Monday, June 07, 2010
Jealousy
Oh, to be a young woman in a home where you feel like you don't belong. To be around people who have so much going for them and you and nothing. You are forced to be humble and kinds and ladylike when everyone around you can be snobby and brag about everything that they have.
Whether it is something as simple as a job or something big like an engagement, there will always be something floating over your head making you feel jealous. People are advancing in their lives and you feel stagnant. This one's getting married; that one's having a baby. This one just got a promotion; that one just graduated. You're happy for these people, but then there is something in the pit of your stomach that is aching to have their success.
You know that you are not ready for marriage or kids and you might not want to go back to school, but there is that sense of accomplishment that is lacking in your life. If only we could all be like Fanny Price in Mansfield Park and just be happy for these people and continue to live our lives. Take our parents' criticism with a grain of salt and continue being true to ourselves.
We all know that jealousy gets us nowhere and yet every time someone does something awesome, we become green-eyed monsters. This is advice that I should be the first person in line to receive: If you want something, go for it. Use your jealousy to inspire you to do something great rather than sit around and mope.
Go and get yours!
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
The ignored rantings of an unemployed nobody
I'm tired. I have no energy. Trying has become a chore; one that has become too difficult and too exhausting to attempt. Today, I've given up. I don't remember the things that I want in life. I don't remember what it feels like to have a passion for something. I've stopped being.
My understanding of the verb to be isn't just to live or to exist but to fulfill a purpose. To act out a deep passion. We all have wishes and dreams and there is a reason why we have them. We all have a mission and being helps us to fulfill that mission.
Right now, I feel like I haven't been assigned a mission and I am just waiting for one. A couple of hours ago, I was thinking about graduate school. I actually got excited about it for a moment. I was looking at a few schools and their requirements. As I was looking, my mentality went from "I can do it" to "I can't do this. They will never accept me".
I have sent out so many resumes and I haven't received one call from those places. At first I thought that maybe it was because the Universe had another plan for me and those mediocre jobs were irrelevant, but now I feel like I suck and they find me unworthy like most of the people who were once in my life and weaseled their way out.
I once thought that I was a humble person, but now I see that I lack the ability to say anything positive about myself. I hear negative things everyday and I believe them. This is why I make a lot of friends online. It's easy to fake self-esteem in words. They don't have to see my face.
This would be so much easier to deal with if I had a therapist. That way, I would at least have someone who would listen, but I don't have insurance and I turn 26 very soon so even if I had it under my parents, it would go away soon anyway. I can't talk to my parents or my sister because they aren't very good listeners and they like to say "should" a lot. I don't need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone who can help me figure things out.
Normally, I don't like asking for help because I am determined to do at least one thing for myself. Unfortunately, I have no follow-through. I have no guts, no drive, no passion. I can't remember the last time I was happy about something I did. I'm starving for any sort of positive attention that I could possibly get. I can't wait for this weekend because I am going to Montreal to visit family. I am sure that someone there will give me some positive energy so that I can come back to this house and start over.
I wish it was possible to sweat out all of the negative feelings that a person has about herself. I'd be a hundred pound lighter and a hundred pounds happier. When I sit and think for a long time. I strip away all of the things that piss me off. I think about the one thing in the world I could do for myself that would bring some happiness. Every time I do this, I come to the same conclusion. NO matter how much I like to write and create art, I know that deep down in my heart of hearts I want to sing. That is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I feel like that is the only thing that I can do right. I need to get back in to doing that again. Last month I posted a couple of videos of me singing on YouTube; I should keep doing that. I can at least get excited about something again.
I am seriously hoping that Harold Camping is right about next year because I am tired of this nonsense and I want it all to go away.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
You have to say it three times for it to work.
My understanding of the verb to be isn't just to live or to exist but to fulfill a purpose. To act out a deep passion. We all have wishes and dreams and there is a reason why we have them. We all have a mission and being helps us to fulfill that mission.
Right now, I feel like I haven't been assigned a mission and I am just waiting for one. A couple of hours ago, I was thinking about graduate school. I actually got excited about it for a moment. I was looking at a few schools and their requirements. As I was looking, my mentality went from "I can do it" to "I can't do this. They will never accept me".
I have sent out so many resumes and I haven't received one call from those places. At first I thought that maybe it was because the Universe had another plan for me and those mediocre jobs were irrelevant, but now I feel like I suck and they find me unworthy like most of the people who were once in my life and weaseled their way out.
I once thought that I was a humble person, but now I see that I lack the ability to say anything positive about myself. I hear negative things everyday and I believe them. This is why I make a lot of friends online. It's easy to fake self-esteem in words. They don't have to see my face.
This would be so much easier to deal with if I had a therapist. That way, I would at least have someone who would listen, but I don't have insurance and I turn 26 very soon so even if I had it under my parents, it would go away soon anyway. I can't talk to my parents or my sister because they aren't very good listeners and they like to say "should" a lot. I don't need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone who can help me figure things out.
Normally, I don't like asking for help because I am determined to do at least one thing for myself. Unfortunately, I have no follow-through. I have no guts, no drive, no passion. I can't remember the last time I was happy about something I did. I'm starving for any sort of positive attention that I could possibly get. I can't wait for this weekend because I am going to Montreal to visit family. I am sure that someone there will give me some positive energy so that I can come back to this house and start over.
I wish it was possible to sweat out all of the negative feelings that a person has about herself. I'd be a hundred pound lighter and a hundred pounds happier. When I sit and think for a long time. I strip away all of the things that piss me off. I think about the one thing in the world I could do for myself that would bring some happiness. Every time I do this, I come to the same conclusion. NO matter how much I like to write and create art, I know that deep down in my heart of hearts I want to sing. That is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I feel like that is the only thing that I can do right. I need to get back in to doing that again. Last month I posted a couple of videos of me singing on YouTube; I should keep doing that. I can at least get excited about something again.
