I am currently reading A Room of One's Own by Virginia Woolf and it is making me think about how I am functioning as a woman. Women in history have struggled to make a name for themselves and to make this world a place where women are seen as vital members of society. If Harriet Tubman, Jane Austen, Virginia Woolf and Rosa Parks saw me today, they would be so disappointed. I have the world at my finger tips. I literally CAN have have everything that I want and it is because of them that I have that. I am a free Haitian-American woman LIVING in the 21st century. I speak 3 languages well and I am learning a 4th. I have a WICKED AWESOME singing voice. I'm educated, strong and super funny so what is keeping me from realizing my dreams and the hopes of my female predecessors?
When we were little girls, we read or heard stories that started with "Once upon a time" and ended with "...and they lived happily ever after". Many of these stories involve a young girl (most likely a princess) who is unhappy with her circumstances. She suffers and suffers until finally, a miracle happens. She meets a young man (most likely a prince or a knight) and she is saved. It has been engraved in our heads since childhood that we basically have to wait to have the things that we want until after we find our guy. Who the heck made up that rule? *cough* men *cough*
I grew up thinking that everything would be fine as soon as I found my "true love". Pop culture made love look so beautiful. Everyday is a spring day when you are in love. The two of you will always walk hand in hand wherever you go. Every time you kiss, the two of you will start spinning around slowly and in the background, there will be a beautiful display of fireworks. That is what I wanted (still want). I wanted to experience that magic that happens when two people meet.
I met guys. I liked him but he didn't like me. He liked me but I didn't like him. We liked each other but we were too far apart. That is when I learned that I can't wait for just any guy, I have to wait for THE guy. THE ONE!! The magical one. I wanted my special ONE to be more than any old bloke so I made the list. Tall, dark hair, light eyes, educated, creative, loving, blah blah blah. I prayed on it; I meditated. I stood in front of a statue of St. Anthony and said "find this man, now". My prayers were answered. St. Anthony delivered a beautiful young man who was practically perfect. He smelled good, he dressed nicely, he had a masters degree. We liked the same things and his eyes were the most beautiful honey colored with bits of green. We held hands everywhere we went and everyday was Spring. Then one night, I did the most horrific thing a girl in my position could do. I got down on my knees and prayed. "If this guy isn't the one, take him out of my life." Two weeks later, he was out of my life.
As happy as I was with this guy, I was so obsessed with having the ONE that I completely deprived myself of having good experiences with this guy. This happened 2 years ago and I still think about what an idiot I was (am).
For the last 2 years I've been wanting to get back out there and try again, but I've been scared that I would never find a guy as great as he was. No one seemed good enough or accessible enough. I stopped trying. Now, everyone I know is getting married, having children and moving on to great careers. Stupid me is thinking, "If you didn't let him go, you would be happy too." New and improved light shining me is thinking, "Be happy for those people and be the radiant woman that you know you are." The here and now me doesn't know what to think.
I still want my happily ever after because I deserve it; I just have to do a little more than wishing and praying. I have to go out there and be Radiant Regine.
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