My Celebrity Look-Alikes

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An Announcement: Daniel Radcliffe

You have seen him grow up before your eyes, from playing young David Copperfield to a 15 year old Harry Potter. Now at 17 years old, not only is Radcliffe a phenomenal actor but he is also very HOT!!!

He is starring in a London play "Equus" where he plays Alan Strang or whatever the character is called. Either way, the point is, HE'S NAKED.

"Equus" premiered on Brodway in 1973 and won a Tony Award, and now it is making a big comeback in London.

Don't take any of this info as official because I am still learning about it but I would really like to see it one day and throw Daniel a sweatshirt cause he's NAKED. hahaha

In Honour of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

(This is the speech he gave that helped change the world)


I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. *We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by a sign stating: "For Whites Only."* We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of
Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

So things are actually starting to look up for me. I don't want to jinx it but I've actually been smiling a lot more than I used to.

I have a new friend and he is very nice to me. He's taking my mind off of the bad stuff, i.e. JS. We've been talking for a couple of months now and we flirt a lot. Now he's teaching me and it's really fun. I think I missed academic life and he's kinda bringing that back for me. Too bad he's in Greece cause I'm happy he's my friend and if he was here, I think he'd actually make a great boyfriend. Don't tell him I said that.

Anyway, I still don't have a job yet, but I'm one step closer to getting one. I'm with a temp agency in NYC and they are going to help me out. I'm not doing that church youth group thing anymore so I'm happy about that.

I finished reading Persuasion by Jane Austen and it was great. Now I'm reading Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. I enjoyed the movie and I remembered that my sister had the book so I was like, why the hell not. It's here so I might as well. I really like it so far and the movie is really not that much like the book. I'm not complaining though because it's great.

I'm still having up and down issues with my mother, but really, what woman doesn't?

I've been taking singing lessons and I have been having the time of my life with that. I have some crazy solos coming up in the next few weeks and I am so excited. I just hope I don't screw up or anything. Screw that, I won't screw up cause I am awesome!!!

Under the Tuscan Sun was just on. I've seen that movie several times and I love it each time. That movie reminds me that sometimes you have to go through some shit before things things get better, so just live your life, forget about what's bugging you and enjoy the good times.

It's a new year and I want to say a big thank you to the people who helped me get through last year.
Mollie, Arik, Dion, Joelle, Kareen, Shano, Charlie, Kim, Heather P, and some others:
Thank you for the laughs, tears, hugs, beers, prayers and ears. You all have inspired me in more ways than one. Thanks for making 2006 livable.

Josh Groban...

...is saving my life right now. I just found out that whats-his-face is having a baby and I'm depressed. So there is a song, "You Are Loved",that brings up all of these emotions but is reminding me that someone out there loves me and I shouldn't throw in the towel. Love is out there for me and I'll find it at some point.

Whitney and Britney wrote the soundtrack to my life

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I would really like to be with someone. I don't want to be alone. It's a new year and I think I'm ready for something new and real. No more fantasies! I want to be able to dance with someone. What I had before, if it was anything at all, was just a dream. A nightmare, really. It messed me up really bad that now when I think about him, I get crazy.

The first time I officially met him, I thought that he was THE one for me. I thought about him all of the time and I thought that we would really be together. That night was the best night of my life; I didn't want it to end and neither did he. It was perfect. I was falling for him and I didn't know how to tell him and I didn't know if he felt the same way. I was floating on cloud nine for a couple of weeks thinking about this guy who liked me that much, but there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head who really wanted to know how he felt. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. He never did. Instead I didn't hear from him for a year and that whole year I was miserable. He wasn't in my life and I felt like nothing. As the year sped along, I grew more and more comfortable. It was his loss. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, it's alright. But then I was stupid and I found him again and put him back in my life. He captured my heart yet again, but this time he was busy loving someone else. I tried to be a friend but I realized that I didn't just want to be his friend. I also realized that he would rather be with this other girl than with me. Now, after much soul searching, I understood that I deserved better than that and I didn't need this kind of pain in my life. I promised myself that I would never hate him, but that I would never love him either. If I ever see him on the street I'll only be kind to him because that is the stronger thing to do. Now, all I can say is "whatever". I can't change the past, but I can use the present to better my future. Sure I get tempted every once-in-a-while to want to see him, but I control myself and tell myself that nothing good can come from it. And now, here I am typing on my laptop wondering if I'll get another chance to love.

