Does anyone else feel hot?

Have you ever felt so angry and scared and broken that you felt like your body was going to burst? You want to cry and scream and hit something, but you have so much self control that all you can do is shiver. You feel the urge but you don't do anything about it even though you are alone and there is no one there to look at you funny or judge. You want to voice every expletive you know in every language that you know, but all you allow yourself to say is "darn".

I should have gone to the gym today to let all of this energy out. I can feel the electricity in my fingertips and it seems that typing is good for me right now.

So you are wondering why I'm feeling the way I am, well if you've read my past blogs, you would know a little bit of why. I'm pissed about my romantic situation. Now add intellectual frustration along with feelings of insignificance and the lack of a support system.

Intellectual frustration because I work with children all day and I can call myself a teacher all I want but all I really do is deal with screaming babies, change diapers and try hard to keep them from throwing up on me. I'm a glorified babysitter with no benefits and no glory. I have to do whatever it takes to keep those babies safe and healthy but I have no insurance so if something happens to me, I'm screwed.

Upside: At least I have a job. There are a lot of people out there who don't have jobs and have so much hope in their hearts and get disappointed everyday.

Feelings of insignificance because I'm at this job where I have the most education and I'm just an assistant. I keep finding guys who don't think I worth sticking around for. My work friends aren't my real friends; they have their interesting outings and don't bother to invite me. I have all of these ideas in my head and no one around to listen. (I have this blog and no one reads it unless it's on the Ning).

Upside: At least I have a working computer, a roof over my head, people to talk to at work and Nerdfighters who like to show support. (Thanks!!!)

Lack of support system because my parents aren't around and they don't understand any of this because they are busy telling me stories about how they lived when they were still in Haiti and had to help support their many brothers and sisters. They have no sympathy for me and they refuse to try. My sister lives on the other side of the country and is almost done working on her PhD, so obviously, she is too busy for me. My older brother would be supportive if he didn't live in Florida with his new family.

Upside: At least I have a family. There are lots of people walking around here who are completely alone.

Any way, I know that something good with happen to me soon because I'm really close to hitting rock bottom and that is generally when something good comes around to pick you back up. Maybe it will be my trip to Montreal next week. I get to see my grandmother and my aunts, uncles and cousins. I've been looking forward to this for a while and I haven't seen them or been out of this country in over a year. I finally get a vacation from this silly country and the crazy people who drive me insane everyday. I just hope my aunts don't get all "you should improve yourself by doing this and this and this and this". I am so tired of that and I would rather not hear it.

Ok, I think I'm done for today. Enough of the pity party, though tomorrow might be the same way. I hope you don't mind. I apologize in advance.

Done with the man (warning, Rated R-ish)

So yesterday, my friend Courtnee and I hung out for a little bit and we went shopping for some stuff. She needed to get some special shaving cream so we ended up going to a *gasp* Sex store called Condoms Galore. I was so scared and embarrassed to go in there. I was thinking, "Lord, I hope no one sees me go in there, please, Lord please."

So I'm in there and I figure, why not get a box of condoms. I'm seeing someone and it has gotten to that level, so why the heck not. Now I see the selection of condoms there and I have no idea what the heck I'm supposed to get, so I ask Court (who is 5 yrs younger that I am) and she chooses Trojan ribbed for her pleasure. That was my first ever condom buying experience.

So while I'm there, I look around to see what else they have. So there's the ususal "toys" and I'm thinking, "Hmm, I think I want one. Since I'm here, I might as well go all out." So whatever "toy I get, it has to be purple because that is my favorite color and if I am going to get something that is going to be my new virtual best friend, it has to be my favorite color. What did I end up getting you ask? I got a rabbit. If you know what that is, mmhmm! If you don't then don't worry about it. What made it funny was that there was an Easter sale on all rabbits, HAHAHA 25% off of all rabbits.

So we go to the mall afterwards and while we are there, the guy I'm seeing calls and says that he wants to "hang out". I shorten my time with my friend and I go home to prep. Well I'm not the neatest person in the world, but I'm not ridiculously messy either. I had a few dishes in the sink and my bedroom floor had some clothes on it so I had to tidy up a bit.

