Saturday, January 06, 2007

Whitney and Britney wrote the soundtrack to my life

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I would really like to be with someone. I don't want to be alone. It's a new year and I think I'm ready for something new and real. No more fantasies! I want to be able to dance with someone. What I had before, if it was anything at all, was just a dream. A nightmare, really. It messed me up really bad that now when I think about him, I get crazy.

The first time I officially met him, I thought that he was THE one for me. I thought about him all of the time and I thought that we would really be together. That night was the best night of my life; I didn't want it to end and neither did he. It was perfect. I was falling for him and I didn't know how to tell him and I didn't know if he felt the same way. I was floating on cloud nine for a couple of weeks thinking about this guy who liked me that much, but there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head who really wanted to know how he felt. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. He never did. Instead I didn't hear from him for a year and that whole year I was miserable. He wasn't in my life and I felt like nothing. As the year sped along, I grew more and more comfortable. It was his loss. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, it's alright. But then I was stupid and I found him again and put him back in my life. He captured my heart yet again, but this time he was busy loving someone else. I tried to be a friend but I realized that I didn't just want to be his friend. I also realized that he would rather be with this other girl than with me. Now, after much soul searching, I understood that I deserved better than that and I didn't need this kind of pain in my life. I promised myself that I would never hate him, but that I would never love him either. If I ever see him on the street I'll only be kind to him because that is the stronger thing to do. Now, all I can say is "whatever". I can't change the past, but I can use the present to better my future. Sure I get tempted every once-in-a-while to want to see him, but I control myself and tell myself that nothing good can come from it. And now, here I am typing on my laptop wondering if I'll get another chance to love.

I guess what I really want to know is whether or not I will ever get a chance to live my life the way that I want to. All my life, all I have ever wanted was to experience love, true love. I'm 22 years old and I haven't had that yet. Apparently not even a glimpse of it. I can finally let go of the strings that have guided me like a puppet all of these years. I'm grown up now and I need to start taking control of my life, even if i don't know where I'm going .

Now when it comes to love, I don't know if I'll find it soon or ever. I want to have the real thing. If it's an online thing or a face to face thing, who knows, but anything is better than some average Joe

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