Booooooo!

Ok, so I got attached. We had only gone out a couple of times and I already got attached. Now he tells me that he's moving to Pittsburgh for work and I probably won't see him again.

I'm feeling many different things right now. I'm sad because I feel like I can't get a guy to want to stay with me. I'm angry because when I see him, he's all over me and when we're apart, I hardly hear from him. That could be because he is so busy with work or he thinks that his time with me is just a fling. I'm depressed because it seems like this keeps happening to me and I'm pissed the fuck off because I can't even show my anger since that will make me look needy and whatever.

I hate this whole dating thing. It is driving me crazy. I would much rather be alone than have to deal with this.

Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow. It might be the last time I see him so hopefully I won't have any disturbances and I can give him a piece of my mind.

When it came to contacting him for the first time, I had reservations. When it came to seeing him, I had reservations. I heard from him so little that I began to think that maybe I didn't want to see him again, but now that he is going away, I don't want him to go. I don't know what to think anymore. We'll see how tomorrow goes (if at all) and we'll go from there.

Thank God It's Friday

Today could have been the worst day ever. Work was crazy as hell. Those babies would not stop crying. I'm nearing the end of the dreaded curse which means I get my scheduled headaches.
So...
screaming babies+ curse+ headache= hell on earth!

It was raining this morning which I didn't mind all that much and I'm normally the first one to work and after me comes two coworkers and their kids. Other kids start coming in and already there is mayhem.

One kid poops all over the place while mom drops off and then poops again after mom leaves. I have to call mom to come back because it's diarrhea and they can't be here with that. My favorite kid falls and bites his lip resulting in a huge gash and there is drama.

Then my boss decides to be all angry around me, and I just don't want to hear it. I don't like her, I never liked her and I never will like her.


So anyway, I had to deal with a crazy boss and crazy kids and I was just tired of it.

Stuff

I went on a nature walk today and took some cool pictures along the way. I'll post all of them in my other blog http://bellerivierefiction.blogspot.com, but here's a sneak peak at a couple of the pictures.


It looks like someone loves someone. I found this while I was walking out of my development to get into the woods by Bushkill Creek. At least someone is getting some love.












I wanted to take a nice picture of myself amongst the nature, but the only way I could look decent and natural was if I looked away. So I looked to the heavens and I said, "Lord, I better look good in this picture." Then the Lord and I looked at it and we both said it was good. haha















Now, this is some prettiness. This is a view of Bushkill Creek here in Easton, PA.













This is a captured moment when Maureen Johnson was on blogtv last night doing her seagull impression, and playing Cupid for the Nerdfighters. That woman is crazy as hell, but I love her.













Here is a screen cap from "Lost in Austen" that I really wanted to share. Yes that is Fitzwilliam Darcy and no that is not Elizabeth Bennet.

Randomness

Well, here we go. Thanks to Maureen Johnson, I have decided to blog everyday in April (BEDA).

So most of my blogs are pretty much about guys and my issues with them and all of that craziness so I have a new topic.

I know we've all had friends who felt compelled to say "I've gone through hell looking for the right guy/girl." Normally you would respond with "well it's pretty hard nowadays, but you'll find him/her."

I was thinking about this recently and I was like "Well why would you want to find your perfect match in hell?"

I know that what they really mean to say is that they have gone through a lot to find someone to love, but is love really worth all of the trouble? Shouldn't the whole process of finding someone be a pleasant thing?

Hmm. maybe not

I guess Love is the reward and you have to go through some hard times to reap that reward.

Focus, Focus, Focus!!!

Hiya!

So, I decided to get back on the horse with my life. Even though I'm still a little depressed about the break up and still being at this dead-beat job, I feel that the only way to make things better is to do just that... make things better.

I can't just sit here and act all "woe is me, my life sucks, nothing good will ever happen to me". I need to be proactive.

I want to write, but I haven't been writing as much as I should.

I want to sing in front of an audience, but I'm too shy to get back into that all over again.

I want to create more art, but I've lost the inspiration.

I want to work out more and lose weight, but I get so tired and worn out before I get to the gym.

Well, no more!

I am going to finish a story!
I am going to choir rehearsal!
I'm going to let everything inspire me!
I am going to live in that gym! 60 lbs lost by December if it kills me!