Anyway, not much happened, but he confirmed that he was moving away and I got a little sad. Get this, he didn't understand why I was feeling sad. Men! So today was my last day of seeing him (his is currently driving to Pittsburgh) and I wanted us to share a proper "goodbye". Now he's gone and I am so happy I got my rabbit (I think I'll call it Morgan). I'll never see him again, or maybe even talk to him again.

Hmm, look at that, I'm over it. HAHA!

Booooooo!

Ok, so I got attached. We had only gone out a couple of times and I already got attached. Now he tells me that he's moving to Pittsburgh for work and I probably won't see him again.

I'm feeling many different things right now. I'm sad because I feel like I can't get a guy to want to stay with me. I'm angry because when I see him, he's all over me and when we're apart, I hardly hear from him. That could be because he is so busy with work or he thinks that his time with me is just a fling. I'm depressed because it seems like this keeps happening to me and I'm pissed the fuck off because I can't even show my anger since that will make me look needy and whatever.

I hate this whole dating thing. It is driving me crazy. I would much rather be alone than have to deal with this.

Anyway, I'm going to see him tomorrow. It might be the last time I see him so hopefully I won't have any disturbances and I can give him a piece of my mind.

When it came to contacting him for the first time, I had reservations. When it came to seeing him, I had reservations. I heard from him so little that I began to think that maybe I didn't want to see him again, but now that he is going away, I don't want him to go. I don't know what to think anymore. We'll see how tomorrow goes (if at all) and we'll go from there.

Thank God It's Friday

Today could have been the worst day ever. Work was crazy as hell. Those babies would not stop crying. I'm nearing the end of the dreaded curse which means I get my scheduled headaches.
So...
screaming babies+ curse+ headache= hell on earth!

It was raining this morning which I didn't mind all that much and I'm normally the first one to work and after me comes two coworkers and their kids. Other kids start coming in and already there is mayhem.

One kid poops all over the place while mom drops off and then poops again after mom leaves. I have to call mom to come back because it's diarrhea and they can't be here with that. My favorite kid falls and bites his lip resulting in a huge gash and there is drama.

Then my boss decides to be all angry around me, and I just don't want to hear it. I don't like her, I never liked her and I never will like her.


So anyway, I had to deal with a crazy boss and crazy kids and I was just tired of it.

Stuff

I went on a nature walk today and took some cool pictures along the way. I'll post all of them in my other blog http://bellerivierefiction.blogspot.com, but here's a sneak peak at a couple of the pictures.


It looks like someone loves someone. I found this while I was walking out of my development to get into the woods by Bushkill Creek. At least someone is getting some love.












I wanted to take a nice picture of myself amongst the nature, but the only way I could look decent and natural was if I looked away. So I looked to the heavens and I said, "Lord, I better look good in this picture." Then the Lord and I looked at it and we both said it was good. haha















Now, this is some prettiness. This is a view of Bushkill Creek here in Easton, PA.













This is a captured moment when Maureen Johnson was on blogtv last night doing her seagull impression, and playing Cupid for the Nerdfighters. That woman is crazy as hell, but I love her.













Here is a screen cap from "Lost in Austen" that I really wanted to share. Yes that is Fitzwilliam Darcy and no that is not Elizabeth Bennet.

Randomness

Well, here we go. Thanks to Maureen Johnson, I have decided to blog everyday in April (BEDA).

So most of my blogs are pretty much about guys and my issues with them and all of that craziness so I have a new topic.

I know we've all had friends who felt compelled to say "I've gone through hell looking for the right guy/girl." Normally you would respond with "well it's pretty hard nowadays, but you'll find him/her."

I was thinking about this recently and I was like "Well why would you want to find your perfect match in hell?"

I know that what they really mean to say is that they have gone through a lot to find someone to love, but is love really worth all of the trouble? Shouldn't the whole process of finding someone be a pleasant thing?

Hmm. maybe not

I guess Love is the reward and you have to go through some hard times to reap that reward.

