I'm a half asser. I know what I need to do, but I don't put too much effort into it because I feel like it will come to nothing. I've been jog hunting, but not to the level where I should be because I hate interviewing and being judged. I hat the idea that I am going to meet someone for the first time, that person looks at my resume then asks me some dumb ass questions and decides that I'm not good enough for a job that monkeys could do.
Yes, I'm insecure. Yes, I'm being stupid right now. I felt so much better when I was in school. I felt more secure on a campus filled with people my age who were going through the same stuff as I was. I enjoyed learning. I may have been an average student, I blame my laziness on that, but at least I was doing something productive. I was getting an education.
I should have been like my sister and gone above and beyond with my education. I don't have as much passion in certain things as she does and I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I shouldn't, but I do. She was the scientist, I was the English Major. I wish I had a passion for more practical things like science or math, but I don't. I love math, I did well in math and I find it a bit relaxing, but when I close my eyes and see myself, I'm not wearing a lab coat. I'm not sitting at a desk answering other people's phone calls. I'm standing in front of people, entertaining them in some way. People are reading my books, listening to my songs and buying my artwork. The Universe did not give me this my voice or my mind to keep it hidden just for me. When I sing, I do it so people can hear me.
Why can't I just go with my instinct? My brain is telling me to shape up and get the job. Get out of the house and work in some office. My heart is telling me that I won't be happy unless I'm doing what I love. I love to be artistic. I love to be creative. If Harold Camping is right, the world is ending next year which means I need to get cracking NOW!!!
Please don't think I'm weird, or do. Whatever. I'm just trying to find my niche in this effed up world. I know I'm not going to be on this planet forever and I can't predict when I'm going to go, so why not live like I'm dying?