I am seriously hoping that Harold Camping is right about next year because I am tired of this nonsense and I want it all to go away.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
You have to say it three times for it to work.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Very short update
I'm actually doing better now. In the job hunting department, anyway. I'm working out, writing and singing. Mostly, I'm trying not to go crazy. I'm trying to hold on for this weekend because we are going to Montreal to visit family for the long weekend. We are going to be celebrating my grandmother's 90th birthday even though that happened 3 months ago, but I guess it is never too late to celebrate.
I've been staying open-minded for my mother, but of course she remains to be her usual close-minded self. My poor father is trying very hard to be nice to me and I feel like I'm still being a b!%@# to him. Yesterday, he offered to buy me a new bedroom set (with money he doesn't have) and I just kinda brushed him off because Mom was being all "Don't buy anything for her, when she gets her money, she will buy her stuff herself." Then last night he was just trying to be a good father and I flipped out on him a little because he patted me on the head and we all know that I don't like to be touched especially when it makes me feel like a child. I would have let it slide if he and my mother weren't sort of ganging up on me about something stupid and telling me stuff that I already know.
Today, I decided to be a good girl and do some cleaning and be productive, but I doubt that will get me anywhere with the folks. I need a therapist, do you guys know a good free one?
I've been staying open-minded for my mother, but of course she remains to be her usual close-minded self. My poor father is trying very hard to be nice to me and I feel like I'm still being a b!%@# to him. Yesterday, he offered to buy me a new bedroom set (with money he doesn't have) and I just kinda brushed him off because Mom was being all "Don't buy anything for her, when she gets her money, she will buy her stuff herself." Then last night he was just trying to be a good father and I flipped out on him a little because he patted me on the head and we all know that I don't like to be touched especially when it makes me feel like a child. I would have let it slide if he and my mother weren't sort of ganging up on me about something stupid and telling me stuff that I already know.
Today, I decided to be a good girl and do some cleaning and be productive, but I doubt that will get me anywhere with the folks. I need a therapist, do you guys know a good free one?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Today on Oprah
Best selling author, Geneen Roth was a guest on Oprah today. She was there to talk about her book "Women Food and God" and how it can help you with your weight loss. She explained how dieting leads to self loathing and a lack of self worth. This makes a lot of sense because when you think about dieting, you think about denying yourself of the things that you like. A diet can be seen as a punishment for letting yourself go.
She also explained that when you eat when you aren't hungry, you are not allowing yourself to feel. Normally, you eat to fix feeling hungry, and you stop eating when you are satisfied. When you aren't hungry, you are something else. You are happy, sad, tired, bored, angry, whatever. These feelings are overwhelming at times and you want to feel satisfied. The easiest way to satisfy yourself is to eat something.
There is some goal in or lives that we wish we could achieve, but we aren't sure what it is yet. All we know about this goal is that it makes us feel good and satisfied with our lives. This good feeling is what Roth is interpreting as "God". Whether you call it God or not, it is ultimately this greater state of being that we wish we could have. Believing that there may not be a chance to reach this "greater state of being" we become overwhelmed and anxious. We don't like these feelings so we turn to food.
Oprah got emotional when she told her audience that she still feels anxiety when it comes to the possibility of disappointing people. She filled us in on how she was whipped as a child and wasn't allowed to feel what she was feeling after the whipping. (I've been there) She was told to take the beating, wipe the tears from her face and don't remind her elder that she was just beaten. I know that a lot of people have gone through this and many of her audience members were getting emotional. Because of this memory residing in her, Oprah, now, feels the need to stay in people's good graces. She feels that she will be punished somehow if she doesn't. To deal with that fear, she turned to food. She realized that she was still listening to the child inside of her. Now she knows, like the rest of us, that she is old enough to take care of herself.
Two former guests came back to the show to give an update on themselves. They were two women who were very good friends and perhaps cousin as well. The first time they were on the show, they talked about how one of them had lost so much weight and how the other one was jealous of that. They didn't see each other for 6 years after because they were ashamed. Today, the one who lost all of the weight gained it back and the other one feels a little bit better because she has her friend back. The two women learned that the one was jealous of the other, not because of the success of the other but because of her own failure.
When people aren't happy for you when you succeed, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They are insecure and are taking it out on you. This is the part where they talk about a chapter in the book called "Reteaching Loveliness". We have to believe that we were put on this world for more than just trying to lose weight. When we diet, we tell ourselves that we are fat, ugly, unworthy. "Self loathing doesn't lead to change." If we want to see a change in ourselves, we have to look at ourselves differently. We have to stop looking at the things that we hate about ourselves and look deeper. When we look deep into our souls, do we like what we see? When critiquing ourselves, we have to be as kind to ourselves as we would be if we were talking to children. You would never tell a child who feels fat that she has a big tummy and jiggly thighs.
We have to change our beliefs and realize that food doesn't work when it comes to fixing our spirits. Yes, you are good enough. Yes, you are lovable. Don't let food numb you.
These were a few tips that were given at the end of the show:
Eat when you're hungry.
Eat sitting down. (not in a car)
Eat till you are satisfied.
Eat what your body wants.
Eat with enjoyment.
This show helped me realize some things about myself and why I like food a little more than I should.
She also explained that when you eat when you aren't hungry, you are not allowing yourself to feel. Normally, you eat to fix feeling hungry, and you stop eating when you are satisfied. When you aren't hungry, you are something else. You are happy, sad, tired, bored, angry, whatever. These feelings are overwhelming at times and you want to feel satisfied. The easiest way to satisfy yourself is to eat something.
There is some goal in or lives that we wish we could achieve, but we aren't sure what it is yet. All we know about this goal is that it makes us feel good and satisfied with our lives. This good feeling is what Roth is interpreting as "God". Whether you call it God or not, it is ultimately this greater state of being that we wish we could have. Believing that there may not be a chance to reach this "greater state of being" we become overwhelmed and anxious. We don't like these feelings so we turn to food.