Focus, Focus, Focus!!!

Hiya!

So, I decided to get back on the horse with my life. Even though I'm still a little depressed about the break up and still being at this dead-beat job, I feel that the only way to make things better is to do just that... make things better.

I can't just sit here and act all "woe is me, my life sucks, nothing good will ever happen to me". I need to be proactive.

I want to write, but I haven't been writing as much as I should.

I want to sing in front of an audience, but I'm too shy to get back into that all over again.

I want to create more art, but I've lost the inspiration.

I want to work out more and lose weight, but I get so tired and worn out before I get to the gym.

Well, no more!

I am going to finish a story!
I am going to choir rehearsal!
I'm going to let everything inspire me!
I am going to live in that gym! 60 lbs lost by December if it kills me!

I made a promise to myself and, what kind of person would I be if I lied... to myself? Normally I'm the type of person who wouldn't make promises. I know how hard they can be to be kept. People have promised me things and I've always been let down and now I am letting myself down. I don't want to do that. I want to be a reliable person and the only way that can happen is if I start with being true to myself.

I'm almost 25 years old and I'm still trying to figure things out. I don't know what kind of person I am yet. I'm still growing and learning things about myself and about the world around me. I'm still learning who to trust and who not to trust.

I'm seeing a new guy (I call him Arry) and I owe it to myself (and sort of to him) to stay enthusiastic about everything.

And so, I shall!!

Frustration

I am so frustration with the male gender.

anon (5:09:08 PM): you

anon (5:09:09 PM): are so beautiful

anon (5:09:14 PM): i would be so honored to be your man

Can you believe this nonsense. This guy that I am kinda talking to says all of the right things, but I am not physically attracted to him no am I even trying to be with anyone right now. He talks a pretty good game, but sometimes he manages to come out with these randomly jerky things like.

anon (5:31:48 PM): aw okay

anon (5:31:50 PM): gimme a kiss

anon (5:31:52 PM): for shits sake

anon (5:31:53 PM):

me (5:32:04 PM):

anon (5:32:17 PM): bye hunny

me (5:32:23 PM): bye

Are you serious? How are you trying to court me by demanding a kiss? An online kiss for that matter, a colon, a dash and and asterisk. Makes absolutely no sense to me, but whatever floats your boat.

Anywho, I don't know what to do about this guy. He may very well be a good guy with some interesting idiosyncrasies, but I'm not perfect either. I want to give him a shot simply because I don't want to be alone forever, and I need to date more, but I don't want to feel trapped with him or hurt him in anyway. I just don't want to be alone. I'm not trying to use anyone because I wouldn't want anyone to do that to me and I don't have respect for people who take advantage of others.

I'm not a bad person and I don't want to be associated with bad people, but dang it the last time anyone looked at me romantically was in July and that was 2 days before he told me that I wasn't good enough for him. Hmm, still can't get over it, hunh? Nope, guess not.

Out of sight out of mind vs. Absence makes the heart grow fonder

What happens in a relationship when the two people are far away from each other? Do you miss your loved one so much that you love them even more or do you completely forget about them because they are not around?
For me, I am the type of person who would constantly think about the guy that I am with whether he is with near or far away. I still think about the guy I dated 6 months ago. Although I think about the guy all of the time, I think less about my family when they are not around. Perhaps for me, it is because I know that my family will always be there so I don't have to worry about them or my standing with them, but when it comes to the guy, I have no idea how long our relationship will last so I am going to constantly think about it.
Is that all it is? Can someone get so comfortable in a relationship where they wouldn't have to think about it as much? Is that a sign of a healthy relationship or a failing relationship? I have absolutely no idea.

