Frustration

I am so upset right now that I can't eat. My hands are shaking and my body aches. I don't want to move for fear of hurting someone. I'm sure that you can guess who the villain of my day is. My day started off bad because of this person. Then I had a very good afternoon. Now my evening is ruined because of this person.

I can not wait for tomorrow to come. I'll be in Maryland with my sister and I might have an adventure. Who knows what's in store for me there, but I know that I can't be in New Jersey with my parents anymore. I could at least go back to Easton and get some stupid receptionist job in some stupid office and continue making $8/hr like before.

I am just so tired. Drained like the people in last night's episode of Fringe.

Escape

I'm going to Silver Spring, Maryland on Saturday to visit my sister. I really need to get out of this house!!! My funds are running ridiculously low and I'm really trying to fix that situation even though my heart isn't in it. When I'm under the same roof with my parents, I don't feel like the 25 year old that I am. I feel like a 12 year old. I feel like I had more freedom when I was in boarding school. I wasn't exactly on my own, but I was able to think independently and creatively.

Now that I'm not working, I'm trying harder that ever to think independently and creatively, but I don't have the safety that I once had with high school and college. So now I am scared out of my mind. Right now, my excuse is that my mother is home because of her surgery and she needed me to help her around the house. She goes back to work on Monday so what will my excuse be then?

Well I'm going to be visiting my sister next week and that can help me with my procrastination a little bit longer, but bills and worn out clothes are weighing on me and sooner or later, I am going to have to face them.

Adulthood- My biggest fear

I'm still in the transition period where I'm trying to "find myself" but I have to be mature about it. Almost everyone I know is either engaged, married or married with children. I know that I'm not ready for that so I'm not jealous of those specific things. The thing that I am jealous and worried about is that everyone I know is getting on with their lives, and I feel stuck in one place just observing.

Well. Don't complain about it; do something!

I know, but that is easier said than done. I hope my sister can shake some sense into me because I am starting to feel hopeless.

You might have noticed that my last couple of posts have been Amazon-centric and that is because I am hoping that it might provide me with some funds. I don't exactly have much of an audience, so who knows if it will do any good anyway.

If you saw the 7x9 room with a water damaged wall that I have to sleep in, you would understand why I am so low.

GLee

So I watched GLee last night and I was just so amazed by it. I watched it with my mom and she didn't get it at all. The lovely Idina Menzel was on as the evil "coach" of the opposing group "Vocal Adrenaline". Seeing Idina and Lea on the same screen together was crazy because they look so much alike. I was in awe of the both of them. The cuteness that Will and Emma was awesome and it mirrors that of Rachel and Finn. Both couples have the same exact drama. They finally found their romantic counterparts and yet there is still something keeping apart. Oh well. I loved last night's episode. There was a bit of overacting on everyone's part, but that is what makes the show. Why does Mercedes, the token black girl, always have to be little miss sassy pants?

Sue's "Vogue" video was the most awesome and hilarious thing I've seen on television. I loved every second of it. Congrats to actress Jane Lynch for pulling that off and actually looking sexy and workin' it. Can't wait for next week's episode. Now I have to wait for tonight's finale of Ugly Betty. *sigh*

Gary Go- Wonderful

I wanted to give a shout out to this song and the band Gary Go because they are "Wonderful" lol. I like this son so much, I decided to sing it a capella but I'm afraid it doesn't do them justice. You might just want to buy their single.



and this is what it is supposed to sound like.

A shout out to John and David

This is a book by a "friend" named John Green and his friend David Lavithan. I've read almost all of John's books and I have been amazed every time. I know that this one will not disappoint. Pick it up today or order it here on Amazon.com.

Here is a video of John reading a small part of the book. See if you like it.

Be Brave, Rey! Be Brave!

These are my musical inspirations. Yes, I can sing them and sing them well!! Enjoy















Yuppers!

Patterns

This quotation has been following me all week: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again while expecting different results."

I pride myself on being an intelligent woman, but when it comes to matters of the heart, I am a fool! I don't want to offend anyone so I am not going to go into specifics, but I am getting sick of being stuck in friend mode. I think it's stamped on my forehead, "befriend me and find the love of your life." I feel like Good Luck Chuck where the girls were lining up to sleep with this guy because they believed that it would help them find their future husband.

A gray cloud is hovering above me right now and I don't like it.

I just need to pluck up some courage and set my new plan in to motion. Hopefully, the stars will align and work some special mojo just for me. I have a voice and I'm going to use it somehow.