I guess what I really want to know is whether or not I will ever get a chance to live my life the way that I want to. All my life, all I have ever wanted was to experience love, true love. I'm 22 years old and I haven't had that yet. Apparently not even a glimpse of it. I can finally let go of the strings that have guided me like a puppet all of these years. I'm grown up now and I need to start taking control of my life, even if i don't know where I'm going .

Now when it comes to love, I don't know if I'll find it soon or ever. I want to have the real thing. If it's an online thing or a face to face thing, who knows, but anything is better than some average Joe

My Addiction

My current addiction is Old English novels. Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters are Godsends. In the past few months I have read Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and now Persuasion. At first I started reading these books because I felt that I needed to. I thought that these were books that I should have read in high school. I am so happy that I made myself read them because I was missing out.

The one that I enjoyed reading the most was Jane Eyre. It was so amazing and I definitely felt her pain. I was able to relate to her character minus the happy ending of course, but i just loved it. I saw the BBC mini series on youtube and I was so happy I saw it. I wish I wasn't broke so that I could buy it on DVD.

When I was in Atlantic City, I saw Sense and Sensibility and I was hooked. I was Marianne. I haven't read the book yet but I need to and I know that I am going to love it so much. I'm very happy that I started reading again. I really needed it, seeing as how I have no life, I'd rather live vicariously through the characters.

Conflicted

Disclaimer!!! Anything that you read here that may seem disturbing is jut my way of venting. I will in no way cause any of the bad things that you will read about. I'm just blowing off some steam.



I am still learning who my friends are and I realize that I don't have many; I actually have very few. I don't just mean friends to hang out with, I mean friends who are there for me through whatever, whenever. That is why I have my family. My sister, my mom and sometimes my cousin Joelle are the ones who I can go to in my family and speak relatively honestly with them. But who do I go to when I get annoyed with them?

I want my friends to be genuinely excited to see me or to hear from me, and I want them to want to talk to me also. I have Kim Charlie and Mollie, three friendships that lasted successfully for several years and I am so grateful for that. I just wish that I was around them more often or they were around me more often so my life wouldn't be as miserable as it is.

I don't want to be miserable, I just keep finding myself in these situations where I need a shoulder to cry on and there is no one there for me and that makes me ever sadder. I made a decision a while ago to take someone out of my life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I was in love with him. We used to be very good friends and after we had our encounter, we split apart for a little while and then reconnected. I was happy to have him in my life again but I don't think he was too thrilled, at least that is what I was sensing. I wasn't really sure what to think of it at first because I was just happy to be speaking to him again, but when he started dating what's-her-face, he would stop talking to me for a while. Then they would break up and he would tell me about it and be all miserable. Then they'd get back together and I wouldn't hear from him again. I wanted to have a better relationship with him or at least have it the way it was before our encounter. I realized that it would never be that way again to I made a choice. I asked myself:

Is this really the kind of person that I want in my life? Is this the kind of person that I want to love?

I made one last effort to show him how I felt and he chose not to acknowledge it so that is when I gave him the boot. The sad part of it all is that he never made an effort to try to redeem himself. So now I feel like he's happy to have me out of his life, so once again I lost me excitement about giving someone the ol' heave-ho.
It irritates me to know that he doesn't care and now all i want to do is hurt him, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want him to suffer 2 year's worth of pain like I did. He took 6 years of my life and and screwed it up completely. The first 4, I must admit was the best, but the last two were hell for me and I want him to pay!!!!

I want someone to mess with his mind and his heart; I want someone to take advantage of him; I want someone to use him; I want someone to drive him to suicidalness. I want him to know how it feels to be treated like dirt by someone he loves. I don't want him to die because that would be letting him off the hook. He needs to be scarred like I am.

The thing that I want most in the world is for him to come to me face to face, kneel down before me, take my hand and give me a 20 minute long apology, which I will gracefully accept because whatever pain that I would be able to inflict on him, no matter how great, will fail in comparison to the torture he is going to experience in HELL!!!

Sense and Sensibility

Will I ever find my Colonel Brandon?

