and htink about this stuff but I am so used to being told what to do, when to go to bed, what classes to take that now that I am on my own, I don't know what to do. I've always done things because I was told to and my doing these things would please whomever it was that was telling me to do these things. From that, I was programmed to be happy only when i pleased someone. When someone wasn't happy, I wasn't happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I was told to ask God to do certain things for me and if I said a specific prayer along with it, my request would have a better chance of happening. I wasn't sure if this really was able to happen but I gave it a shot anyway. So what did I ask God to do for me? I asked him to help my parents, my sister, my grandmothers, my brother and if it wasn't too big of a list to maybe help me too. When I was done with the list, I noticed that I wasn't first on it; I was last. How troubled do I have to be to put myself last on my own list?
I actually made the mistake of being happy today. I went to sleep depressed and crying, I woke up depressed and crying and then I got happy. I had pizza with my sister. I helped my brother with his homework. I did the Bing Bang dance to Lazytown and I felt good. Then, my mother came home and I made the biggest mistake of all. I told her that I was in a good mood. She reveled in it and managed to ruin it.

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