Job hunting

I'm a half asser. I know what I need to do, but I don't put too much effort into it because I feel like it will come to nothing. I've been jog hunting, but not to the level where I should be because I hate interviewing and being judged. I hat the idea that I am going to meet someone for the first time, that person looks at my resume then asks me some dumb ass questions and decides that I'm not good enough for a job that monkeys could do.

Yes, I'm insecure. Yes, I'm being stupid right now. I felt so much better when I was in school. I felt more secure on a campus filled with people my age who were going through the same stuff as I was. I enjoyed learning. I may have been an average student, I blame my laziness on that, but at least I was doing something productive. I was getting an education.

I should have been like my sister and gone above and beyond with my education. I don't have as much passion in certain things as she does and I find myself constantly comparing myself to her. I shouldn't, but I do. She was the scientist, I was the English Major. I wish I had a passion for more practical things like science or math, but I don't. I love math, I did well in math and I find it a bit relaxing, but when I close my eyes and see myself, I'm not wearing a lab coat. I'm not sitting at a desk answering other people's phone calls. I'm standing in front of people, entertaining them in some way. People are reading my books, listening to my songs and buying my artwork. The Universe did not give me this my voice or my mind to keep it hidden just for me. When I sing, I do it so people can hear me.

Why can't I just go with my instinct? My brain is telling me to shape up and get the job. Get out of the house and work in some office. My heart is telling me that I won't be happy unless I'm doing what I love. I love to be artistic. I love to be creative. If Harold Camping is right, the world is ending next year which means I need to get cracking NOW!!!

Please don't think I'm weird, or do. Whatever. I'm just trying to find my niche in this effed up world. I know I'm not going to be on this planet forever and I can't predict when I'm going to go, so why not live like I'm dying?

Believing

We are dreamers. We wish on shooting stars and stay up until 11:11 pm to wish on our clocks. We all have things that we want but are too afraid to go for. Either we cannot afford what we want or we don't feel worthy of what we want. All-in-all, something is stopping us from going after the things that we want the most.
Whether it is a job or a car, a new opportunity or a new relationship, you can wish for it all you want, but you won't get it until you convince yourself that you, in fact, deserve it. As corny as this may sound, you have to believe that what you want most is already yours. Think of it like this, you are shopping online for a book that you really want. You put it in your cart and you go to checkout. You put in your credit card info and your shipping/billing address. You have purchased the book. That book is yours. It isn't physically in your hands yet, but that book is legitimately yours. When you finally receive that book, you are happy, but you aren't surprised or anything. Why are you not surprised? Because you already knew and believed that it was coming. In your head, that book was already yours 5-7 days ago.
The day you realized what you wanted was the day you ordered it. Believe that is is coming to you. Believe that it is already yours. Because it is.

It feels good to finish

I actually finished a story a couple of days ago. I was so proud of myself.

It's a very short story, about 5 pages long. It's about a young bitter woman who stumbles upon a wedding, makes a strange friend (the bride) and makes an interesting discovery involving her ex beau.

I came up with this story about a year ago when I asked myself, "How would I act if I crashed a wedding and found out that the groom was my ex?" Would I be devastated, shocked beyond belief, or happy for him?

My answer may not seem realistic, but it felt honest to me. They say that when you write, you should write what you know. The only thing I know is myself so I figured I would let the story flow naturally, as if I were living the life of my heroine.

My heroine Robin, like I, wants to be in love, but has been hurt badly by a certain gender. She, and I, has turned brokenhearted-ness into bitterness and in turn has "sworn to loathe men for all eternity" (tell me what film adaptation that quotation that was from and you get a smiley face and a shout out).

I don't want to give too much away because I really want to develop this story into something worth publishing. I also have another project that needs to be finished. That one is a little darker and crazier. I'm really looking forward to finishing that one. Hopefully that story will see an end by this weekend.

I've been looking up some literary magazines, both print and online. I'll let you know how that goes. I'm starting to get excited about stuff again because the weather isn't so gloomy anymore and my mom is a little more mobile now.

I'm in the mood to write an essay. A well researched, well thought out essay. Got any topics for me?

Yes Ma'am. No Ma'am

Right now I feel like I am in the servant's quarters of the house although I am a few feet away from my cousin and his new wife. I'm not entirely sure how old they are (not older than 35) but the wife insists on calling me Honey like I'm 12. I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt because she's just met me and she doesn't know yet. She seems very fashionable, nice and educated so I don't want to dislike her, especially since she is family now, but I have a feeling that if I met her on different terms, I probably would not like her. That's only because I'm not very nice to people I should be nice to.