I'm only asking these questions because I am getting sick of being with a guy and have him talk up a good game long enough to get me and then once he's finally got me, he acts like he doesn't care anymore and just throws me away. I know I'm not trash and I know that I am worth much more than that, but why am I always the one to care more? Why cant there be a guy who cares enough about me to think of me every once in a while and isn't creepy or anything like that? I just want a guy I like and likes me back to tell me once in a while that he misses me and can't wait til we can be together again. I don't want to come off as selfish or anything, I just want to know that it is actually possible to have someone have genuine feelings for me. I want to know that is it possible for a guy to miss me enough that he would get a little ache in his chest knowing that I am no longer with him like I do all of the time.
I don't like feeling this way. I don't want to have a flash of my ex and still long for him, knowing that he is already 5 months in a relationship with someone else after 6 months of breaking off our 2 month relationship with the excuse: I want to date around and see what else is out there.

Grrrrr! Mr. "You're perfect in every way, but I haven't dated a lot and I want to have that experience before I settle down"

Grrrrr! Mr. "It's only been 2 months, but I'm not in love with you yet so I should just end it now"

The sad part of this is that I know he hasn't thought of me at all in 6 months, but I have been of him everyday since May 23, 2008, when we started writing to each other.

I'm so pathetic.

it sure has been a while

Yes, it certainly has been a while. I haven't really had much to write about lately. Work still sucks and, I don't go out so I don't meet people. I'm not dating anyone or hanging out anywhere, though I did do some research on this town for future reference. Mostly I looked up places where I would like to hang out if I were to have that awesome job, and some friends who were into that kind of thing.
It seems that every time I go out to hang out with my friends we always go bowling, which I don't mind, but they bring their friends or they meet people there who have no teeth and wear pants below their asses like I want to see that. I don't want to be all judgmental or anything, but really, what happened to standards? I'd at least want to be a round someone who has the common sense to at least take care of their teeth or know the appropriate times to wear a damn belt. I mean come on!
Every day that I am a work, I see someone's ass crack. I don't want to see that! An I want to know who it was that found that attractive enough to marry and procreate with the provider of the ass crack. Obviously it isn't someone with common sense or standards.

Anywho, what else to talk about? I'm on twitter now because a guy friend of mine asked that I joined. Well I found some interesting people to follow so that is what I was doing all last night, well that and eating a heart shaped pizza.
I need to find new stuff to read and I need to finish what i was writing. I read all of the Twilight books and fell in love with them so I think I want to fall in love with a new story. Got any ideas?

Break-ups

So, in my last post, I mentioned something about seeing someone and that went great for a little while until he decided to be totally random and pull the "it's not you, it's me" thing (in an email, no less).
This is the email (no, I don't mind if you read it.):