I was watching Sense and Sensibility yesterday with Kate Winslett and Emma Thompson. I had seen the movie once before, but this time I was able to relate to Marianne's character. She fell in love with a man who practically saved her life and her heart was broken when she found out that he was with another person.
Willoughby and Marianne shared a passion for art and poetry and life. They had such a connection and even though the words were not spoken, they loved each other. I would tell you the rest, but it is too complicated, so you just have to see the movie. The part that really got to me was when Marianne stood at the top of the hill looking over at his house, in the rain and repeated his name over and over again. I have lived that moment, the moment when you feel complete hopelessness. The moment when you would rather die than live another day without the person you love. It's not a good thing to feel, trust me.

In comes Col. Brandon who fell in love with her the very moment he heard her sing and play the pianoforte (which was the beginning of the movie/book). He, of course stepped aside when he knew that she loved Willoughby. All he wanted was her happiness. At her complete low, he came to her rescue and became devasted when she fell ill. He did what he could to see that she had what she needed and stayed by her side while she recovered. She eventually fell in love with him and they married.
I apologize if I spoiled the film/book for you, but I just wanted to express that I have had a very hard time in the love department because of a particular someone. Now he is with someone else and I am standing in the rain watching from afar. I would like to one day be rescued by my own Col. Brandon and live in eternal bliss while Willoughby stands on the hill watching from afar.

Nude art

I found a blog that is concentrated on Nude Art. It is really cool and not at all perverted. We take the naked body and distort it into something taboo. This reminds us f how beautiful the human body is no matter what shape or color.
We are so busy caring about what to wear or how whatever we are wearing makes us look that we forget to stop for a second and appreciate what God/Allah/Jehova or whichever deity you believe in gave us.

Angry!!!

Normally I try to keep some positivity when i'm angry, but these past couple of weeks are really pissing me off.

First i find out that the dude went back to his thrice ex-gf, and i don't even find out from him because apparently I'm not cool enough to tell stuff to anymore.

Second, yesterday I went shopping and I bought a cool shirt from Ashley Stewart. I get home and I find out that the dumb bitch forgot to take the security tag off of it. So I spent half an hour sawing that thing open trying to find a way to take it off and i managed to take it off but of course i also managed to put a teeny hole in the shirt.

Thirdly when i got home yesterday from shopping, I was torn between getting chinese or pizza and i ended up getting chinese though i really wanted pizza. So I'm all happy with my chicken wings and fried rice and when my dad comes home what does he bring? CHICKEN WINGS AND FRIED RICE!!! WTF, I should have bought the pizza so I could have had both. So I'm sitting in my room and I'm sick of chicken at this point so I save it for the next day (today).

Fourthly, I get my chinese today to eat it and I'm halfway through a piece of chicken and guess what happens. The tooth that is supposed to get fixed on Thursday gets cracked, so now they can't just fix it with a filling, they might have to remove it completely.

Fifthly, I call the dentist office to see what i should do and those idiots have my brother's name for the appointment. Dumbasses! so I tell them that it's me and they tell me that I have to wait till thursday to get everything fixed.

Sixthly, my driving test is tomorrow and I feel like I'm going to fail it again cause all of this bad stuff has been happenning to me.
Seventhly, tomorrow night was the night I was SUPPOSED to see a concert with Joey, but he can't come and I don't think I'll ever see him again.

I'm really looking forward to Friday afternoon cause I'm going to visit Mollie and I get to wear my two new shirts and my cute wedge black suede-ish opened tied shoes. it's gonna hurt like a bitch, but fuck that cause by then I'll be a toothless, single, nondriving, unemployed whench.
On the upside, I'm gonna look cute and stuff while I'm in AC and I get to be with a good friend of mine and I think we are going to do another video to put on youtube. hahaha, can't wait.

Defeated

I don't know why I let myself get pulled into this emotional rollercoaster everytime. His memory is stalking me and I don't know how to get rid of it. If I cna't be with him, then I don't want to think about him at all, but there he is asking me for advice or telling me about some girl that he's with. I am so jealous of this girl and it is all because of him. I don't even know her. For all I know, she could be a very nice girl who is just a little confused, but in my mind, she is a little bitch who is pulling this guy backwards and forwards and has him wrapped around her finger.