I'm glad that my cousin has found himself a place in this country. He has a job, a wife and a home. He has definitely made something of himself. I remember when I first met him in Haiti 10 years ago. He looks a lot like my father, quite handsome, and he seemed very happy to have me as part of his family. I'm always happy to meet members of my family that I've never met before, but I don't like being treated like a child or being reminded of my life when I was a child.

My mother, in the presence of other Haitians, has a tendency to put me down. She loves to make my sister look like the awesome daughter who has the PhD and lives on her own. When she talks about me, on the other hand, I'm the daughter who "poco, fe demwazel". Apparently I'm not a presentable young woman yet. I'm sorry I'm not the kind of person who walks up and down the apartment looking for things to clean, meals to cook and people to serve.

According to my mother (I would add my father into these rantings but he is hardly ever around or involved to be relevant) I don't know how to speak Creole or French. Apparently I spoke Sign Language to my grandmother and my aunts when I visited them a few weeks ago.

I don't know why I always let this get to me, but I just hate the way that my mother makes people think of me. I don't enjoy having people say "keep your head up and stay focused. You'll get there." like I'm some charity case. I'm 25 years old. I may not have that awesome job yet, but I will.

All day today I've been the help. This morning I was the nanny to my brother. I made sure he was bathed, dressed and fed before school. I drove my mother to get her hair done and I waited there, annoyed, for 2 hours while she and her hairdresser yapped about the immorality of gay couples adopting children. (Apparently Christians would rather have children be orphaned by their straight parents than be saves, loved and taken care of by gay parents) By the time we got back home, my father was here and he brought some seafood (most of which I cannot eat because I am allergic) for his nephew that was scheduled to come at 3pm. After a few Regine, can you do this? Regine can you do that? I made some food for these cousins of mine. The food was cooked at 2:00, they didn't get here till 6.

I haven't heard the word please spoken sincerely since I've been here. I have, on the other hand, learned that I have two names. Regine for when I'm being scolded and Regina (emphasis on gi) for when she needs me to do something for her. Either way, I'm bummed.

I don't like how I'm constantly here complaining about stuff. I probably look like a pathetic ninny attached to my keyboard. I just don't have anything positive on which to report. I have hope.

All I have to say is...

...Thank goodness I live in modern society. As screwed up as it is now, it is loads better than 19th Century ridiculousness, especially when it comes to women. Thanks to the ABC daytime show, The View, and their topic on the history of the menstrual cycle, I was compelled to do a little more digging and here is what I found. Check this out:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Female_hysteria


Don't you wish all maladies could be cured with a good orgasm?

Something I've learned

My mother has been on crutches for the last week due to surgery on her feet. I, in turn, have become her "replacement". Not the sort of replacement that can do whatever she wants along with some of the responsibilities of being Mom 2.0, but the Nanny/Maid/Chauffeur/Chef that I know she has always wanted. I, of course, obliged her because she is my mother and "she gave me life and raised me and blah blah". Although I am not enjoying this, I am glad to say that I have learned two things so far.

The first thing I've learned is that I can be a very angry person with a bad attitude. Normally, I am a very nice person. Very sweet. My friends' parents always loved me. I'm very cordial and polite. I don't swear (in public) or put people down, but I've learned that after a while doubt, worry, sadness and overall bad feelings like to jump into a cauldron and boil into an Anger Bouillon. I know that it isn't good to keep my feelings inside, and I've heard that it is good to swear on occasion. Too bad little old me would rather be pleasant than honest. Unfortunately, my "attitude" likes to seep out at the most random times. The sister makes it a thing to let me know. She always seems to be around when it happens. Hmm, I wonder why?

Apparently what I do is either, roll my eyes and suck my teeth, raise my voice, or grunt a little and then say "Oh my Gooooooddddd". The sister would then say, "Regine (or Ninoy or Neener horrible, I know), you have such a bad attitude. You need to fix that." I would then look at her, scowl and walk away.

What triggers your anger?

Good question. Well, I don't like it when people tell me what to do like I'm stupid. I don't mind being instructed, in fact, I love to learn, but when someone talks to me like I'm 2 years old, my 25 year old brain says "Oh helllllllllllll no. I know you are not going to let THAT talk to you that way."
Another things that gets on my nerves is when someone puts their hands on me or touches me in some way. If you have no plans of courting me and becoming my suitor, don't touch me. For some reason, lately, being touched makes me feel belittled and powerless. Maybe a hug here or there, but that's pushing it a little.

Re, you have issues!

Tell me something I don't know!

The only thing that seems to be helping is some good belting music mostly found in the soundtrack of Wicked.