Dear Regine,
I'm writing you this letter because I need to express to you my feelings, and I'm better at expressing myself in writing than I am verbally. I also want you to truly hear what I'm saying to you and I'm afraid that you might not hear all the positive in person or over the phone. Regine, I have had so much fun dating you and being your boyfriend over the last month and a half. You are the best person I've ever met on match.com and I feel like we share so many interests and values in common. Let me just list a few of the qualities I appreciate in you:
. You have a great sense of humor and always know how to make me laugh. I also love making you laugh.
. You're intelligent and driven and have strong values and know what you want in life.. You're attractive, stylish, sexy, a great kisser and know how to turn me on.
. You're open-minded, easy-going and adventurous and that makes going places with you really fun.. I love going on walks with you and talking about anything at all.
. You're caring, affectionate and a great listener and I have always felt like I can trust you and tell you anything and everything.
. I love having drinks with you and watching you get all silly. I can't help but smile from ear to ear whenever I think of going to Steel Garden with you.
. You're accepting of me and all my faults. I'm far from perfect, but you've always made me feel good about myself, handsome, and adequate.
. You've opened my eyes to a lot of things and I've learned so much from you.. I love that you like animals and have always shown an interest in the things that interest me and make me happy.
. I love that you have a pretty voice and can dance and have so many other feminine virtues and qualities.
And the list goes on.What I'm trying to say is that you are a wonderful girlfriend and friend to me. Nevertheless, I know that you can sense there is something wrong and since truth is a value that we both strongly believe in I need to tell you how I feel. Honestly, Regine, I feel like before I can commit to you, I need to have the opportunity to date more women. The fact is that I've dated very few women and I feel a strong need to continue to date for a while so that I know what is out there and can learn what I really want. I want you to know that I haven't been seeing anyone, going on dates or cheating on you. Honesty is important to both of us, so I want you to know that I have been exchanging a few emails with women on match.com. That has been going on for about 2 weeks and I want you to know since I don't want to keep anything from you. Most likely if I end up going on dates with these women they won't be right for me and won't compare to you, but I feel like I need to find out for myself and not lose this learning opportunity. Dating you has been absolutely wonderful and I am trying to make you understand that this is about me and not you. You've done nothing wrong and everything right and I'd like to be able to continue seeing and dating you if you are ok with that. I can certainly understand if you are not ok with that and don't want to see me again, but this is nothing personal and I don't want to anger or alienate you. I also know that you haven't dated much either, and I want you to date more guys as well, so that you too can learn more about yourself and what you want in a relationship.All this is coming up now because I feel guilty for not being as good a boyfriend to you as you deserve and I know I can be. I pride myself on being a good boyfriend, but I haven't been as good a boyfriend to you as I want to be because I didn't want to lead you on and make things worse. For example, I've wanted to bring you flowers for a long time now, and I know they are long overdue, but I felt that it would send the wrong signal when I at the same time feel like I want to date some more. Likewise, I haven't been as affectionate and complimentary to you as I would like to be. That's also why I haven't brought you home to meet my parents. I want them to meet you very much, but I was afraid to take that step and advance our relationship because I don't want to lead you on anymore than I'm afraid I already have and I certainly don't want to hurt you. I'm so sorry if this is hurting you Regine. I've been crying while writing this because it hurts me to think that I'm hurting you. You've been absolutely wonderful to me and it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone. Sadly, the very nature of dating means that someone's feelings are always involved. I hope this letter has helped you understand how I feel. Again, you've done nothing wrong and I would like to continue seeing you. Yet I also feel like I need to date a few more women so that I don't always wonder "what if?". I hope you can understand that I'm trying to do the right thing. I also hope that if you feel you no longer want to date me, you will still value our friendship (now I'm crying again) because I've had more fun with you over the last couple months than with any of my guy friends. You are truly a pleasure to be around.Finally, I just wanted to say that I would love to talk to you about all this in person. I only wrote you this first because I wanted to express myself clearly and give you a chance to decide if you would be willing to see me again and discuss our relationship. Please respond to this email or call me and let me know how you feel and what you would like.
Paul

This is how I responded:

Paul,
I lied to you yesterday when I said that I was in a mellow mood after you told me that I seemed sad on the phone. I was very sad, and I had no idea why. Today at work, I had the biggest headache in the world and it only got worse as the day went on; I figured it was just the heat. I suppose I should believe people when they say that I have psychic tendencies. I must say that your email was well written, and I can't be too angry with someone who just wants to be honest with me. The truth really does hurt, whether you are telling it or hearing it, though I have to admit, it is much worse being on the receiving end of it. I had to read your email several times so that I can understand it as a rational human being rather than the pissed off girlfriend. I guess I see where you are coming from, and it would be better to talk about this in person. I've got some questions (15 to be exact)that need to be answered before I am able to make a decision. I called you a couple of times already and I guess no one was home (it was probably for the best). By the way, I read my horoscope today and this is what it said: "What does it mean to be a friend? The answer to that question is a little bit different for everyone, which will become all too apparent today when someone you relied on lets you down one more time. You two need to have a talk, and you need to have it today. Honest communication doesn't always feel that pleasant, but it is the only way to get things back on track. If you have expectations that they aren't fulfilling, they need to know about it." It's funny how the universe works.
Regine

Now I thought that I was being super clever with that response, but after realizing that there was no response to it, I later found out that he never received it. Weird, hunh?
So yes, we did talk on the phone after that and we decided that he can go off and do whatever he wants to do and I will have no part of it. I'll still be his friend (and I was serious about that. I take my friendships very seriously).