It just makes me sad to hear about him getting hurt and I can't be there to help him out. If I can't be with him, I could at least be there for him, and that, I can't get right. I wish he understood what was going on in my head and he would know how I feel about him and how I feel about her. I don't want to hate either of them because that is a very strong feeling and it is too much negative enegry being disbursed into the air.

I just realized that he and I have something in common. She keeps messing with his head and he keeps going back to her; she drives him crazy and he leaves her. He keeps messing with my head and I get drawn to him, then he goes back to her and I get all depressed again. He chooses to still be friends with her and I choose to still be friends with him, but I think we both know that it would be better for our phyches if we had no contact (me with him and him with her).

How do you let go of someone you never had in the first place? I must have had him at least for a minute. At least I thought I did when he was all over me telling me he was all mine. So how did he slip through my fingers? I guess I'll never know because I'm never going to ask him. I don't want to put myself through the pain of finding out that:
A- he was lying just to get me in bed
B- I did something wrong
C- he didn't think I felt that way about him

How am I supposed to live with myself after that? He was the Liberty Beau who came for his Jersey Whore. Now what? Maybe I should look at his situation with this girl as a blessing. I get my revenge on him by having that other girl mess with his head. So I guess it's not such a bad thing. So yay! I want him to feel the way he's been making me feel for all this time.

This is me coping with failure

I am so Fuckin pissed off right now. I had my road test today and I ::gasp:: failed. I was nervous as hell, I hadn't eaten anything before and the administrator was a jackass.

Why was he a jackass? Well before the test even started, the only words he ever said to me were scornful. "Why are you here so early? Are you def?" Right then and there I wanted to smack him upside his head.

He was a fat, ugly white man with gray nails and the seat belt hardly fit. He obviously hadn't been laid in forever. I think that every administrator should be required to have a friendly disposition. If you look like an asshole, you get booted.

Sure, I got too close to the cone and tapped it a bit, it's not like i killed someone or hit another car. Is tapping a cone really grounds for failure. It was so early on in the test too; everyone should be allowed one extra chance. I know I'm a good driver and it really sucks that I needed a white man's approval today.

Normally, I'm not racist, but today, I'm going to make an exception. I keep getting screwed over by white men and I think that means I need to stay away from them.
Mike- white, x-boyf, gay
Tom- gay, choir director, flake
Driving guy- fat, ugly and and a jackass

I do feel really bad for the driving guy though. I may have failed the road test, but I still get another chance. He, on the other hand, will never get another chance because once your dead, your dead and you can't go back and try to be a better person. I'm not trying to curse anyone, but I'm just saying. We all know where bad people go.

I think I'm allowed to be bitter right now. God doesn't let me get excited about things. I was excited about getting my license. Everytime I'm confident about something, something always comes back to bite me in the ass.
Wesleyan
Joe
San Francisco

That is why I'm normally depressed and negative about stuff. Once I show a sign of happiness, that is when all hell breaks loose.

I'm bitter dammit!!!!

Opportunities II

I am freaking out right now because now that I have started my volunteering, the people there want me to do other stuff for them too and I don't know how to respond to them. I'm already in the choir so that is already two committments that I have with the church. Then there is Brother Patrick who thinks that I would make a good teacher, so he wants me to temporarily replace a teacher that is going on maternity leave.

I really want to accept it but I'm afraid that it is going to take over my life and I don't want to be a catholic school teacher for the rest of my life. There's nothing wrong with that, it's not completely for me.

Then in comes Delores who first wants me to join the magazine committee where I would have to proofread and maybe write stuff of my own for the magazine. That is something closer to what it is I would really want to do, but I don't think it is a paying gig. It's experience, and that is a plus for future stuff. I practically said yes to that already and I don't think it would take much out of my times so I'm not completely worried.

She also wants me to be a coordinator for a youth ministry. So I'd have to lead meetings and organize retreats and fun stuff for kids. Now that is a pretty small committment and it pays. So should I accept or no? I want to but if I accept everything, then I won't have time for myself or any kind of romantic life. I have a feeling that if I get too involved with my church, it is going to become my life and I'm going to end up joining a convent (no joke). I don't know what do so or say, but all I know is...

I NEED MONEY!!!!

