Holidays, Hopes and Happiness

Well, the year is almost over and I am looking forward to the new one. I think that I am ready for some new things to come my way. Well, not just new, but good. I am ready to have some happy times again. 2009 was an awful year for me and I would very much like to get away from it as soon as possible.

I have to admit that there were a few good things that happened this year like getting the pool, having the 4th of July party with the family and making a new friend who seems to be a genuinely nice person and just recently gave me a book that I am adoring. (Thank you Shaun!!)

I'm still working on my secret project and I am taking that with me into 2010. I'm not going to talk about it here because I don't want to have to do any explaining. If you read my last post, you would understand why.

I had a long talk with one my friends last night about my current living situation (work, friends, family etc.) and even though she is significantly younger than I am, I have learned that wisdom comes in any form. She has shown me how to see certain things in a different way. She made me realize that my parents are lucky to have me even though they don't act like it. I've realized that what I've been doing consisted of listening to the bad comments, believing them and letting them keep me down to serve the purpose of the people who made the negative comments.

Never again!

I now understand that they are just afraid of my impending success and they would rather keep me with them by belittling me instead of supporting me and letting me soar. (It's sad to know that a lot of this is coming from the family. They like to feel powerful, I guess.)

Anyway, the fam came over late last night and they opened the gifts that I got them. I got my mother two blouses. I got my father and my brother sweaters that zip from the chest up. I got my sister a long and stretchy scarf and an iTunes gift card. All of the gifts that I got were from my students. I received Dunkin' Donuts girt cards from 2 parents, a bag of makeup from another parent who works with L'oreal (I think I spelled that right, I'm not much of a makeup wearing person.) and another parent got me some lotion and shower gel (can't get enough of that). I felt blessed because some of the kids were no longer in my classroom, but I guess since they were in my care at some point this year, they thought that it would be nice to get me something. too bad for them, I am going to be leaving that place very soon. (insert maniacal laugh here)

These are the things that I want for myself in the new year:
New job
New York
New love
New wardrobe
New friends
New happy life.

Now I have to make plans for New Year's Eve.

Thanksgiving

In Newark for Thanksgiving and I am ready to go back to Easton. I realized that I am a horrible person because my uncle is just trying to bond with me and practice his English and all I want to do is be mean to him. He makes no sense when he talks, and the English major in me just wants to... well... you know.

My mother has been hassling me about my current work situation. She thinks she is helping me, but she is just irritating me. She knows how to make a child feel unloved.


Anyway, I still have one more day left in my long weekend before I have to deal with work and I have decided to make a secret project for only me to know about. I read in Cosmo that it is better to keep goals to one's self rather than tell every one about it. A person would think that it would be better to tell people so that the fear of disappointing people would motivate him or her to follow through, but according to Cosmo, it isn't. In the article, it said that people get satisfied and feel accomplished just by having the plan and telling people about it and that feeling is enough for them.

I guess it works just like wishes. If you tell someone your wish, it won't come true. According to the article, the people who keeps their plans to themselves are more successful because it is exciting to have this secret, follow through with it and then surprise people with the news once the goal is reached.

Some of the things that I've kept to myself have worked out much better than the things that I've shared with others. There is that extra weight on your shoulders when people expect things from you. In the article, it said that people like to give unsolicited advice and make themselves part of your goals. They can either have a genuine interest in helping you achieve your goal or they want to get some of the credit for your achievement. (People can be arses like that)

Alrighty then, off to planning!!

Ciao!

Bows head in shame

Conscience: Regine, where have you been?
Me: What? Oh, um, in bed sleeping?
Conscience: Is that a question?
Me: No, I've been catching up on my sleep. I'm just so tired. I-
Conscience: Oh, you're tired, hunh? You're TIRED? You know what's tired? Those sorry excuses of yours.
Me: Conscience? (sounding defensive) That was way harsh. (sounding like Cher in "Clueless")
Conscience: Whatever! Get your shit together.
Me: (bows head in shame)

Still missing one

There is supposed to be one more blog for September. Since it is just the first day in October, I figure that it is alright, especially since it is my event. I didn't really have much to talk about but I wanted to make it know that I had an interesting experience doing this. It would have been cooler if I had gotten more feedback on stuff, but I guess I talked a little more about personal things than just random topics.

Anyway, it was fun and now I'm glad that I don't have to come home and write.