Now, back to his email and what he told me on the phone (i really wish I had a transcript of that conversation). Apparently I was this great girlfriend, I think he used wonderful and amazing a couple of times. If I'm so wonderful and amazing, why is he looking for something else? Some people would come to me and say, "why do you care so much? You only went out for 2 months." I know that two months is a short time, but our relationship was like a really great massage. You don't know how long it's going to last, but you are having the time of your life while your having it and then the thing that you want to last forever suddenly stops. It's natural to get disappointed, and the better the massage, the more disappointed you get.

We broke up a month and a half ago so I should be over it. I'm almost over it, but the thing that I can not get over is his self-deprication and his having nothing but good things to say about me. If he's so flawed and I'm so wonderful then what makes him think that he is capable of finding someone better than I am?

I'm scared that he actually will find someone better and he'll want nothing to do with me. I keep imagining this "Persuasion-esque" situation where years from now, we meet up again and we're both single and he tells me that he's never forgotten about me. In the off chance that he does want me back how will I know that it is because I'm the only one for him and not because he can't find anyone else so he'd rather settle?

I know, I do think too much, but that is what happens when you have so much " should be on a date" time.

Wow, long time, hunh?

Well, there is a lot to discuss.

Work: I'm working the early shift with very annoying people and kids that like to come in earlier than they are supposed to. I'm getting paid a little bit more, and when I say a little bit I mean a little bit. At least I have a permanant room and I get to work closer with people that I do like.

Right now I've teamed up with my sister to work on my resume and stuff so that I can look like the perfect candidate for writing jobs. I'm pretty much open for any reasonable job that requires a brain and pays over $10/hr.

Home: Still living in this house by myself, but I really don't mind it at all. I like having this place to myself and I finally got over my fear that soemone might sneak up behind me in the dark and try to rape me or kill me.

Social: I'm still a homebody, but I really don't care. I just go to work and come back home. I walk around with my head down or I walk fast so I don't have to deal with people. Sad, I know but it's easy. My coworkers are my friends though so I at least get to see them every weekday. All we do is talk and joke around and watch the babies.

Personal: I think I have a boyfriend. I met him on match.com and he is really sweet. We have a lot in common. He's really smart and really sexy. He's exactly what I was looking for and I hope it lasts.

ok, that's it for now. Hopefully I won't take as long to write in here.

A Start

Alright, so I am still working at this crap-ass job with these people who do not appreciate the things that I do for them. Every single day that I am at that day care, I say to myself (as I am on my hands and knees cleaning the floors and the toilets) "I did not go through boarding school and college for this."
Last year when I went to the NY Hill Reception, I was so embarrassed to be standing in froont of these people who had much better things going on in their lives than I do. I saw my old teachers and my fox of a track coach, and every second that I talked to them, I felt as if I had let them down. I saw the headmaster and his wife and they were looking at me like I was a daughter that they hadn't seen for years. All I could think was, "What the hell am I doing here? Why did I want to come here?"
The night before, I was so excited to see everyone and when it was over, I felt like a complete failure. At least back then, I was able to say that I was singing and I was giving back to my community by volunteering at my church. What can I say now? The reception is coming up this February and I don't think I have the guts to go. Other than having to pay $55 to go, and whatever the cost for transportation, I don't think I can look these people in the eyes again and say, "Hi, I work at a day care as an ass-istant teacher and all I do is change diapers and clean toilets."
I told myself a long time ago that I did not want to teach (I don't really remember the reasoning behind that, but there you have it). I think back then, I thought that I would have come to my senses and fought for everything that I wanted, but no; I'm still the same push-over as ever. I lack the "go-for-it" mentality that everyone is trying to push into my head. I want it, though. Very much! So what am I going to do to get it?

HMMM.......


Well I know that however I go about this, it will have to be in baby steps because I know myself too well. Whenever I through myself into something I through myself out and I give up.
Well first:
I have to sit and think (positively) about what it is I really want 1. for right now and 2. for the future.

Second:
Work on my right now goal (I'm not calling this my short term goal because this is something that should have been done last year) while keeping the future in mind.

Third:
I have to incorporate others in this because I cannot do this by myself. This means that I have to get some connections and I have to turn the people that I already know into supporters. I need as much positive reinforcement as possible because I have a feeling that I am going to encounter many discouraging arseholes.