Changes can be good

My household usually consists of four people doing their own thing. patrick is playing video games in ihs room, Pop is in hte livingroom watching soccer, I'm in my room on my computer and my mom is floating around everywhere complaining about it all.

A couple of days ago, this routine was broken when my mother and I decided to watch tv together and we managed to watch a whole episode of Gilmore girls and and entire movie, The American President, without any complaints. Then out comes my mom with:

Mom: I wanted us to watch tv together so we could be like Lorelai and Rory. I wanted us to talk.

Now I'm staring at her wondering what to say. My mother and I have only 4 things in common. We love Gilmore Girls, Jesus, watching movies and eating.

Yesterday, I finally got the chance to tell her how I feel about her. Lately she has been pushing me so hard in every which direction and it was really frustrating me. So yesterday, while my dad and I were at the PA house, my mom had a Parent support group thing to go to with my brother. They talked about frustration and how to deal with it. One of the ways to deal with it would be to talk to the person that is frustrating you and I told her that doesn't work all of the time because that person could be stubborn as hell and refuses to hear what you are saying.

So I finally got the courage to tell her how I felt. It started out with her talking about al of the things that frustrate her. She realized that she cared too much about everything and she made them her life. I told her that she needed to let go a little bit and she wouldn't be as stressed.

With that, I told her that she has been focussing too much on my life situation and I told her that she needed to let go a lot.

Me: you push people so hard in every which direction without knowing where you want them to go and one of these days you are going to push someone off a cliff.

Mom: (in her crazy haitian accent) Whaaaaaaat!!

Me: you're not going to kill someone, but could be so torn that you drive them crazy and right into an asylum.

So my mom finally realized that she needs to step back and let me do things on my own. Let's see how long that lasts.

The perks of dating Jesus

If Jesus had a girlfriend or a wife, that woman would be the coolest woman on the Earth. Oh!! the things that she and her (son of) Man would have done. Let me list them.

1. Wine whenever you want it.
2. The perfect diet of fish and bread.
3. Moonlit walks on the river Jordan.
4. No need for health insurance.
5. Free furniture (cause he's a carpenter)
6. Sailing all of the time
7. Watching him save lives
8. Every date is the perfect date, calming storms, birdies chirping

Of course, with perks come disadvantages.

1. No privacy cause God's always watching.
2. Sometimes a girl need more than fish and bread.
3. Overbearing Jewish mother
4. 12 dudes hanging around all the time, you'd think they were all named Tyrone

HAHAHA. I Love Jesus!!!

Opportunities

God works in mysterious ways.

Recently, a lot of doors have been opened for me. I started getting free singing lessons from the choir director, Alissa. She is so nice and such a sweetheart. She said that I have a great voice and I have an awesome range. She also said that she would look out for auditions and bring them my way.

I also started volunteering at my church. It's a little lame and the dog is crazy, but it is something to do while I'm looking for work. It keeps me out of the house.

I've been looking on the internet and newspapers for jobs and I've been sending my resume everywhere. Two days ago, I found an ad for a recptionist needed in NY. I emailed my resume and they called me yesterday to schedule an interview. I could have either done it todayor friday. I had plans for both days but I decided to do it today after my dentist appointment. I got all nervous and stuff cause I thought that I was going to be numb while I was having my interview, but to my surprise, the dentist people had to reschedule so I was free this morning and went for my interview. Everything went fine, i think. Oh well.

I'm kinda pissed that my dentist apt was changed cause I wanted to get it over with. I guess it was for the best.

Now my good friend is continuously having troubles with this girl and I secretly feel that it is the perfect time to tell him how i feel about him, but then I don't want him to think of me as the rebound girl or worse, as some lunatic who has a huge crush on him.
Of course I'm not going to tell him cause I'm a punk and I'm scared as hell of what his reaction might be. I'll probably wait forever for him. He might never feel the same way thatI do, but if he does, I think that we could be great together.

If what they say about love is true, then I think:

I LOVE HIM

Lying for Love

For those of us out there looking for love, I bet that we all find ourselves watching romance movies and swoon in the end when everything turns out right for the lovers. Even though all of the movies have different titles, they all still have the same plot. Person A loves Person B. A lies to get B's attention and affection. A and B fall in love. B finds out the truth. A and B break up. B comes back and had that "I love you even though you lied to me" moment. Happy Ending!