The other thing that I've learned is that people have children so that they can be taken care of when they are old. Parents put up with taking care of children so that there is a guarantee that someone will be there for them when they are old and frail. I'm bitter about this issue because my parents are cashing in big time.

When a child becomes independent and free-thinking, the parent says "I took care of you for such-and-such time and now you are acting like and ungrateful brat". My response to this is, "Did I ask you to do that?"

Re, you are an ungrateful brat!

I don't think so!

This is how I see it. A child is conceived due to vicious planning or irresponsibility and negligence. The child is finally born into a world that welcomes it with a slap on the behind, an amputation of the umbilical chord and another cutting for males. Then we are forced into incestuous acts by "receiving sustenance" from our mothers. What kind of world is this? Our parents HAVE to take care of us. Why? Because they have to apologize for the world that they brought us into. In their 18 years of apologizing, they have learned to twist it into a thing that we should be thankful for. After we are 18, we are sent off to fend for ourselves because they figured they did enough groveling and they hope that we aren't on to their scheme. Now we are brain washed into believing that we owe them for taking care us and providing for us when really what they did was keep us alive long enough to learn a few tricks, live a little, brainwash a new set of idiots and eventually DIE!

If all of that sounds ridiculous to you, that would be because you were well brainwashed or you are a glass-half-full kind of a person.

Ok, that's enough. Do you see the sorts of things I write when fueled by anger? At least I amused you for a little bit. Haha

What I deserve

This is a list of the things that I believe that I deserve.


An awesomely awesome job that has great benefits, high salary for my experience, growth opportunities, vacation time and lots of perks.

A loving and supportive family that never puts me down and always encourages me to live my dream.

Honest friends that are around when I need them (they have their own lives and their own things going on) and know that I am always there for them.

A sexy guy who is intelligent, driven, artistic, romantic, honest, faithful, mature, articulate, athletic, "skilled", passionate, loving and employed

At least one moment on stage in front of a large adoring audience.

The confidence to get all of that stuff.

Hiding

For the last couple of weeks, I've been "hiding" in Montreal Canada. My excuse was that I wanted to visit my family, but in actuality, I wanted to get away. At first I was going to stay only for a week, but I decided to stay for another week, just for kicks.

From what are you hiding, Regine?

Life. It's annoying, stressful and too real for me to deal with right now. I know that I can't really escape life. Life follows me everywhere I go, but I was in desperate need of a vacation, a pause, a moment to stand still and breathe.

I know that right now is the worst possible time to do so, but I know that it is better to be in a place where I can think than to be in a place where I'm miserable.

I don't want to be miserable. No one does, but we put so much importance on making money that we are willing to sacrifice our happiness for it. I don't want to sacrifice my happiness. Maybe I'm being immature and naive, but I want to believe that success isn't measured by how much money is in my account but by how many wonderful things I've experienced.


I'm getting sick of being the one who says that I know so-and-so or I went to school with whosey-whatsit. I want people to say that about me. It has nothing to do with fame (not directly, at least). I just want to do something with my life where there is a possibility that someone would say "Oh yeah, I know Regine. She's fabulous and so talented."

I know that getting someone to say that doesn't start with hiding, but my hiding gives me a chance to look in my self and say "I am Regine and I am fabulous and so talented."

Step 1... check

Good news, I quit my job. That's right, I quit my job. I bet you are wondering: "What the hell are you going to do now?" Well, thanks for asking, Mom. My answer to you is... I'll never teeeelllllllll! (R.I.P Brittany Murphy) You know exactly why I won't. Don't take it personally or anything like that, it's just, well, would you tell someone your wish after you blew out your candles? Exactly!

Anyway, that was step 1 and on to step 2.


Right now, I am home for the week. Grabbing my bearings and getting adjusted to the fact that I FLERKIN' QUIT MY JOB!!!!

In no way do I blame the children for my wanting to leave. They were pains in the butts but they were MY pains in the butts. They were my kids and I had a hand in raising them. It just came to a point where I was dreading coming to work every morning and everyone could see it in my face. I may be able to keep my feelings to myself when it comes to verbal communication, but when you see my face, you know something is up.

The conversation with my supervisor went pretty much as follows:

Supervisor: Are you frustrated?
Me: Yes
Supervisor: What about?
Me: Everything
Supervisor: Do you want to leave?
Me: Yes, but-
Supervisor: We want you to be happy.
Me: (tears welling up in eyes) ...
Supervisor: ...
Me: (Grabs a paper towel to wipe face)...
Supervisor: ...
Me: (the Angel on one shoulder and the Devil on the other have reached an agreement) I guess I'm giving you my two weeks notice.