I made a promise to myself and, what kind of person would I be if I lied... to myself? Normally I'm the type of person who wouldn't make promises. I know how hard they can be to be kept. People have promised me things and I've always been let down and now I am letting myself down. I don't want to do that. I want to be a reliable person and the only way that can happen is if I start with being true to myself.

I'm almost 25 years old and I'm still trying to figure things out. I don't know what kind of person I am yet. I'm still growing and learning things about myself and about the world around me. I'm still learning who to trust and who not to trust.

I'm seeing a new guy (I call him Arry) and I owe it to myself (and sort of to him) to stay enthusiastic about everything.

And so, I shall!!

Frustration

I am so frustration with the male gender.

anon (5:09:08 PM): you

anon (5:09:09 PM): are so beautiful

anon (5:09:14 PM): i would be so honored to be your man

Can you believe this nonsense. This guy that I am kinda talking to says all of the right things, but I am not physically attracted to him no am I even trying to be with anyone right now. He talks a pretty good game, but sometimes he manages to come out with these randomly jerky things like.

anon (5:31:48 PM): aw okay

anon (5:31:50 PM): gimme a kiss

anon (5:31:52 PM): for shits sake

anon (5:31:53 PM):

me (5:32:04 PM):

anon (5:32:17 PM): bye hunny

me (5:32:23 PM): bye

Are you serious? How are you trying to court me by demanding a kiss? An online kiss for that matter, a colon, a dash and and asterisk. Makes absolutely no sense to me, but whatever floats your boat.

Anywho, I don't know what to do about this guy. He may very well be a good guy with some interesting idiosyncrasies, but I'm not perfect either. I want to give him a shot simply because I don't want to be alone forever, and I need to date more, but I don't want to feel trapped with him or hurt him in anyway. I just don't want to be alone. I'm not trying to use anyone because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me and I don't have respect for people who take advantage of others.

I'm not a bad person and I don't want to be associated with bad people, but dang it the last time anyone looked at me romantically was in July and that was 2 days before he told me that I wasn't good enough for him. Hmm, still can't get over it, hunh? Nope, guess not.

Out of sight out of mind vs. Absence makes the heart grow fonder

What happens in a relationship when the two people are far away from each other? Do you miss your loved one so much that you love them even more or do you completely forget about them because they are not around?
For me, I am the type of person who would constantly think about the guy that I am with whether he is with near or far away. I still think about the guy I dated 6 months ago. Although I think about the guy all of the time, I think less about my family when they are not around. Perhaps for me, it is because I know that my family will always be there so I don't have to worry about them or my standing with them, but when it comes to the guy, I have no idea how long our relationship will last so I am going to constantly think about it.
Is that all it is? Can someone get so comfortable in a relationship where they wouldn't have to think about it as much? Is that a sign of a healthy relationship or a failing relationship? I have absolutely no idea.

I'm only asking these questions because I am getting sick of being with a guy and have him talk up a good game long enough to get me and then once he's finally got me, he acts like he doesn't care anymore and just throws me away. I know I'm not trash and I know that I am worth much more than that, but why am I always the one to care more? Why cant there be a guy who cares enough about me to think of me every once in a while and isn't creepy or anything like that? I just want a guy I like and likes me back to tell me once in a while that he misses me and can't wait til we can be together again. I don't want to come off as selfish or anything, I just want to know that it is actually possible to have someone have genuine feelings for me. I want to know that is it possible for a guy to miss me enough that he would get a little ache in his chest knowing that I am no longer with him like I do all of the time.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to have a flash of my ex and still long for him, knowing that he is already 5 months in a relationship with someone else after 6 months of breaking off our 2 month relationship with the excuse: I want to date around and see what else is out there.

Grrrrr! Mr. "You're perfect in every way, but I haven't dated a lot and I want to have that experience before I settle down"

Grrrrr! Mr. "It's only been 2 months, but I'm not in love with you yet so I should just end it now"

The sad part of this is that I know he hasn't thought of me at all in 6 months, but I have been of him everyday since May 23, 2008, when we started writing to each other.