Oprah got emotional when she told her audience that she still feels anxiety when it comes to the possibility of disappointing people. She filled us in on how she was whipped as a child and wasn't allowed to feel what she was feeling after the whipping. (I've been there) She was told to take the beating, wipe the tears from her face and don't remind her elder that she was just beaten. I know that a lot of people have gone through this and many of her audience members were getting emotional. Because of this memory residing in her, Oprah, now, feels the need to stay in people's good graces. She feels that she will be punished somehow if she doesn't. To deal with that fear, she turned to food. She realized that she was still listening to the child inside of her. Now she knows, like the rest of us, that she is old enough to take care of herself.
Two former guests came back to the show to give an update on themselves. They were two women who were very good friends and perhaps cousin as well. The first time they were on the show, they talked about how one of them had lost so much weight and how the other one was jealous of that. They didn't see each other for 6 years after because they were ashamed. Today, the one who lost all of the weight gained it back and the other one feels a little bit better because she has her friend back. The two women learned that the one was jealous of the other, not because of the success of the other but because of her own failure.
When people aren't happy for you when you succeed, it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. They are insecure and are taking it out on you. This is the part where they talk about a chapter in the book called "Reteaching Loveliness". We have to believe that we were put on this world for more than just trying to lose weight. When we diet, we tell ourselves that we are fat, ugly, unworthy. "Self loathing doesn't lead to change." If we want to see a change in ourselves, we have to look at ourselves differently. We have to stop looking at the things that we hate about ourselves and look deeper. When we look deep into our souls, do we like what we see? When critiquing ourselves, we have to be as kind to ourselves as we would be if we were talking to children. You would never tell a child who feels fat that she has a big tummy and jiggly thighs.
We have to change our beliefs and realize that food doesn't work when it comes to fixing our spirits. Yes, you are good enough. Yes, you are lovable. Don't let food numb you.
These were a few tips that were given at the end of the show:
Eat when you're hungry.
Eat sitting down. (not in a car)
Eat till you are satisfied.
Eat what your body wants.
Eat with enjoyment.
This show helped me realize some things about myself and why I like food a little more than I should.
Monday, May 10, 2010
Gentlemen/ A letter
I was taking a walk to South Orange today when a couple of thoughts came to me. Where have all the gentlemen gone and why is there such a significant difference between Newark and South Orange?
While I was walking, I noticed that I am more of a gentleman than the men in my neighborhood. When I walk and I see someone walking in my direction, I move over a bit so that person can have room on the sidewalk. Now, when I move to one side, I expect the other person to move over on the other side so that we both can have the same amount of space to walk by. I walked by an older woman, I moved- she moved. I walked by two women walking together, I moved-they moved. I walked by a man, I moved- he stayed and almost bumped into me. Seriously, Dude? You're not going to extend the courtesy of moving over an inch so that I can walk by without having to side-step my way past you?
Jerk!
I have walked past men who spit right in front of me. They do cat calls, they scratch, they stare. They just have no respect.
Talking about no respect. I noticed that S.O is so much cleaner than Newark is and that is mostly because people have no respect for this place that was once such a great city. In my school days, I was always going over to my friends' houses because none of them wanted to come to Newark. This place has a bad rep and people think the worst. It came to a point where I didn't want to tell people I went to school with that I live in Newark. I don't want to be ashamed of where I'm from because some idiots don't know how to be civil. Here is what I have to say:
A Letter from one Newark Resident to another:
Dear Res,
Newark is your home. Treasure it. Love it. Would you invite someone to your home when you know that you don't keep it clean? Do you want people to point to your home and say "That is the lace where the dirty people/stupid people/violent people/crazy people live"? I don't think so.
Clean your home. Take pride in your home. Take advantage of all the wonderful things that you home has to offer. There's life here. There's art here. There's culture here. There's education here. There's hope here. You're here. Turn Newark into a place in which you would be proud to live.
Your Neighbor,
Reg
While I was walking, I noticed that I am more of a gentleman than the men in my neighborhood. When I walk and I see someone walking in my direction, I move over a bit so that person can have room on the sidewalk. Now, when I move to one side, I expect the other person to move over on the other side so that we both can have the same amount of space to walk by. I walked by an older woman, I moved- she moved. I walked by two women walking together, I moved-they moved. I walked by a man, I moved- he stayed and almost bumped into me. Seriously, Dude? You're not going to extend the courtesy of moving over an inch so that I can walk by without having to side-step my way past you?
Jerk!
I have walked past men who spit right in front of me. They do cat calls, they scratch, they stare. They just have no respect.
Talking about no respect. I noticed that S.O is so much cleaner than Newark is and that is mostly because people have no respect for this place that was once such a great city. In my school days, I was always going over to my friends' houses because none of them wanted to come to Newark. This place has a bad rep and people think the worst. It came to a point where I didn't want to tell people I went to school with that I live in Newark. I don't want to be ashamed of where I'm from because some idiots don't know how to be civil. Here is what I have to say:
A Letter from one Newark Resident to another:
Dear Res,
Newark is your home. Treasure it. Love it. Would you invite someone to your home when you know that you don't keep it clean? Do you want people to point to your home and say "That is the lace where the dirty people/stupid people/violent people/crazy people live"? I don't think so.
Clean your home. Take pride in your home. Take advantage of all the wonderful things that you home has to offer. There's life here. There's art here. There's culture here. There's education here. There's hope here. You're here. Turn Newark into a place in which you would be proud to live.
Your Neighbor,
Reg
Tuesday, May 04, 2010
Job hunting on Craigslist
Craigslist.org may seem like a very convenient place to find things like jobs, collectible action figures, and romantic encounters. It is, but it's important to be careful with what you find.
Along with any other website that has you exchanging you information with total strangers, it is a major risk and you have to learn how to sort out the phonies with the credible ones.
In my case, I'm looking for a job and there are tons of opportunities that are posted. Many of them seem promising, and the others seem odd. Whether they are legitimate opportunities or not, a lot of these postings lack so much important information.
When I look at a posting I expect to see:
Company Name and history
Position title and duties
Location (full address)
website
Salary info
Requirements for the job
Contact information
Unfortunately, many of these posts only give you the position name, requirements and maybe salary information. I've literally seem:
"Livingston office looking for Administrative Assistant. Must be Microsoft Office proficient. Must have a friendly demeanor and the ability to milti-task."