Glee/ Book/ Chilly/ Job search

I am watching Glee on fox right now and once again, it is knocking my metaphorical socks off. Kristin Chenoweth is on it and I love and adore her. I don't like that they have her playing a drunken whore who is reliving her high school day, but she plays it so well. That Rachel girl needs to slow her roll and respect her elders. you don't catch and attitude with the Cheno. (oh man, she just sang again with the hottie teacher guy)

A few weeks ago, we were doing art projects with the kids at work and I looked at one of the kids' hands to make sure all of the paint was off and I thought of a story called "Holly's Hands". I finished writing it over the weekend and if I have my way, it will be a pop-up book. So Holly is going through her day doing stuff that normal 5 year olds do, emphasis on things that she does with her hands. It's not very long, but it's cute and it's written so there we go.

I'm the kind of girl who runs a little hot so I am really appreciating the weather getting chillier. I don't want it to get super cold like I know that it will be soon, but it feels really good right now. I like sleeping with my comforter rather than with a thin sheet cause it makes me feel like I'm snuggling next to someone, ha!

So I re-registered for Monster.com with my new email and I posted my resume, so hopefully things will look up job- wise and I'll be happy again. Like they said "sister are doing it for themselves" and I am about to do it for myself. I am going to get mine. I can not be 25 years old and feel like I'm 60. My twenties are supposed to be happy, not crappy.

Ok, t'is all

Breathe In , Breathe Out

Today... was a day. Today was an interesting day. Today is a day that I would not like to repeat. I still have chills just thinking about what happened today.

I pretty much let my boss know that she shouldn't expect me to stay much longer. That's bad, right?

I don't feel right writing about this, but I will rip it off like a band aid.

I asked my boss why I hadn't had my 2 year evaluation yet and she looked at my like I was crazy. She avoided me for about an hour after that and then we had a talk in her office. Apparently I (1) should have told her sooner about my 2 years being up, (2) have been giving her an attitude lately and (3) I'm not working hard enough in the morning.
Well in my defense, I don't feel right going up to my boss and asking her for my raise just like that. I find it rude and annoying. my attitude is completely justified because I've been working there for 2 years and I never talk or ask for anything. I do everything that is asked of me and I don't go complaining every second when I'm not happy about something. As for that nonsense about not doing more in the early morning, first off, it was just today, second, that parent who complained is a jack ass and third, who the hell hires an overweight 66 year old woman who gets sick all of the time to watch children?

If I were MG or RA, those things would be overlooked because they are the golden children. They can get away with murder. Tell me why I had to help out in MG's classroom when she had less than 20 kids and there were 4 teachers in there, mind you, ration is 1 teacher to 10 kids. Maybe it's because MG wants to roam around the facility doing whatever the f*** she wants with her a$$ crack sticking out of her pants. I hope her arse crack gave a good impression to the woman who came to evaluated the classroom today.

I "shocked" my boss when I asked her if someone was going to relieve me so that I could take my break when the evaluation lady was here. According to boss lady, I said it with a really bad attitude and I shouldn't have let eval. lady hear. I don't see how volume coincides with attitude, but whatever.

The thing that sucks donkey balls is that I feel bad that I might have hurt my boss's feelings. I feel bad that even though I am totally justified, I may have hurt someone's feelings. Now I am sitting at home with all of this rage + sadness + guilt + 25 years of being the little sister (I'm watching Fred Claus and it's really hitting home), and I have no one here to take my side and make me feel better.

Anyway, I told my boss that I am feeling pressure from my family and myself about doing something with myself and leaving my job. I know that I should not have said that to her, but I couldn't help myself. I felt like I was in a therapy session talking about my feelings and I teared up, a little. Even though I feel bad about this (which I really shouldn't) I know that this was a long time coming and I never should have taken that job in the first damn place.

At least I'm finally getting my f***ing raise.

Today

I thought that today was going to be a pin because I had to work alone in my class room, but luckily I only had 3 kids to look after and I rather enjoyed myself. I'm glad that I didn't have to deal with two specific children, but that is mainly because all they want to do is be sourpusses and cry all day. I don't need that.

Here is what I did at work today:
In at 6:15, did the bleach bottles and the paper towels and rugs
Opened at 6:30
Tidied up classroom and did the lesson plan for the week
My 3 kids came in and a I fed/changed diapers when necessary
9:00 went over the words of the week, counting, colors and sang songs
10:00 went out for a walk in the buggies around the facility and the kids touched and smelled the trees
10:30 Inside to tidy up the room and clean the toys while the kids were in the bouncers
11:00 lunch for the kids, set up for quiet time and change diapers
12:00 quiet time and my break time (which ends at 12:45)
2:00 Change diapers, set the room back for class time and hung out till 3 when I finally get to leave.