I'm so pathetic.

it sure has been a while

Yes, it certainly has been a while. I haven't really had much to write about lately. Work still sucks and, I don't go out so I don't meet people. I'm not dating anyone or hanging out anywhere, though I did do some research on this town for future reference. Mostly I looked up places where I would like to hang out if I were to have that awesome job, and some friends who were into that kind of thing.
It seems that every time I go out to hang out with my friends we always go bowling, which I don't mind, but they bring their friends or they meet people there who have no teeth and wear pants below their asses like I want to see that. I don't want to be all judgmental or anything, but really, what happened to standards? I'd at least want to be a round someone who has the common sense to at least take care of their teeth or know the appropriate times to wear a damn belt. I mean come on!
Every day that I am a work, I see someone's ass crack. I don't want to see that! An I want to know who it was that found that attractive enough to marry and procreate with the provider of the ass crack. Obviously it isn't someone with common sense or standards.

Anywho, what else to talk about? I'm on twitter now because a guy friend of mine asked that I joined. Well I found some interesting people to follow so that is what I was doing all last night, well that and eating a heart shaped pizza.
I need to find new stuff to read and I need to finish what i was writing. I read all of the Twilight books and fell in love with them so I think I want to fall in love with a new story. Got any ideas?

Break-ups

So, in my last post, I mentioned something about seeing someone and that went great for a little while until he decided to be totally random and pull the "it's not you, it's me" thing (in an email, no less).
This is the email (no, I don't mind if you read it.):

Dear Regine,
I'm writing you this letter because I need to express to you my feelings, and I'm better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. I also want you to truly hear what I'm saying to you and I'm afraid that you might not hear all the positive in person or over the phone. Regine, I have had so much fun dating you and being your boyfriend over the last month and a half. You are the best person I've ever met on match.com and I feel like we share so many interests and values in common. Let me just list a few of the qualities I appreciate in you:
. You have a great sense of humor and always know how to make me laugh. I also love making you laugh.
. You're intelligent and driven and have strong values and know what you want in life.. You're attractive, stylish, sexy, a great kisser and know how to turn me on.
. You're open-minded, easy-going and adventurous and that makes going places with you really fun.. I love going on walks with you and talking about anything at all.
. You're caring, affectionate and a great listener and I have always felt like I can trust you and tell you anything and everything.
. I love having drinks with you and watching you get all silly. I can't help but smile from ear to ear whenever I think of going to Steel Garden with you.
. You're accepting of me and all my faults. I'm far from perfect, but you've always made me feel good about myself, handsome, and adequate.
. You've opened my eyes to a lot of things and I've learned so much from you.. I love that you like animals and have always shown an interest in the things that interest me and make me happy.
. I love that you have a pretty voice and can dance and have so many other feminine virtues and qualities.
And the list goes on.What I'm trying to say is that you are a wonderful girlfriend and friend to me. Nevertheless, I know that you can sense there is something wrong and since truth is a value that we both strongly believe in I need to tell you how I feel. Honestly, Regine, I feel like before I can commit to you, I need to have the opportunity to date more women. The fact is that I've dated very few women and I feel a strong need to continue to date for a while so that I know what is out there and can learn what I really want. I want you to know that I haven't been seeing anyone, going on dates or cheating on you. Honesty is important to both of us, so I want you to know that I have been exchanging a few emails with women on match.com. That has been going on for about 2 weeks and I want you to know since I don't want to keep anything from you. Most likely if I end up going on dates with these women they won't be right for me and won't compare to you, but I feel like I need to find out for myself and not lose this learning opportunity. Dating you has been absolutely wonderful and I am trying to make you understand that this is about me and not you. You've done nothing wrong and everything right and I'd like to be able to continue seeing and dating you if you are ok with that. I can certainly understand if you are not ok with that and don't want to see me again, but this is nothing personal and I don't want to anger or alienate you. I also know that you haven't dated much either, and I want you to date more guys as well, so that you too can learn more about yourself and what you want in a relationship.All this is coming up now because I feel guilty for not being as good a boyfriend to you as you deserve and I know I can be. I pride myself on being a good boyfriend, but I haven't been as good a boyfriend to you as I want to be because I didn't want to lead you on and make things worse. For example, I've wanted to bring you flowers for a long time now, and I know they are long overdue, but I felt that it would send the wrong signal when I at the same time feel like I want to date some more. Likewise, I haven't been as affectionate and complimentary to you as I would like to be. That's also why I haven't brought you home to meet my parents. I want them to meet you very much, but I was afraid to take that step and advance our relationship because I don't want to lead you on anymore than I'm afraid I already have and I certainly don't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry if this is hurting you Regine. I've been crying while writing this because it hurts me to think that I'm hurting you. You've been absolutely wonderful to me and it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone. Sadly, the very nature of dating means that someone's feelings are always involved. I hope this letter has helped you understand how I feel. Again, you've done nothing wrong and I would like to continue seeing you. Yet I also feel like I need to date a few more women so that I don't always wonder "what if?". I hope you can understand that I'm trying to do the right thing. I also hope that if you feel you no longer want to date me, you will still value our friendship (now I'm crying again) because I've had more fun with you over the last couple months than with any of my guy friends. You are truly a pleasure to be around.Finally, I just wanted to say that I would love to talk to you about all this in person. I only wrote you this first because I wanted to express myself clearly and give you a chance to decide if you would be willing to see me again and discuss our relationship. Please respond to this email or call me and let me know how you feel and what you would like.
Paul