What the hell kind of job posting is that?
We, as job seekers, are taking a big risk by giving these invisible job providers our information. In no way am I trashing Craigslist. I know many people who have found great opportunities through the website. I just want to put it out there that the website is one of those things where you need to proceed with caution. Be optimistic, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket. We are intelligent people and it really sucks to get screwed over especially when we are trying to maintain hope in this seemingly hopeless job market.
Stay positive and optimistic.
Along with any other website that has you exchanging you information with total strangers, it is a major risk and you have to learn how to sort out the phonies with the credible ones.
In my case, I'm looking for a job and there are tons of opportunities that are posted. Many of them seem promising, and the others seem odd. Whether they are legitimate opportunities or not, a lot of these postings lack so much important information.
When I look at a posting I expect to see:
Company Name and history
Position title and duties
Location (full address)
website
Salary info
Requirements for the job
Contact information
Unfortunately, many of these posts only give you the position name, requirements and maybe salary information. I've literally seem:
"Livingston office looking for Administrative Assistant. Must be Microsoft Office proficient. Must have a friendly demeanor and the ability to milti-task."
What the hell kind of job posting is that?
We, as job seekers, are taking a big risk by giving these invisible job providers our information. In no way am I trashing Craigslist. I know many people who have found great opportunities through the website. I just want to put it out there that the website is one of those things where you need to proceed with caution. Be optimistic, but don't put all of your eggs in one basket. We are intelligent people and it really sucks to get screwed over especially when we are trying to maintain hope in this seemingly hopeless job market.
Stay positive and optimistic.
Friday, April 30, 2010
The easy life
I think that we all know how easy it is to get stuck in a routine. Well right now, my routine is: get up, go on computer, stay on computer, watch tv and go to sleep. I am trying very hard to get out of that routine and it is even harder when I don't have someone who is in my corner in close proximity to me.
I've been applying for jobs in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and even Silver Spring, Maryland. I am slowly incorporating job hunting into my routine. I have a dream for myself but I know that right now is bill paying time. Although I want a job to help me stay financially stable, I also want something that will be fulfilling and beneficial to my career path. If I just wanted the money, I would have stayed where I was and dealt with being under payed and managed getting by.
I have to admit that I was very stupid when it came to quitting my job. I hadn't really planned on it, but I knew in my heart that was what I wanted to do. My dream is to take New York City by storm, but I have many years to do that (God willing). I understand that right now is meant for getting stable and secure so I gave in and decided to do that. I used to be this wide-eyed young girl who believed that it was important to follow one's dreams and live everyday like it's my last. Well, I still believe that it is important to live everyday like it's my last, but I also know that it is important to make this place livable in case today isn't my last day.
Now that my bank account is practically empty and there is no one else begging me to visit them, I have a lot of pressure and time to make this happen. Yesterday, I got a call from an insurance company and they want me to come in for an interview. Even though that is not what I want to do with my life, I am looking forward to this interview and the possibility of getting this job because there are so many things that I still need to learn. I am sure that this opportunity was put in my clutches for a reason and I am going to do my damnedest not to blow it.
I've been applying for jobs in New Jersey, New York, Pennsylvania and even Silver Spring, Maryland. I am slowly incorporating job hunting into my routine. I have a dream for myself but I know that right now is bill paying time. Although I want a job to help me stay financially stable, I also want something that will be fulfilling and beneficial to my career path. If I just wanted the money, I would have stayed where I was and dealt with being under payed and managed getting by.
I have to admit that I was very stupid when it came to quitting my job. I hadn't really planned on it, but I knew in my heart that was what I wanted to do. My dream is to take New York City by storm, but I have many years to do that (God willing). I understand that right now is meant for getting stable and secure so I gave in and decided to do that. I used to be this wide-eyed young girl who believed that it was important to follow one's dreams and live everyday like it's my last. Well, I still believe that it is important to live everyday like it's my last, but I also know that it is important to make this place livable in case today isn't my last day.
Now that my bank account is practically empty and there is no one else begging me to visit them, I have a lot of pressure and time to make this happen. Yesterday, I got a call from an insurance company and they want me to come in for an interview. Even though that is not what I want to do with my life, I am looking forward to this interview and the possibility of getting this job because there are so many things that I still need to learn. I am sure that this opportunity was put in my clutches for a reason and I am going to do my damnedest not to blow it.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Going back
I guess there is a reason why the weather is so gloomy today. At 1:30 pm today, I will be on a bus back to New Jersey and I really don't want to go. I have nothing to go to there. My mother made it clear how she felt about my presence. So I'm not looking forward to being back there. I'm making it my mission to be on top of my job hunt and hopefully it will take me out of New Jersey. I'm also going to be submitting my writing to certain places. I can't have any distractions anymore so who knows how often I'm going to be writing in here.
It's got to be everyday, but who knows.
I think I'm finally done running away from stuff and I am ready to get down to business. It's a really hard and scary thing knowing that you can run away as much as you want, but the real world is still out there waiting for you. The real world hasn't paused, so when you get back, it's going to be harder to deal with. you guys will probably read a lot more self deprecating posts before it gets better because I know exactly what I'm going to have to be facing when I get back.
!. Crazy mother
@. ridiculously unfruitful job market
#. living at home with the parents
$. bills that I CAN'T pay
%. The inability to go out and have fun with friends
^. Knowing that everyone I know is doing better than I am
&. The possibility that I might suck at writing and no one will publish me
*. Knowing that I'll probably never date again
(. I probably won't find a job before my 26th bday
). I'll be too stressed out to effectively continue losing weight
So much to worry about, which means I have to push it harder than I've ever done before.
This sucks!!!
It's got to be everyday, but who knows.
I think I'm finally done running away from stuff and I am ready to get down to business. It's a really hard and scary thing knowing that you can run away as much as you want, but the real world is still out there waiting for you. The real world hasn't paused, so when you get back, it's going to be harder to deal with. you guys will probably read a lot more self deprecating posts before it gets better because I know exactly what I'm going to have to be facing when I get back.
