I may have mentioned this before, but recent events have brought this back to the surface. I am absolutely terrified of being an adult and doing adult things like maintaining a marriage and raising children. I know I'm supposed to be fruitful and multiply and all that nonsense. I'm 26 years old and time is ticking. A couple of weeks ago, I visited two very good friends of mine from high school, one is married and pregnant and the other is engaged to be married. Sometimes I think about how it would be to be in their shoes but then I get this feeling in my stomach that makes me think, "Oh God, NO!! I'm not ready! I don't wanna!"
It really annoys me when poeple tell me that they always thought that I would be the first to get married. Then they ask me why I am still single. I know why I'm still single. I'm still single because I made it so.
Here are the ways that I have sabotaged myself and kept myself single:
Appearance/Weight: My warped brain believes that if I were to get thinner, I would be able to attract guys. I exercise enough to stay healthy but not enough to be thin, which results in my "keeping the guys away". I hate wearing makeup and I am convinced that I am too tall to wear heals. I prefer to dress comfortably. I know that men fall in "love" with the way their manhoods respond to the message their eyes send to their brains and something in me won't let me be a part of that.
Crushes: I develop crushes on guys that I know are waaaaayyyyyy out of my league so I know for a fact that I won't have to deal with the possibility of marriage. Plus, my standards are extremely high--the guy that fits all of my criteria does not exist.
Dwelling: I live with my parents. It helps me save money, but it also prevents me from having a romantic relationship.
Friends: I make friends with girls who look a billion times better than I do so I will always be the wing girl and never the target.
Social Life: I don't go anywhere and when I do, I make sure that I either don't have fun or make myself totally unapproachable.
Observations: I have yet to see a happy married couple (that have been married for a significant amount of time).
Does anyone know how to cure me of this?
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