This is how I responded:

Paul,
I lied to you yesterday when I said that I was in a mellow mood after you told me that I seemed sad on the phone. I was very sad, and I had no idea why. Today at work, I had the biggest headache in the world and it only got worse as the day went on; I figured it was just the heat. I suppose I should believe people when they say that I have psychic tendencies. I must say that your email was well written, and I can't be too angry with someone who just wants to be honest with me. The truth really does hurt, whether you are telling it or hearing it, though I have to admit, it is much worse being on the receiving end of it. I had to read your email several times so that I can understand it as a rational human being rather than the pissed off girlfriend. I guess I see where you are coming from, and it would be better to talk about this in person. I've got some questions (15 to be exact)that need to be answered before I am able to make a decision. I called you a couple of times already and I guess no one was home (it was probably for the best). By the way, I read my horoscope today and this is what it said: "What does it mean to be a friend? The answer to that question is a little bit different for everyone, which will become all too apparent today when someone you relied on lets you down one more time. You two need to have a talk, and you need to have it today. Honest communication doesn't always feel that pleasant, but it is the only way to get things back on track. If you have expectations that they aren't fulfilling, they need to know about it." It's funny how the universe works.
Regine

Now I thought that I was being super clever with that response, but after realizing that there was no response to it, I later found out that he never received it. Weird, hunh?
So yes, we did talk on the phone after that and we decided that he can go off and do whatever he wants to do and I will have no part of it. I'll still be his friend (and I was serious about that. I take my friendships very seriously).

Now, back to his email and what he told me on the phone (i really wish I had a transcript of that conversation). Apparently I was this great girlfriend, I think he used wonderful and amazing a couple of times. If I'm so wonderful and amazing, why is he looking for something else? Some people would come to me and say, "why do you care so much? You only went out for 2 months." I know that two months is a short time, but our relationship was like a really great massage. You don't know how long it's going to last, but you are having the time of your life while your having it and then the thing that you want to last forever suddenly stops. It's natural to get disappointed, and the better the massage, the more disappointed you get.

We broke up a month and a half ago so I should be over it. I'm almost over it, but the thing that I can not get over is his self-deprication and his having nothing but good things to say about me. If he's so flawed and I'm so wonderful then what makes him think that he is capable of finding someone better than I am?

I'm scared that he actually will find someone better and he'll want nothing to do with me. I keep imagining this "Persuasion-esque" situation where years from now, we meet up again and we're both single and he tells me that he's never forgotten about me. In the off chance that he does want me back how will I know that it is because I'm the only one for him and not because he can't find anyone else so he'd rather settle?

I know, I do think too much, but that is what happens when you have so much " should be on a date" time.

Wow, long time, hunh?

Well, there is a lot to discuss.

Work: I'm working the early shift with very annoying people and kids that like to come in earlier than they are supposed to. I'm getting paid a little bit more, and when I say a little bit I mean a little bit. At least I have a permanant room and I get to work closer with people that I do like.

Right now I've teamed up with my sister to work on my resume and stuff so that I can look like the perfect candidate for writing jobs. I'm pretty much open for any reasonable job that requires a brain and pays over $10/hr.

Home: Still living in this house by myself, but I really don't mind it at all. I like having this place to myself and I finally got over my fear that soemone might sneak up behind me in the dark and try to rape me or kill me.

Social: I'm still a homebody, but I really don't care. I just go to work and come back home. I walk around with my head down or I walk fast so I don't have to deal with people. Sad, I know but it's easy. My coworkers are my friends though so I at least get to see them every weekday. All we do is talk and joke around and watch the babies.