After work, I went to get my oil changed by a delicious man with an accent at Jiffy Lube and then i went to the mall to buy two books (Bran Hambric: The Farfield Cruse by Kaleb Nation and The Disreputable History of Frankie Landau Banks by E. Lockhart) a pair of skinny jeans (though I am far from skinny) a chain with a cross pendant (cause it was cute and it was $3) and some concentrated air freshener for my car and hand sanitizer from Bath and body works.

I don't know why I was in a spending mood, but I was. Sometimes i would rather have the stuff than the money because the money doesn't do me any good when it's just green paper in my wallet. I would rather have things that serve a purpose. What's the point of having the money if you won't do anything with it? (what happened to the days of "do you wanna trade your tuna for my pb&j" but that is a whol other topic.)

C and I were supposed to hang out today and have out Martini Monday, but (surprise, surprise) she flaked. Better for my anyway; I'd rather go to work with a clear head.

Weekend

Saturday night was rather regular. I spent the whole day waiting for the family to come.I think I told you all that I had to sing early that morning, so I was rather lazy for the rest of the day. The parents, my brother and my cousin came over around 7 or 8 (and I yelled to the cabby, yo homes smell ya later... haha) and we just hung around for a bit till bed time, though I stayed up pretty late. Sunday morning, we went to church and then we went to Kohl's to get some picture frames for my sister to give to her professors. While we were at Kohl's, I saw my favorite kid's dad (he works there). It was a little awkward, but it was nice to have someone in my work life know my family life. It's really weird because I talk about my family with my "friends" here and they have never met them. In the two years that I have lived here, my work people have never met my family.

I guess I should see it as more of a blessing.

So we got the picture frames, a pair of pants for Pat and a cute little bracelet for my sister. A few hours later, we drove down to Landsdale, PA to visit K (she flew in from San Fran to give a talk to the Merck people about her research). We had dinner somewhere nearby and we took pictures and we had a genuinely good time. She really liked the bracelet, unless she's taken some acting classes over in SF. I'm glad I got to see her, even though she practically called me a waste.

Yeah, I skipped a day

Who cares, I missed a day. It's not because I forgot, I was just way too tired to bother. I know that no one cares anyway since I've been mostly ranting about ridiculous things. My job is crazy and my social life is nonexistent so I have no outlet except for choir.

Choir is annoying and boring and I need a singing challenge or something. I hated that I had to wake up early this morning to go to church so that I could sing for the bishop. It would be really cool if it was me, by myself, but I just cantored. It was nice to have poeple come up to me and tell me that I did a great job, but I want people to cheer for me and scream my name and pay to see me. That would be awesome.

I keep gettig these weird bug bites on my hand and feet. They itch but they don't look like mosquito bites. It worries me a little. I noticed that the bites are on areas where there are no bones like the achilles area or in between my thumb and index fingers. I have been spending more time outside that I used to so that might be the thing and I've been wearing sandals and having my hands near the grass, so I am sure that is how I got them. I just think that it is interesting that they are positioned where they are.

I talked to my sister today and she pretty much told me that I was a waste of space and kept on talking like I wasn't supposed to have a reaction. As I said once before, when people say negative things about me, I tend to believe them because they are my family and they know me better than I know myself. So it hurts to hear that I am useless. It hurts. Thanks sis.

Proud

Pride is one of the seven deadly sins, but apparently it is a sin to have any sort of good regard for yourself or feel that you deserve a bit of extra pampering. (That is a completely other topic) These are the things of which I am proud.

I survived the Hill School and graduated
I got into and graduated from college
I have a really great singing voice
I make really cool collages
I'm really good at controlling my anger (really comes in handy at work)
I was captain of the Girls Track and Field team (the throwers)
Every other kid at the day care loves me
I speak 3 languages, technically
I'm pretty well read
I'm a good girl
I'm responsible


Not a very long list but it is growing gradually.

What are some the things that make you proud?

Stream of Consciousness

I don't have a damn thing to talk about. Right now I am eating my second bowl of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and watching Glee. This show is ridiculously hilarious. The girl who plays Rachel looks like Idina Menzel and the main actor is soooo cute. I wouldn't mind hanging out with him for a few hours.

I wish there was a community theater here that I could be a part of. There probably is, but I'm not exactly looking (I should be). I'm just getting sick of doing the same crap all of the time. (Oh my goodness, why were the football players doing the Beyonce Single ladies dance?)