!. Crazy mother
@. ridiculously unfruitful job market
#. living at home with the parents
$. bills that I CAN'T pay
%. The inability to go out and have fun with friends
^. Knowing that everyone I know is doing better than I am
&. The possibility that I might suck at writing and no one will publish me
*. Knowing that I'll probably never date again
(. I probably won't find a job before my 26th bday
). I'll be too stressed out to effectively continue losing weight
So much to worry about, which means I have to push it harder than I've ever done before.
This sucks!!!
Friday, April 23, 2010
Life's weird surprises
I'm going to be random today and if you have an issue with that then forget you.
I saw Kick Ass the other day and it was friggin awesome. Kids cursing in front of their parents. Little girls that kill. Nicholas Cage doing the Adam West voice. Hottie teen in a green super hero suit. Nerds get the girl. Oh I love it, I love it. I was sad to find out this morning that Aaron Johnson, the guy who plays Dave/Kick Ass, is 19 years old, engaged to a 40 something year old woman and going to be a dad soon. What kind of hot ghetto mess is that? The kid's British and I know that they do things a bit differently but, SERIOUSLY? I want to know what was going on in that woman's mind when she said "Yeah, I pull some Mary Kay Laturneau shit and marry this 19 year old BOY". Dude's voice was cracking in the movie; she must have found that to be a turn on. I know that "age ain't nothin' but a number", but DAMN! Let the boys balls drop before you turn him into a daddy.
I'm in silver Spring, Maryland right now. It's kinda hot right now but that's ok because it is a lovely day. I'm spending time with my sister even though it feels more like house-sitting. I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive. I'm just sitting here, watching television and trying to fit a good work out in here and there.
I finished reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson last night and that book was a breath of fresh air. I was able to relate to a couple of the characters, mostly both Will Graysons. Even though they were distinctly different, they had so much in common and they had the same lesson to learn. They both learned how to love and appreciate the people in their lives. It's both strange and wonderful how the ones that they learn to love and appreciate happen to be the same person. A young man named Tiny Cooper who is large, strong and fabulously gay. Tiny teaches the Will from the odd chapters how to care and speak up. Tiny teaches Will from the even chapters that life is worth living and it's ok to feel things. I think that everyone needs a Tiny Cooper in their lives to make it fun, interesting and fabulous. If you haven't gotten the book yet, get it NOW!! It's co-written by John Green (NY times best-selling author and Printz Award winner) and David Levithan (co-author of Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist).
This weeks episode of GLee was awesome. I loved every second of it. It was the Madonna episode and it could not have been done any better. The "Open your heart to me" duet between Rachel and Finn was very sweet. The girls' rendition of "Express yourself" was sexy and well costumed. Sue Sylvester's "Vogue" was funny, sexy and very accurate. The Cheerleaders doing "4 minutes" was fun and awesomely choreographed. The boys doing "Do you know what it feels like for a girl" (not sure on the actual title of the song) was very sweet and sincere. The SEX-tet doing "Like a virgin" was really cool (I really wanted Emma and Will to go for it). I'm glad that Rachel didn't and SHAME ON FINN!!! It was really cute how the girls were all wearing the same color and the style matched their level of "sexpertise". The "Like a Prayer" finale was really great and uplifting. I enjoy this show (as a whole) very much and I hope that it stays on for a very long time.
I watched Fringe last night and Peter finally found out that he is from the "other side". Poor Walter!!! I feel for him because he just wanted to save his son's life and have him back. Hopefully he will get the chance to explain that to Peter and there will be some forgiveness. He DID save his life after all. I just want Olivia and Peter to finally hook up. There is so much going on between them and it is obvious that they want to, so fingers crossed.
I saw Kick Ass the other day and it was friggin awesome. Kids cursing in front of their parents. Little girls that kill. Nicholas Cage doing the Adam West voice. Hottie teen in a green super hero suit. Nerds get the girl. Oh I love it, I love it. I was sad to find out this morning that Aaron Johnson, the guy who plays Dave/Kick Ass, is 19 years old, engaged to a 40 something year old woman and going to be a dad soon. What kind of hot ghetto mess is that? The kid's British and I know that they do things a bit differently but, SERIOUSLY? I want to know what was going on in that woman's mind when she said "Yeah, I pull some Mary Kay Laturneau shit and marry this 19 year old BOY". Dude's voice was cracking in the movie; she must have found that to be a turn on. I know that "age ain't nothin' but a number", but DAMN! Let the boys balls drop before you turn him into a daddy.
I'm in silver Spring, Maryland right now. It's kinda hot right now but that's ok because it is a lovely day. I'm spending time with my sister even though it feels more like house-sitting. I don't feel like I'm doing anything productive. I'm just sitting here, watching television and trying to fit a good work out in here and there.
I finished reading Will Grayson, Will Grayson last night and that book was a breath of fresh air. I was able to relate to a couple of the characters, mostly both Will Graysons. Even though they were distinctly different, they had so much in common and they had the same lesson to learn. They both learned how to love and appreciate the people in their lives. It's both strange and wonderful how the ones that they learn to love and appreciate happen to be the same person. A young man named Tiny Cooper who is large, strong and fabulously gay. Tiny teaches the Will from the odd chapters how to care and speak up. Tiny teaches Will from the even chapters that life is worth living and it's ok to feel things. I think that everyone needs a Tiny Cooper in their lives to make it fun, interesting and fabulous. If you haven't gotten the book yet, get it NOW!! It's co-written by John Green (NY times best-selling author and Printz Award winner) and David Levithan (co-author of Nick and Nora's Infinite Playlist).
This weeks episode of GLee was awesome. I loved every second of it. It was the Madonna episode and it could not have been done any better. The "Open your heart to me" duet between Rachel and Finn was very sweet. The girls' rendition of "Express yourself" was sexy and well costumed. Sue Sylvester's "Vogue" was funny, sexy and very accurate. The Cheerleaders doing "4 minutes" was fun and awesomely choreographed. The boys doing "Do you know what it feels like for a girl" (not sure on the actual title of the song) was very sweet and sincere. The SEX-tet doing "Like a virgin" was really cool (I really wanted Emma and Will to go for it). I'm glad that Rachel didn't and SHAME ON FINN!!! It was really cute how the girls were all wearing the same color and the style matched their level of "sexpertise". The "Like a Prayer" finale was really great and uplifting. I enjoy this show (as a whole) very much and I hope that it stays on for a very long time.