Personal: I think I have a boyfriend. I met him on match.com and he is really sweet. We have a lot in common. He's really smart and really sexy. He's exactly what I was looking for and I hope it lasts.

ok, that's it for now. Hopefully I won't take as long to write in here.

A Start

Alright, so I am still working at this crap-ass job with these people who do not appreciate the things that I do for them. Every single day that I am at that day care, I say to myself (as I am on my hands and knees cleaning the floors and the toilets) "I did not go through boarding school and college for this."
Last year when I went to the NY Hill Reception, I was so embarrassed to be standing in froont of these people who had much better things going on in their lives than I do. I saw my old teachers and my fox of a track coach, and every second that I talked to them, I felt as if I had let them down. I saw the headmaster and his wife and they were looking at me like I was a daughter that they hadn't seen for years. All I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here? Why did I want to come here?"
The night before, I was so excited to see everyone and when it was over, I felt like a complete failure. At least back then, I was able to say that I was singing and I was giving back to my community by volunteering at my church. What can I say now? The reception is coming up this February and I don't think I have the guts to go. Other than having to pay $55 to go, and whatever the cost for transportation, I don't think I can look these people in the eyes again and say, "Hi, I work at a day care as an ass-istant teacher and all I do is change diapers and clean toilets."
I told myself a long time ago that I did not want to teach (I don't really remember the reasoning behind that, but there you have it). I think back then, I thought that I would have come to my senses and fought for everything that I wanted, but no; I'm still the same push-over as ever. I lack the "go-for-it" mentality that everyone is trying to push into my head. I want it, though. Very much! So what am I going to do to get it?

HMMM.......


Well I know that however I go about this, it will have to be in baby steps because I know myself too well. Whenever I through myself into something I through myself out and I give up.
Well first:
I have to sit and think (positively) about what it is I really want 1. for right now and 2. for the future.

Second:
Work on my right now goal (I'm not calling this my short term goal because this is something that should have been done last year) while keeping the future in mind.

Third:
I have to incorporate others in this because I cannot do this by myself. This means that I have to get some connections and I have to turn the people that I already know into supporters. I need as much positive reinforcement as possible because I have a feeling that I am going to encounter many discouraging arseholes.

Fourth:
I have to eliminate my obstacles. I will not fraternise with frowners, downers, pinchers, lynchers, asses and the general negative masses.

I just need to remember that this is my only chance at getting the life that I want and deserve. I've already wasted 2 years of this precious life. That is time that I will never get back. This may sound selfish but until I have children, I am my primary concern. I should be satisfying myself before I even think about someone else. I'm all I've got.

Over to 2008

Wow, one more day and the year is over. This is so crazy. This year has been a mountain of literal ups and downs for me.

Downs
1. Joe
2. Sacred Heart Drama
3. Family drama
4. Crap job
5. Living in this house all alone
6. No longer singing
7. Gaining weight

Ups
1. Went to London
2. Won Shano's "name my painting" contest
3. got a car
4. Eileen and Alissa
5. Brotherhood 2.0 and the Nerdfighters
6. Courtnee
7. Weekend with Charlie and Kim
8. Weekend with Michael

Ooh yay, one more up than down.

New Year's Resolution

1. Lose weight
2. find somewhere to sing
3. Write more
4. Get a better job
5. Save money
6. update wardrobe
7. date
8. go to church every sunday
9. practice flute and keyboard
10. smile more
11. follow my heart
12. stick to the list especially 1,2,4,8, and 11 and 12.

The Truth

There are two reasons why people tell lies. 1. To keep themselves from looking like the bad guy and 2. to spare the feelings of others. We prefer to tell lies, and we prefer to hear lies (as much as we say that we want the truth).

Your man cheated on you and you know it's true but there is a feeling inside that wants it to not be true.

The reason for all of this is because the truth hurts. I know (or knew, not sure where our friendship stands) a guy who cares a great deal about me. He was always honest with me, which was once a blessing, but now, not so much. We flirted a lot, so much so that we really regretted living so far away from each other. Either was, space could not control how fond we grew of each other. Or so I thought.