My head hurts, that time is coming soon, boo! they are dancing on the field, HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!
That made my day
Aww, Beyonce helped them win the game
mybe my head is hurting because I need to go to the dentist. I haven't been to one in 4 years.
I need to get my car inspected before this month is over. And I need to get an oil change.
I was watching (ooh yay, Kristin Chenoweth is going to be on it, how funny is that since her and Idina Menzel are friends) that movie with Brenden Fraser "Center of the Earth" and I was thinking how cool that would be, minus the dinosaurs of course.

"It's ten pm, do you know where your children are?" HAHA, that cracks me up every time.

Ok, it's bed time.

UGH!!!

I miss my best friends, Charlie, Kim and Mollie. If I were normal, I would just contact them or go see them, but they are too far away for my comfort and I hate talking on the phone. (I left that out of yesterdays list, i think)

Work is frustrating and I have no one to vent to (that is why I write here). Since no one ready this anyway, I figure I could write the most embarrassing thing about me and no one will know.

I'm tired.

Not favorite

Here is a list of things that I REALLY do not like


Talking on the phone
People asking me for favors
People who make their significant others feel like they aren't good enough
Repetitiveness
Clusters of dots
Bossiness
Ignorance
Bad Grammar
Dudes that wear their pants under their arses
People who get mad when you say no
Skinny people who pick at their bellies saying that they are fat
Teachers who make you feel stupid
Hypocrites
My boss
Money
Politicians
Religious Zealots
Criminals
People on welfare that keep having babies
Lacking Insurance
Bills
Heat
Warmongers
Time

And on that note, I must go to bed. Good night

Favorites

Just a long list of things (people) that are my favorites

Man- JC Chasez
Food- Bacon
Color- Purple
Actress- Kate Winslet
Author-Jane Austen
Male Singer- Josh Groban
Play- Wicked (the musical)
Movie- The Holiday and Sense and Sensibility
Book Series turned Movie- Harry Potter
Young Adult Author- John Green and Maureen Johnson
Flower- Pink Gerbera Daisies
Drink- Gin and Tonic and Sour Apple Martini
Female singer- Whitney Houston and Celine Dion
Scent- Lavender
Places I've visited- London
Places I'd like to visit- Paris
Time I'd like to visit- Regency England
Ice Cream- Cookies and cream and Chocolate Chip cookie Dough
Junk Food- Utz Sour Cream and Onion Chips\
Fictional Couple- Lizzy Bennet and Fitzwilliam Darcy
Foreign film- Amelie
Memory- All the good ones with PGVB (makes me sad)
Sport- Soccer and Track and Field
Way to pamper myself- pedicures and a new book
Date I've been on- Olive Garden with the "orange" rose and tiramasu
Dessert- Millefeuille
Tv show- Charmed and Gilmore girls
Painter- Leonardo DaVinci
Modern Painter- Shano
Actor- Colin firth
Season- Spring
Super Hero- MMPR's Pink and White ranger
Emotion- School-girl giddy
State of being- Sleep

On that note, good night all.

Arranged Marriages

Last night, I had a dream that my parents wanted to arrange my marriage. They found me a guy whom they thought was perfect for me and I was supposed to marry. Apparently I was happy with their choice and I had a long and happy life with the man.

It got me thinking about marriage and why people look down on arranged ones. I used to think that love was a huge deal and I could never marry someone if I wasn't in love with him. Now, I think that respect, common interests and a general sense of compassion are all you need. Modern marriages are so unsuccessful and I don't want that in my future. I refuse to get divorced. Love is so fickle and it makes me sad to know that marriages have failed because the couple "fell out of love". That is just an excuse. They just don't want to be together anymore or they've met someone else that they believe might be better. If their marriage was based entirely on "love" and the love was suddenly not there anymore, then what do they have?
NOTHING!!!

Maybe arranged marriages aren't such a bad thing. Your parents watched you grow up, they know your general interests and the kind of people you like (if they are good parents) so maybe they would be good people to find you a mate. Actually, I don't know. I want to be able to find someone for myself but all of the ones that I pick have been crap or too far away and I refuse to believe that I am meant to be alone. I'm just so sick of wanting this so bad when there is a possibility that I won't get it at all.

Here is where I become 2 years old. I just want someone to hold my hand and kiss my boo boos and tell me that everything will be alright.

(No wonder the movies don't tell you what happens after the couple gets together)

A long day

It certainly has been a long and tiresome day. I almost passed out at work, today. When you combine heat, no air flow, hunger, florescent lighting and excessive movement, you get an effect that almost feels like a hang over.