I watched Fringe last night and Peter finally found out that he is from the "other side". Poor Walter!!! I feel for him because he just wanted to save his son's life and have him back. Hopefully he will get the chance to explain that to Peter and there will be some forgiveness. He DID save his life after all. I just want Olivia and Peter to finally hook up. There is so much going on between them and it is obvious that they want to, so fingers crossed.
Friday, April 16, 2010
Frustration
I am so upset right now that I can't eat. My hands are shaking and my body aches. I don't want to move for fear of hurting someone. I'm sure that you can guess who the villain of my day is. My day started off bad because of this person. Then I had a very good afternoon. Now my evening is ruined because of this person.
I can not wait for tomorrow to come. I'll be in Maryland with my sister and I might have an adventure. Who knows what's in store for me there, but I know that I can't be in New Jersey with my parents anymore. I could at least go back to Easton and get some stupid receptionist job in some stupid office and continue making $8/hr like before.
I am just so tired. Drained like the people in last night's episode of Fringe.
I can not wait for tomorrow to come. I'll be in Maryland with my sister and I might have an adventure. Who knows what's in store for me there, but I know that I can't be in New Jersey with my parents anymore. I could at least go back to Easton and get some stupid receptionist job in some stupid office and continue making $8/hr like before.
I am just so tired. Drained like the people in last night's episode of Fringe.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
Escape
I'm going to Silver Spring, Maryland on Saturday to visit my sister. I really need to get out of this house!!! My funds are running ridiculously low and I'm really trying to fix that situation even though my heart isn't in it. When I'm under the same roof with my parents, I don't feel like the 25 year old that I am. I feel like a 12 year old. I feel like I had more freedom when I was in boarding school. I wasn't exactly on my own, but I was able to think independently and creatively.
Now that I'm not working, I'm trying harder that ever to think independently and creatively, but I don't have the safety that I once had with high school and college. So now I am scared out of my mind. Right now, my excuse is that my mother is home because of her surgery and she needed me to help her around the house. She goes back to work on Monday so what will my excuse be then?
Well I'm going to be visiting my sister next week and that can help me with my procrastination a little bit longer, but bills and worn out clothes are weighing on me and sooner or later, I am going to have to face them.
Adulthood- My biggest fear
I'm still in the transition period where I'm trying to "find myself" but I have to be mature about it. Almost everyone I know is either engaged, married or married with children. I know that I'm not ready for that so I'm not jealous of those specific things. The thing that I am jealous and worried about is that everyone I know is getting on with their lives, and I feel stuck in one place just observing.
Well. Don't complain about it; do something!
I know, but that is easier said than done. I hope my sister can shake some sense into me because I am starting to feel hopeless.
You might have noticed that my last couple of posts have been Amazon-centric and that is because I am hoping that it might provide me with some funds. I don't exactly have much of an audience, so who knows if it will do any good anyway.
If you saw the 7x9 room with a water damaged wall that I have to sleep in, you would understand why I am so low.
Now that I'm not working, I'm trying harder that ever to think independently and creatively, but I don't have the safety that I once had with high school and college. So now I am scared out of my mind. Right now, my excuse is that my mother is home because of her surgery and she needed me to help her around the house. She goes back to work on Monday so what will my excuse be then?
Well I'm going to be visiting my sister next week and that can help me with my procrastination a little bit longer, but bills and worn out clothes are weighing on me and sooner or later, I am going to have to face them.
Adulthood- My biggest fear
I'm still in the transition period where I'm trying to "find myself" but I have to be mature about it. Almost everyone I know is either engaged, married or married with children. I know that I'm not ready for that so I'm not jealous of those specific things. The thing that I am jealous and worried about is that everyone I know is getting on with their lives, and I feel stuck in one place just observing.
Well. Don't complain about it; do something!
I know, but that is easier said than done. I hope my sister can shake some sense into me because I am starting to feel hopeless.
You might have noticed that my last couple of posts have been Amazon-centric and that is because I am hoping that it might provide me with some funds. I don't exactly have much of an audience, so who knows if it will do any good anyway.
If you saw the 7x9 room with a water damaged wall that I have to sleep in, you would understand why I am so low.
Wednesday, April 14, 2010
GLee
So I watched GLee last night and I was just so amazed by it. I watched it with my mom and she didn't get it at all. The lovely Idina Menzel was on as the evil "coach" of the opposing group "Vocal Adrenaline". Seeing Idina and Lea on the same screen together was crazy because they look so much alike. I was in awe of the both of them. The cuteness that Will and Emma was awesome and it mirrors that of Rachel and Finn. Both couples have the same exact drama. They finally found their romantic counterparts and yet there is still something keeping apart. Oh well. I loved last night's episode. There was a bit of overacting on everyone's part, but that is what makes the show. Why does Mercedes, the token black girl, always have to be little miss sassy pants?
Sue's "Vogue" video was the most awesome and hilarious thing I've seen on television. I loved every second of it. Congrats to actress Jane Lynch for pulling that off and actually looking sexy and workin' it. Can't wait for next week's episode. Now I have to wait for tonight's finale of Ugly Betty. *sigh*
Sunday, April 11, 2010
Gary Go- Wonderful
I wanted to give a shout out to this song and the band Gary Go because they are "Wonderful" lol. I like this son so much, I decided to sing it a capella but I'm afraid it doesn't do them justice. You might just want to buy their single.
and this is what it is supposed to sound like.
Saturday, April 10, 2010
A shout out to John and David
This is a book by a "friend" named John Green and his friend David Lavithan. I've read almost all of John's books and I have been amazed every time. I know that this one will not disappoint. Pick it up today or order it here on Amazon.com.
Here is a video of John reading a small part of the book. See if you like it.
Friday, April 02, 2010
Be Brave, Rey! Be Brave!