Recently I found out that as I was falling for him, he was falling for another. Well, I didn't find it out, he told me point blank, "I really love this woman". (this woman, i.e. not me). Of course, I was jealous, but I knew that I had no control over the situation and knowing the person that I am, I care more about other's feelings rather than my own, so I figured that I would hold my feelings in and just be there for him. In time he realized how I felt, I guess my facial expressions and suddenly distant attitude gave it away. So I was honest with him, and in turn, he was honest with me. He said, "Regine, I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you'd like me to. I'm sorry I don't love you the way I love ___."

I cried like a baby for about an hour, not only because what he said hurt me, but because I knew that he sincerely meant it. I knew that he didn't say it to hurt me, but to be honest with me. At that moment, I really wished that he had said something assholish so I could, at least, dismiss him and run around calling him an asshole. So now I feel so stupid 1. for letting this happen to me AGAIN, 2. for falling for someone that I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I couldn't have and 3. for having the kind of "friendship" that we had.

I can't even hate him because he never mislead me, I can only hate myself. In the off chance that he reads this, I have to face the guilt of making him feel bad, so I just don't win. Although, this may be one guilty feeling that I will have to accept, because at least now, he'll know the truth.

Adjusting

I'm beginning to adjust to living here in Easton, PA all by myself with the pretty often weekend visits from my parents. I found a part time job at a day care center and I find myself falling in love with a lot of the children. I'm wondering what sort of future I'm going to have once I'm completely settled here. Will I be working at the day care center forever? Is this what I am meant to do along with my creative endeavors? I just want to make sure that I will be able to do the things that I really want to do with my life. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I won't be able to get out and go in a new direction.
My parents are constantly taking it upon themselves to to find more stable jobs for me. I know that they are stressing themselves out and they refuse to listen when I say that I have things under control. I appreciate their efforts and their concern, but they really have to let me do things for myself. I also have to realize that I'm not a kid anymore and I need to stop relying on others to help me out all of the time. I truly need to practice what I preach.

I do have some more good news, the first being me with a job; I have a car and I didn't even have to buy it. My uncle and his family were generous enough to let me use it until it completely collapsed. It's about 15 years old and it is sturdy, so I believe that I have a couple of years with that car until I can gather up enough money for a new one. I am so happy that I have people in my life that would do something like that for me. It makes me regret thinking that I was ever alone and unloved, though there are days when I still feel that way.

I'm starting to have some friends here which is nice. I was a friand that I would be stuck in this house forever just going back and forth from home to work. Well, alright, it's just one new friend, but still, it's something. I'm just sorry that now she is going to have to put up with my flighty, flakey, self-righteous yet self- depricating personality. I'm not that awful, but I have my moments.

Can't we all just get along?

I know that sounds corny but it is a question that still holds true, and I have a feeling, will continue to hold true for a long time to come. I am a young, American black woman and I want to be proud of the country that I live in, but I am sad to say that I am somewhat ashamed of it. The United States was once seen as the land of opportunity; it was the place to be if one wanted to have a better life. People from all over the world thought that the place that everyone called "America" was "the land of the FREE and the HOME of the brave".
About a decade before I was born, my parents came from Haiti to live in the U.S because they believed that they would have a better chance at a happier life. As I was growing up, they taught me that in this country all I had to do was study hard and keep my faith in God and I would be able to be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. I graduated from college, and I sing in my church choir. I haven't touched my dream goal yet, but I know that if I keep trying and if this country keeps trying, we all can reach our dream goals. WE just need to stop preventing each other from getting there.
It could be the stupid game of "If I can't win, then I won't let you win" or "To get what I want, I have to take away what you have". That's not fair, is it? Why can't it be "To get where I want to go, I have to take a few people along with me" or "If I want to feel good, I have to help make some other people feel good". Why can't we all realize that life is a journey, not a competition. We should be doing whatever we can to help each other along this journey and instead we are holding people back from their dreams. Back in the day, if one wasn't a straight, blond hair blue-eyed white Christian man, opportunities were guaranteed to be limitted.
Even though we have come a long way, true equality has yet to show its face. We all live in the same country and we "supposedly" pay the same taxes, but we don't all have the same rights. The majority of this country is supposedly Christian, although many people in this country are of different faiths. I don't think Jesus ever said to close our doors to whomever is different; I'm pretty sure he said to love our neighbors as ourselves and to do unto others as we would have done unto us. We are all people and we are made the same way, we have hearts and minds andwe do the same things with them.
We may not have the same belief system but with every religion and every moral code there is one goal, and that is to live a good life. So, is it good to deny other people certain rights or privileges just because they are different? I thought this country was celebrated because of its diversity. Apparently this country would rather have homeless starving children flock the streets than have them live in loving environments with gay people as adoptive parents. This country would rather have AIDS and other STDs spread around the country than allow a gay person the normal human right to be in a legal committed relationship sealed with vows and a certificate. Who the hell do we think we are? Why don't we just get off of our high horses, loosen up our ties, kick off our shoes and just chill. We're all human. Karma can be a b!+(# sometimes, so whatever you emitt, you absorb threefold.

