Defeated

I don't know why I let myself get pulled into this emotional rollercoaster everytime. His memory is stalking me and I don't know how to get rid of it. If I cna't be with him, then I don't want to think about him at all, but there he is asking me for advice or telling me about some girl that he's with. I am so jealous of this girl and it is all because of him. I don't even know her. For all I know, she could be a very nice girl who is just a little confused, but in my mind, she is a little bitch who is pulling this guy backwards and forwards and has him wrapped around her finger.

It just makes me sad to hear about him getting hurt and I can't be there to help him out. If I can't be with him, I could at least be there for him, and that, I can't get right. I wish he understood what was going on in my head and he would know how I feel about him and how I feel about her. I don't want to hate either of them because that is a very strong feeling and it is too much negative enegry being disbursed into the air.

I just realized that he and I have something in common. She keeps messing with his head and he keeps going back to her; she drives him crazy and he leaves her. He keeps messing with my head and I get drawn to him, then he goes back to her and I get all depressed again. He chooses to still be friends with her and I choose to still be friends with him, but I think we both know that it would be better for our phyches if we had no contact (me with him and him with her).

How do you let go of someone you never had in the first place? I must have had him at least for a minute. At least I thought I did when he was all over me telling me he was all mine. So how did he slip through my fingers? I guess I'll never know because I'm never going to ask him. I don't want to put myself through the pain of finding out that:
A- he was lying just to get me in bed
B- I did something wrong
C- he didn't think I felt that way about him

How am I supposed to live with myself after that? He was the Liberty Beau who came for his Jersey Whore. Now what? Maybe I should look at his situation with this girl as a blessing. I get my revenge on him by having that other girl mess with his head. So I guess it's not such a bad thing. So yay! I want him to feel the way he's been making me feel for all this time.