The End

Do you know how good I felt after I said those words? I was afraid for my future, but I felt so good. I felt Like Elphaba from Wicked. "Unlimited, my future is unlimited"

Now, I just have to work on step 2 and make this the best year ever.

Holidays, Hopes and Happiness

Well, the year is almost over and I am looking forward to the new one. I think that I am ready for some new things to come my way. Well, not just new, but good. I am ready to have some happy times again. 2009 was an awful year for me and I would very much like to get away from it as soon as possible.

I have to admit that there were a few good things that happened this year like getting the pool, having the 4th of July party with the family and making a new friend who seems to be a genuinely nice person and just recently gave me a book that I am adoring. (Thank you Shaun!!)

I'm still working on my secret project and I am taking that with me into 2010. I'm not going to talk about it here because I don't want to have to do any explaining. If you read my last post, you would understand why.

I had a long talk with one my friends last night about my current living situation (work, friends, family etc.) and even though she is significantly younger than I am, I have learned that wisdom comes in any form. She has shown me how to see certain things in a different way. She made me realize that my parents are lucky to have me even though they don't act like it. I've realized that what I've been doing consisted of listening to the bad comments, believing them and letting them keep me down to serve the purpose of the people who made the negative comments.

Never again!

I now understand that they are just afraid of my impending success and they would rather keep me with them by belittling me instead of supporting me and letting me soar. (It's sad to know that a lot of this is coming from the family. They like to feel powerful, I guess.)

Anyway, the fam came over late last night and they opened the gifts that I got them. I got my mother two blouses. I got my father and my brother sweaters that zip from the chest up. I got my sister a long and stretchy scarf and an iTunes gift card. All of the gifts that I got were from my students. I received Dunkin' Donuts girt cards from 2 parents, a bag of makeup from another parent who works with L'oreal (I think I spelled that right, I'm not much of a makeup wearing person.) and another parent got me some lotion and shower gel (can't get enough of that). I felt blessed because some of the kids were no longer in my classroom, but I guess since they were in my care at some point this year, they thought that it would be nice to get me something. too bad for them, I am going to be leaving that place very soon. (insert maniacal laugh here)

These are the things that I want for myself in the new year:
New job
New York
New love
New wardrobe
New friends
New happy life.

Now I have to make plans for New Year's Eve.

Thanksgiving

In Newark for Thanksgiving and I am ready to go back to Easton. I realized that I am a horrible person because my uncle is just trying to bond with me and practice his English and all I want to do is be mean to him. He makes no sense when he talks, and the English major in me just wants to... well... you know.

My mother has been hassling me about my current work situation. She thinks she is helping me, but she is just irritating me. She knows how to make a child feel unloved.


Anyway, I still have one more day left in my long weekend before I have to deal with work and I have decided to make a secret project for only me to know about. I read in Cosmo that it is better to keep goals to one's self rather than tell every one about it. A person would think that it would be better to tell people so that the fear of disappointing people would motivate him or her to follow through, but according to Cosmo, it isn't. In the article, it said that people get satisfied and feel accomplished just by having the plan and telling people about it and that feeling is enough for them.

I guess it works just like wishes. If you tell someone your wish, it won't come true. According to the article, the people who keeps their plans to themselves are more successful because it is exciting to have this secret, follow through with it and then surprise people with the news once the goal is reached.

Some of the things that I've kept to myself have worked out much better than the things that I've shared with others. There is that extra weight on your shoulders when people expect things from you. In the article, it said that people like to give unsolicited advice and make themselves part of your goals. They can either have a genuine interest in helping you achieve your goal or they want to get some of the credit for your achievement. (People can be arses like that)

Alrighty then, off to planning!!

Ciao!

Bows head in shame

Conscience: Regine, where have you been?
Me: What? Oh, um, in bed sleeping?
Conscience: Is that a question?
Me: No, I've been catching up on my sleep. I'm just so tired. I-
Conscience: Oh, you're tired, hunh? You're TIRED? You know what's tired? Those sorry excuses of yours.
Me: Conscience? (sounding defensive) That was way harsh. (sounding like Cher in "Clueless")
Conscience: Whatever! Get your shit together.
Me: (bows head in shame)

Still missing one

There is supposed to be one more blog for September. Since it is just the first day in October, I figure that it is alright, especially since it is my event. I didn't really have much to talk about but I wanted to make it know that I had an interesting experience doing this. It would have been cooler if I had gotten more feedback on stuff, but I guess I talked a little more about personal things than just random topics.

Anyway, it was fun and now I'm glad that I don't have to come home and write.