I know that this country is going through a tough time right now (karma) but if war is absolutely necessary, how about a nice game of chess instead? Whoever wins 2 out of 3 games wins the war. No one has to die just because two grumpy old men can't settle their differences.

Please don't arrest me for treason or something like that because that would be mean and because that would be showing the country's low self esteem for not being able to take one person's criticism.

Still no luck

Job: This month has been extremely and ridiculously not in my favor. I told myself that I was going to be employed by my birthday and that day came and went. This is so frustrating because I see the looks on my parents faces and I know that they are very disappointed in me. Sure, there are a lot of good things that I have done in my life, but they will always focus on the negative. I'm still young though and I have plenty of time, but they look at me like I'm a lost cause. I've had a few interviews this month and I really thought that I was going to get lucky. Even my friends are starting to look down on me and I'm just afraid to show my face in public. I'd like to think that my lack of luck is due to God trying to put me in the right place to find the right thing. I really hope that is the case because I've had a year's worth of rejection and I really can not deal with another disappointment.

Love: Yay! I'm completely over Joe. That is definitely something to celebrate. My "friendship" with Arik is interesting, but I don't like to tell people about that because even though it is real, the nature of it is borderline fantasy-like. All I can say is that he is beginning to take up Joe's space in my... heart. Anyway, enough about him. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago and he says he is eager to see me. "I just want to see your pretty face"... um... ok. Well, if that is the case, why did you stand me up 3 times? Yeah, 3. The third time was just me being stupid because I knew better, but there was something in me that thought, maybe he will turn around and surprise me. That was not the case. He wasn't even my type. He definitely turned me off to Black men in general and Haitian men in particular. I've told myself that I would never be in a relationship with a Haitian man, so I'm not at all disappointed with this situation. I'm just mad at myself that I let it get to 3 stand-ups. Once again, I'd like to think that it was God looking out for me; he doesn't want that guy in my life and neither do I.

Social: Last night was so cool. I went out to dinner with my friends Alissa and Eileen for my birthday (six days after the actual date). We had dinner at Macaroni Grill and went to the movies to see Knocked Up. That movie was so ridiculous. Way too many drug references, and "fuck" had to be the most used word with "the" in a close second. It was funny as hell though, not as funny as Hot Fuzz, but still funny. Alissa's moving on to bigger and better things, Eileen's got the coolest husband and what I think to be a cool life and here I am still at home with people who can't stand to look at me. I know that people have their good things and their bad things so I can't be completely jealous of them. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when I'm older. I just really want some goodness to come my way so that I can prove all of these naysayers wrong.

Reading

Ok, some of you may know that I have been spending my spare time reading. I've lost count on how many books I read in the past year. Let's see if I can lsit them all:
1. Summer-June
2. Summer-July
3. Summer-August
4. Jane Eyre
5. Pride and Prejudice
6. Persuasion
7. Girl Interrupted
8. Like Water for Chocolate
9. Sula
10. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (didn't finish)
11. Sense and Sensibility
12. Mansfield Park
13. Paradise Lost (currently)
14. Equus (currently)

I'm sure a more intellectual person would have read more books than that, but it's hard to read in a home full of people who like to bug me. Well, after having been in school for so long, I forgot what it was like to read for fun. I've even decided to take reread the books that I've read in school because back then, I was just reading them as fast as I could so I could get whatever assignment done. Now that I have no pressure on me, I want to go back and find out why it was necessary to read those books. I want to answer the question, What was so great about the story that we needed to study it and write papers on it.