I had to work with the younger toddlers for the third time this week and I was exhausted. Keeping in mind that I wake up at 5am, eat at 5:30am and then have my lunch at 12pm, one can imagine that by 10:30am I was starving and feeling lightheaded after having chased 13 children on the playground (in 60 something degree weather and entering into a classroom that was 80 something degrees). Drastic temperature changes are very bad to me. My head and my back were hurting like crazy. I felt like the air was stinging my skin.

Nothing helped. I had water, nope. A muffin, nope. A 45 minute nap during my lunch break, nope.

After work, I took another nap, which helped a little and then I did something rather dumb. I went to the movies to see Love Happens, which didn't really have a lot of love happening, and surprisingly enough, I feel better. I don't know how , but I do. So now, I'm just going to relax in my not very comfortable bed and see if I can have a good dream, unlike last night. Heidi, Spencer, Will Robinson and Damon from the Vampire Diaries were all trying to kill me. Crazy as hell, right? No wonder I was feeling like crap today.

A few quotations

I was digging for something to write about and I stumbled upon a few quotations that I collected (yeah, I collect quotations, business cards and movie ticket stubs).

This is a quotation that I really should keep to heart.
"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."- Elinor Roosevelt
If you read yesterday's blog, which was uber ridiculous, you would understand why that one is important to me.

This is a quotation that I feel should be the motto of current leaders but so totally isn't .
"The virtuous leader can pass among his subjects with the ease of the wind."- Confucious
I should let my boss know that one, maybe everyone would hate her less.

Here is some advice for the gentlemen on how to treat a lady.
"Woo her. Admire her. Make her feel like the most sublime creature on Earth." Gomez Addams (Addams Family values)
It's a given!!!

Finally, here is something that all of us who feel down in the dumps should think about.
"Insanity is being shit on, beat down, coasting through life on a miserable existence when you have a caged lion locked inside and the key to release it."-Morgan Freeman's character from "Wanted"
Even though he was the villain in the film, he has a point. Knowing that we have the power to do things, good things, and not doing anything about it is madness.

Well, I just wanted to share that with you. Have a good night.

Stressssssss

Is it bad that I am hoping the day care shuts down? Today was such a horrible day and I don't think I can repeat it without going crazy. I need to go back to school or something because I see no future for myself. I'm so busy thinking about other people and what they want that I don't have a real chance to think about myself and what I really want for myself. I've always done what was expected of me. My real problem is that I have no determination, no drive. I've lost my passion for life. I used to be this kid who smiled all of the time. I would strut around thinking I was so cute, thinking I was the shit and now, I don't go anywhere, I don't really hang out with anyone.

I'm probably turning you all off from me, but I have to be honest. You're probably thinking, "well if you think you suck so much, why should we read your blog and bother with anything you do?"
Because I need you to prove me wrong. I'm so used to boosting other people up and I'm stuck here on the bottom. That is how I feel at home, at work and with friends.

Ugh! I shouldn't be writing that. Completely disregard all of that nonsense up there. My life is great, there is nothing wrong with it. I can boost myself up, I can't rely on other people to do it for me. Ok, that's it, I gotta "do me"!

Wish me luck! (thanks for letting me rant, I'm sure it was annoying)

No Good Deed Goes Unpunnished

Why is it that whenever someone does something good, people think that there is a hidden agenda? People are sooooo not trusting.

I remember an episode of Friends where Phoebe tried to do a good and selfless deed and completely failed. Is it possible to do a good deed and not receive some sort of reward? Is it possible to do something good and remain neutral?

I don't think that it is possible because people like feeling appreciated and when you do something good, you are appreciated.




I just wanted an excuse to share my two favorite "Wicked" songs. Whenever I decide to quit my job, I'll leave singing "Defying Gravity".

Drunkenness

I needed this. I needed to get a little intoxicated tonight. Stress and craziness are invading my life right now, and even though I don't condone it, I think that I need to let loose, and have fun a little bit.

I am sure that in the morning I am going to be in pain and dreading having to go to work, but that is just something I am going to have to deal with. My friend C called me and asked me if I wanted to get wasted tonight and I was like, "what else am I going to do tonight?" so that is what I am doing. Pictures were taken, but they are too embarrassing for others to see. Ok, I'm not really drunk, I'm tipsy. I can say my alphabet backwards and I can walk in a straight line touching my nose.

Don't lose respect for me because I indulged a little. I never indulge. I am always the good girl. I'm the "as you wish" girl. I'm getting sick of it. I need to quit my job. I need to go to New York and get discovered or something. I'm sick of being mundane.