These are my musical inspirations. Yes, I can sing them and sing them well!! Enjoy
Yuppers!
Yuppers!
Patterns
This quotation has been following me all week: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results."
I pride myself on being an intelligent woman, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am a fool! I don't want to offend anyone so I am not going to go into specifics, but I am getting sick of being stuck in friend mode. I think it's stamped on my forehead, "befriend me and find the love of your life." I feel like Good Luck Chuck where the girls were lining up to sleep with this guy because they believed that it would help them find their future husband.
A gray cloud is hovering above me right now and I don't like it.
I just need to pluck up some courage and set my new plan in to motion. Hopefully, the stars will align and work some special mojo just for me. I have a voice and I'm going to use it somehow.
I pride myself on being an intelligent woman, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am a fool! I don't want to offend anyone so I am not going to go into specifics, but I am getting sick of being stuck in friend mode. I think it's stamped on my forehead, "befriend me and find the love of your life." I feel like Good Luck Chuck where the girls were lining up to sleep with this guy because they believed that it would help them find their future husband.
A gray cloud is hovering above me right now and I don't like it.
I just need to pluck up some courage and set my new plan in to motion. Hopefully, the stars will align and work some special mojo just for me. I have a voice and I'm going to use it somehow.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Job hunting
I'm a half asser. I know what I need to do, but I don't put too much effort into it because I feel like it will come to nothing. I've been jog hunting, but not to the level where I should be because I hate interviewing and being judged. I hat the idea that I am going to meet someone for the first time, that person looks at my resume then asks me some dumb ass questions and decides that I'm not good enough for a job that monkeys could do.
Yes, I'm insecure. Yes, I'm being stupid right now. I felt so much better when I was in school. I felt more secure on a campus filled with people my age who were going through the same stuff as I was. I enjoyed learning. I may have been an average student, I blame my laziness on that, but at least I was doing something productive. I was getting an education.
I should have been like my sister and gone above and beyond with my education. I don't have as much passion in certain things as she does and I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I shouldn't, but I do. She was the scientist, I was the English Major. I wish I had a passion for more practical things like science or math, but I don't. I love math, I did well in math and I find it a bit relaxing, but when I close my eyes and see myself, I'm not wearing a lab coat. I'm not sitting at a desk answering other people's phone calls. I'm standing in front of people, entertaining them in some way. People are reading my books, listening to my songs and buying my artwork. The Universe did not give me this my voice or my mind to keep it hidden just for me. When I sing, I do it so people can hear me.
Why can't I just go with my instinct? My brain is telling me to shape up and get the job. Get out of the house and work in some office. My heart is telling me that I won't be happy unless I'm doing what I love. I love to be artistic. I love to be creative. If Harold Camping is right, the world is ending next year which means I need to get cracking NOW!!!
Please don't think I'm weird, or do. Whatever. I'm just trying to find my niche in this effed up world. I know I'm not going to be on this planet forever and I can't predict when I'm going to go, so why not live like I'm dying?
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Believing
We are dreamers. We wish on shooting stars and stay up until 11:11 pm to wish on our clocks. We all have things that we want but are too afraid to go for. Either we cannot afford what we want or we don't feel worthy of what we want. All-in-all, something is stopping us from going after the things that we want the most.
Whether it is a job or a car, a new opportunity or a new relationship, you can wish for it all you want, but you won't get it until you convince yourself that you, in fact, deserve it. As corny as this may sound, you have to believe that what you want most is already yours. Think of it like this, you are shopping online for a book that you really want. You put it in your cart and you go to checkout. You put in your credit card info and your shipping/billing address. You have purchased the book. That book is yours. It isn't physically in your hands yet, but that book is legitimately yours. When you finally receive that book, you are happy, but you aren't surprised or anything. Why are you not surprised? Because you already knew and believed that it was coming. In your head, that book was already yours 5-7 days ago.
The day you realized what you wanted was the day you ordered it. Believe that is is coming to you. Believe that it is already yours. Because it is.
Whether it is a job or a car, a new opportunity or a new relationship, you can wish for it all you want, but you won't get it until you convince yourself that you, in fact, deserve it. As corny as this may sound, you have to believe that what you want most is already yours. Think of it like this, you are shopping online for a book that you really want. You put it in your cart and you go to checkout. You put in your credit card info and your shipping/billing address. You have purchased the book. That book is yours. It isn't physically in your hands yet, but that book is legitimately yours. When you finally receive that book, you are happy, but you aren't surprised or anything. Why are you not surprised? Because you already knew and believed that it was coming. In your head, that book was already yours 5-7 days ago.
The day you realized what you wanted was the day you ordered it. Believe that is is coming to you. Believe that it is already yours. Because it is.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
It feels good to finish
I actually finished a story a couple of days ago. I was so proud of myself.
It's a very short story, about 5 pages long. It's about a young bitter woman who stumbles upon a wedding, makes a strange friend (the bride) and makes an interesting discovery involving her ex beau.
I came up with this story about a year ago when I asked myself, "How would I act if I crashed a wedding and found out that the groom was my ex?" Would I be devastated, shocked beyond belief, or happy for him?
My answer may not seem realistic, but it felt honest to me. They say that when you write, you should write what you know. The only thing I know is myself so I figured I would let the story flow naturally, as if I were living the life of my heroine.
My heroine Robin, like I, wants to be in love, but has been hurt badly by a certain gender. She, and I, has turned brokenhearted-ness into bitterness and in turn has "sworn to loathe men for all eternity" (tell me what film adaptation that quotation that was from and you get a smiley face and a shout out).
I don't want to give too much away because I really want to develop this story into something worth publishing. I also have another project that needs to be finished. That one is a little darker and crazier. I'm really looking forward to finishing that one. Hopefully that story will see an end by this weekend.
I've been looking up some literary magazines, both print and online. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm starting to get excited about stuff again because the weather isn't so gloomy anymore and my mom is a little more mobile now.
I'm in the mood to write an essay. A well researched, well thought out essay. Got any topics for me?