On a different note, today is a pretty good day. I wrote a poem, I'm feeling very comfortable even though I'm surfing the crimson wave. My pants fit and I'm going for sushi with Alissa and Eileen. My 23rd birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and i'm a bit excited for that. I have a job interview set up for next week and I hope I get it because I need money and I need good dental insurance. What would be really cool though, would be if I got a job at McGraw-Hill or John Wiley and Son's. Those are two pretty cool publsihing companies that deal with educational texts. I really hope one of them hires me. I'm praying!!! I'm really hoping someone good hires me. I don't want to settle for anything, I want to start out with something that will help me grow in what I want to do.
I know that this may be weird to say, but I can feel goodness coming toward me and I know that if I hold on just a bit longer, it will finally reach me and I will be happy. I'm staying positive. OOOh, I can't wait till tonight to hang with the girls. It really is great to have friends that genuinely are about you.

Officially Over

Well, whatever feelings I had for Joe are officially gone. My heart no longer has a space for him. We were friends, once, and we crossed that line. At first I was alright with it because I thought that something wonderful was going to grow from it, but instead, there was nothing. Then I thought we could at least be friends, but how can one be friends with someone who only stays in contact when he has no one better to talk to? I don't deserve to be the fall back friend. I've only ever put him on a pedestal and I apparently was nothing to him. I was enough of a thought to have him add me to facebook, but I wasn't enough of a friend to have him tell me that he was having a baby and then getting married (yeah, in that order cause he can't keep it in his pants, the nasty freak).

So, he's married now and his (seven years his junior) wife is seven months pregnant. I remember days when he would come to me to tell me that she was driving him crazy and that there were points when he couldn't stand her. Hmm, makes a girl think.

To celebrate this occasion, I decided to seriously take him out of my life. I tore up all of his pictures, deleted him from facebook, my phone and aim. I even went through every single comment he has ever left me and deleted those too. It's a little hard to get him out of my head, but at least I can picture him in painful positions, i.e. in a guillotine (a normal sized one and a little one for little Joe), in a bathtub with a hairdryer or radio, or with a noose around his neck.
I just hope the poor girl wises up and divorces his ass and takes him for everything he has and he'll be living on the street with no legs, pushing himself around on a messed up skateboard. :) That would be nice. That would be justice.

I can picture it now; I'm walking down the street looking fabulous, on my way to the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, where I will be receiving one for my latest book. Joe's rolling down the street and he sees me and he calls out my name. I look his way, and there he is, on his crooked skateboard looking a hot mess. He tells me he's sorry, I accept his apology and I go receive my award.

That would be lovely.

My Trip

I was in London exactly 1 month ago, and I can't believe it has taken me this long to write about it.
<-- That is how I wish I looked while in London, but I'm a little bit more of a porker with the same general hairstyle.

Well it was my first time ever in Europe and I felt completely at home there. I was so happy to see Charlie again and I was also happy to get out of the house. I was there for a week and I stayed at Charlie's place which was so good for me because I'm unemployed and broke as a mug. Kim was only able to make it for a day, which shows true friendship. (I haven't spoken to her since then, I should give her a call.)

The wedding was really nice and short (thank God) but it managed to sneak an emotional moment in its 30 min time span. Charlie's mom (R.I.P) made it to the wedding and even though she was sick, I could tell that she was very happy to see her daughter get married. I had never met her before that day, but I had spoken to her on the phone and she was such a sweet woman. She must have been a really cool mom to have raised really great children like Charlie and her brother. She passed away exactly a week after the wedding and I really wish I was there for Charlie, but I know that her husband is there for her.

After the wedding, they showed me around. The first night I was there I got to see Billy Elliot the musical; I saw Windsor Castle, where the queen lives; I saw Buckingham Palace, and we went to the London Zoo. I had a really great time. I wish I had gotten to see the London night life, but that will give me a reason to go back. O.k. not just for the night life but to be in friggin London. Hope fully by then, I'll actually be able to afford my trip and maybe I'll be able to stay there longer.

So, here is a list of countries that I really really really want to go to and why:
France- cause I speak french and who doesn't want to go to France
Italy- I hear Italian men really like black girls
Ireland- The pubs
Spain- The music and the men
Germany- The Beer and Arik <3 (don't ask)
Greece- the decendants of Greek warriors
Australia- I need to perfect the accent
Japan- the fashion
India- to meet Aishwaria Rai, she's really pretty

I haven't been to many US states (is that redundant?) but I don't really have a list of which ones I want to visit yet. Oh well.

My music playlist