Tuesday, May 25, 2010

The ignored rantings of an unemployed nobody

I'm tired. I have no energy. Trying has become a chore; one that has become too difficult and too exhausting to attempt. Today, I've given up. I don't remember the things that I want in life. I don't remember what it feels like to have a passion for something. I've stopped being.

My understanding of the verb to be isn't just to live or to exist but to fulfill a purpose. To act out a deep passion. We all have wishes and dreams and there is a reason why we have them. We all have a mission and being helps us to fulfill that mission.

Right now, I feel like I haven't been assigned a mission and I am just waiting for one. A couple of hours ago, I was thinking about graduate school. I actually got excited about it for a moment. I was looking at a few schools and their requirements. As I was looking, my mentality went from "I can do it" to "I can't do this. They will never accept me".

I have sent out so many resumes and I haven't received one call from those places. At first I thought that maybe it was because the Universe had another plan for me and those mediocre jobs were irrelevant, but now I feel like I suck and they find me unworthy like most of the people who were once in my life and weaseled their way out.

I once thought that I was a humble person, but now I see that I lack the ability to say anything positive about myself. I hear negative things everyday and I believe them. This is why I make a lot of friends online. It's easy to fake self-esteem in words. They don't have to see my face.

This would be so much easier to deal with if I had a therapist. That way, I would at least have someone who would listen, but I don't have insurance and I turn 26 very soon so even if I had it under my parents, it would go away soon anyway. I can't talk to my parents or my sister because they aren't very good listeners and they like to say "should" a lot. I don't need someone to tell me what to do. I need someone who can help me figure things out.

Normally, I don't like asking for help because I am determined to do at least one thing for myself. Unfortunately, I have no follow-through. I have no guts, no drive, no passion. I can't remember the last time I was happy about something I did. I'm starving for any sort of positive attention that I could possibly get. I can't wait for this weekend because I am going to Montreal to visit family. I am sure that someone there will give me some positive energy so that I can come back to this house and start over.

I wish it was possible to sweat out all of the negative feelings that a person has about herself. I'd be a hundred pound lighter and a hundred pounds happier. When I sit and think for a long time. I strip away all of the things that piss me off. I think about the one thing in the world I could do for myself that would bring some happiness. Every time I do this, I come to the same conclusion. NO matter how much I like to write and create art, I know that deep down in my heart of hearts I want to sing. That is the ONLY thing that makes me feel better. I feel like that is the only thing that I can do right. I need to get back in to doing that again. Last month I posted a couple of videos of me singing on YouTube; I should keep doing that. I can at least get excited about something again.

I am seriously hoping that Harold Camping is right about next year because I am tired of this nonsense and I want it all to go away.

Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
Bad dreams bad dreams go away. Good dreams good dreams here to stay.
You have to say it three times for it to work.

No comments:

Locations of visitors to this page