It's a very short story, about 5 pages long. It's about a young bitter woman who stumbles upon a wedding, makes a strange friend (the bride) and makes an interesting discovery involving her ex beau.
I came up with this story about a year ago when I asked myself, "How would I act if I crashed a wedding and found out that the groom was my ex?" Would I be devastated, shocked beyond belief, or happy for him?
My answer may not seem realistic, but it felt honest to me. They say that when you write, you should write what you know. The only thing I know is myself so I figured I would let the story flow naturally, as if I were living the life of my heroine.
My heroine Robin, like I, wants to be in love, but has been hurt badly by a certain gender. She, and I, has turned brokenhearted-ness into bitterness and in turn has "sworn to loathe men for all eternity" (tell me what film adaptation that quotation that was from and you get a smiley face and a shout out).
I don't want to give too much away because I really want to develop this story into something worth publishing. I also have another project that needs to be finished. That one is a little darker and crazier. I'm really looking forward to finishing that one. Hopefully that story will see an end by this weekend.
I've been looking up some literary magazines, both print and online. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm starting to get excited about stuff again because the weather isn't so gloomy anymore and my mom is a little more mobile now.
I'm in the mood to write an essay. A well researched, well thought out essay. Got any topics for me?
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
Yes Ma'am. No Ma'am
Right now I feel like I am in the servant's quarters of the house although I am a few feet away from my cousin and his new wife. I'm not entirely sure how old they are (not older than 35) but the wife insists on calling me Honey like I'm 12. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because she's just met me and she doesn't know yet. She seems very fashionable, nice and educated so I don't want to dislike her, especially since she is family now, but I have a feeling that if I met her on different terms, I probably would not like her. That's only because I'm not very nice to people I should be nice to.
I'm glad that my cousin has found himself a place in this country. He has a job, a wife and a home. He has definitely made something of himself. I remember when I first met him in Haiti 10 years ago. He looks a lot like my father, quite handsome, and he seemed very happy to have me as part of his family. I'm always happy to meet members of my family that I've never met before, but I don't like being treated like a child or being reminded of my life when I was a child.
My mother, in the presence of other Haitians, has a tendency to put me down. She loves to make my sister look like the awesome daughter who has the PhD and lives on her own. When she talks about me, on the other hand, I'm the daughter who "poco, fe demwazel". Apparently I'm not a presentable young woman yet. I'm sorry I'm not the kind of person who walks up and down the apartment looking for things to clean, meals to cook and people to serve.
According to my mother (I would add my father into these rantings but he is hardly ever around or involved to be relevant) I don't know how to speak Creole or French. Apparently I spoke Sign Language to my grandmother and my aunts when I visited them a few weeks ago.
I don't know why I always let this get to me, but I just hate the way that my mother makes people think of me. I don't enjoy having people say "keep your head up and stay focused. You'll get there." like I'm some charity case. I'm 25 years old. I may not have that awesome job yet, but I will.
All day today I've been the help. This morning I was the nanny to my brother. I made sure he was bathed, dressed and fed before school. I drove my mother to get her hair done and I waited there, annoyed, for 2 hours while she and her hairdresser yapped about the immorality of gay couples adopting children. (Apparently Christians would rather have children be orphaned by their straight parents than be saves, loved and taken care of by gay parents) By the time we got back home, my father was here and he brought some seafood (most of which I cannot eat because I am allergic) for his nephew that was scheduled to come at 3pm. After a few Regine, can you do this? Regine can you do that? I made some food for these cousins of mine. The food was cooked at 2:00, they didn't get here till 6.
I haven't heard the word please spoken sincerely since I've been here. I have, on the other hand, learned that I have two names. Regine for when I'm being scolded and Regina (emphasis on gi) for when she needs me to do something for her. Either way, I'm bummed.
I don't like how I'm constantly here complaining about stuff. I probably look like a pathetic ninny attached to my keyboard. I just don't have anything positive on which to report. I have hope.
I'm glad that my cousin has found himself a place in this country. He has a job, a wife and a home. He has definitely made something of himself. I remember when I first met him in Haiti 10 years ago. He looks a lot like my father, quite handsome, and he seemed very happy to have me as part of his family. I'm always happy to meet members of my family that I've never met before, but I don't like being treated like a child or being reminded of my life when I was a child.
My mother, in the presence of other Haitians, has a tendency to put me down. She loves to make my sister look like the awesome daughter who has the PhD and lives on her own. When she talks about me, on the other hand, I'm the daughter who "poco, fe demwazel". Apparently I'm not a presentable young woman yet. I'm sorry I'm not the kind of person who walks up and down the apartment looking for things to clean, meals to cook and people to serve.
According to my mother (I would add my father into these rantings but he is hardly ever around or involved to be relevant) I don't know how to speak Creole or French. Apparently I spoke Sign Language to my grandmother and my aunts when I visited them a few weeks ago.
I don't know why I always let this get to me, but I just hate the way that my mother makes people think of me. I don't enjoy having people say "keep your head up and stay focused. You'll get there." like I'm some charity case. I'm 25 years old. I may not have that awesome job yet, but I will.
All day today I've been the help. This morning I was the nanny to my brother. I made sure he was bathed, dressed and fed before school. I drove my mother to get her hair done and I waited there, annoyed, for 2 hours while she and her hairdresser yapped about the immorality of gay couples adopting children. (Apparently Christians would rather have children be orphaned by their straight parents than be saves, loved and taken care of by gay parents) By the time we got back home, my father was here and he brought some seafood (most of which I cannot eat because I am allergic) for his nephew that was scheduled to come at 3pm. After a few Regine, can you do this? Regine can you do that? I made some food for these cousins of mine. The food was cooked at 2:00, they didn't get here till 6.
I haven't heard the word please spoken sincerely since I've been here. I have, on the other hand, learned that I have two names. Regine for when I'm being scolded and Regina (emphasis on gi) for when she needs me to do something for her. Either way, I'm bummed.
I don't like how I'm constantly here complaining about stuff. I probably look like a pathetic ninny attached to my keyboard. I just don't have anything positive on which to report. I have hope.
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