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT! Fuck that!

The only thing that sucks about that whole scenario is that the world thinks that it actually works that way. We embellish on our resumes to get the perfect job. We wear heals, corsets, makeup and God know what else to make ourselves look more desirable. What we forget to remember is that, even though we get what we want by lying, the truth always comes out.
We stress ourselves out by maintaining the lie, and when it comes out, we feel like our world has been shattered.

GUESS WHAT!!!
The world doesn't end because you are 5'9", 230lbs, Afro-American, unemployed, single and unhappy with yourself.

News flash!
God gave you your life for a reason. Don't go changing what he made because you can't make improvements on perfection.

If you find yourself having to lie to attract the person that you think might be the love of your life, obviously that person was not meant for you. Sure, there may be the select few cases where everything works out, but life isn't scripted and you have to work with what you have.

I'm getting sick of people telling me that if I were thinner or if I wore makeup, then maybe I wouldn't be single right now. It's amazing that these people are still alive, considering my temper. The problem, though, was that I believed them. Sometimes I wouldn't eat or consider making myself sick afterwards. I'd look in the mirror and try to find something that might be seen as attractive. I started doing things that people wanted me to do, in hopes that they would like me a little bit. Once they started to like me, they became my whole life. I stopped doing things that I liked so that I could satisfy them.

I lost myself.

Once I took a hard look at what I was doing, I thought to myself (once having been a big fan of those romantic films) if these people really love me, then they will accept the real me.

XXX

Guess not. I didn't get my happy ending.

So what am I saying to all of you people who,I'm sure, are not reading this?
Be yourself. Love yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval. When you are lying on your death bed, you won't want to think about whether or not you pleased someone else satisfactorily. You would want to look bad on the times when you were most happy being yourself.

Releasing my emotional baggage

I'll tell you my problems, you look at me with disgust and I walk away in shame.

Why have I decided to air out my dirty laundry? Well admittance is the first step to recovery.

Well the root of every girl's problems goes straight back to her mother. My mother is a lunatic. I want to love her, I try to love her. Yesterday, she came home from work and I saw her outside with her hair flowing in the breeze and I thought to myself, my mom is really beautiful. Then she comes inside and tells me that I have to go to church with her. Normally I'm fine with that, but it was an all new episode of Gilmore Girls and I didn't want to miss it. Call me sacreligious but Jesus knows I have nothing but love for him. He told me so. Anywho, she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. She proceeded to say that I was a burden and that I need to grow up. Now I'm thinking to myself, why did this bitch have to ruin my day. I was making progress and then she had to open her mouth. I'm at home looking for work and trying to get skinny per her request and she comes home and continues to kick me while I'm down. Now that was just yesterday.
Now there is my sister, the overachiever, the semi-genius, the perfect one. All my life I have had to live up to her. I tell her my problems and she calls me pathetic. She tells me her problems and I'm supposed to be supportive. I cut all of my hair off because I'm depressed and she calls me dumb. She cuts her hair off because she's depressed and she is a poor brave soul who has found the courage to start over. THAT HEIFFER!!!
The only person at home that I feel comfortable around is my little brother. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot like my sister does. He doesn't make me feel like garbage like my mother does and he doesn't make me feel like a human punching bag like my dad does. The only problem is that he has Down Syndrome so he has no idea what I talk about and half the time I can't understand what he says.
I don't have a job, a boyfriend or any friends that live close so I have nowhere to go. I don't have my license yet so even if I had someplace to go, I'd have no way to get there.

Shall I continue?

Image issues: from the neck up, I'm fine, everything else is a mess. I don't believe it when people say that I look good because my family never said it to me. I'd always hear "you would be so pretty if you lost weight". "Maybe you would get a boyfriend if you dressed nicer, lost weight and wore makeup." I used to be (ahem) top heavy, but I fixed that, but now I'm scarred for life (physically and emotionally)
Romantic issues: almost every guy that I was interested in was either gay or completely not interested. Apparently you have to be drunk or deperate to approach me.I have to admitt that there was one that was genuine but...
I think that is all that I can think of for now. I'm a bit miffed and I wish I had a couple of drinks in me.

My mother is crazy

She is making it really hard for me to love her.