Fourth:
I have to eliminate my obstacles. I will not fraternise with frowners, downers, pinchers, lynchers, asses and the general negative masses.

I just need to remember that this is my only chance at getting the life that I want and deserve. I've already wasted 2 years of this precious life. That is time that I will never get back. This may sound selfish but until I have children, I am my primary concern. I should be satisfying myself before I even think about someone else. I'm all I've got.

Over to 2008

Wow, one more day and the year is over. This is so crazy. This year has been a mountain of literal ups and downs for me.

Downs
1. Joe
2. Sacred Heart Drama
3. Family drama
4. Crap job
5. Living in this house all alone
6. No longer singing
7. Gaining weight

Ups
1. Went to London
2. Won Shano's "name my painting" contest
3. got a car
4. Eileen and Alissa
5. Brotherhood 2.0 and the Nerdfighters
6. Courtnee
7. Weekend with Charlie and Kim
8. Weekend with Michael

Ooh yay, one more up than down.

New Year's Resolution

1. Lose weight
2. find somewhere to sing
3. Write more
4. Get a better job
5. Save money
6. update wardrobe
7. date
8. go to church every sunday
9. practice flute and keyboard
10. smile more
11. follow my heart
12. stick to the list especially 1,2,4,8, and 11 and 12.

The Truth

There are two reasons why people tell lies. 1. To keep themselves from looking like the bad guy and 2. to spare the feelings of others. We prefer to tell lies, and we prefer to hear lies (as much as we say that we want the truth).

Your man cheated on you and you know it's true but there is a feeling inside that wants it to not be true.

The reason for all of this is because the truth hurts. I know (or knew, not sure where our friendship stands) a guy who cares a great deal about me. He was always honest with me, which was once a blessing, but now, not so much. We flirted a lot, so much so that we really regretted living so far away from each other. Either was, space could not control how fond we grew of each other. Or so I thought.

Recently I found out that as I was falling for him, he was falling for another. Well, I didn't find it out, he told me point blank, "I really love this woman". (this woman, i.e. not me). Of course, I was jealous, but I knew that I had no control over the situation and knowing the person that I am, I care more about other's feelings rather than my own, so I figured that I would hold my feelings in and just be there for him. In time he realized how I felt, I guess my facial expressions and suddenly distant attitude gave it away. So I was honest with him, and in turn, he was honest with me. He said, "Regine, I'm sorry I don't feel for you the way you'd like me to. I'm sorry I don't love you the way I love ___."

I cried like a baby for about an hour, not only because what he said hurt me, but because I knew that he sincerely meant it. I knew that he didn't say it to hurt me, but to be honest with me. At that moment, I really wished that he had said something assholish so I could, at least, dismiss him and run around calling him an asshole. So now I feel so stupid 1. for letting this happen to me AGAIN, 2. for falling for someone that I knew, with every fiber of my being, that I couldn't have and 3. for having the kind of "friendship" that we had.

I can't even hate him because he never mislead me, I can only hate myself. In the off chance that he reads this, I have to face the guilt of making him feel bad, so I just don't win. Although, this may be one guilty feeling that I will have to accept, because at least now, he'll know the truth.

Adjusting

I'm beginning to adjust to living here in Easton, PA all by myself with the pretty often weekend visits from my parents. I found a part time job at a day care center and I find myself falling in love with a lot of the children. I'm wondering what sort of future I'm going to have once I'm completely settled here. Will I be working at the day care center forever? Is this what I am meant to do along with my creative endeavors? I just want to make sure that I will be able to do the things that I really want to do with my life. I don't want to be stuck in a position where I won't be able to get out and go in a new direction.
My parents are constantly taking it upon themselves to to find more stable jobs for me. I know that they are stressing themselves out and they refuse to listen when I say that I have things under control. I appreciate their efforts and their concern, but they really have to let me do things for myself. I also have to realize that I'm not a kid anymore and I need to stop relying on others to help me out all of the time. I truly need to practice what I preach.

I do have some more good news, the first being me with a job; I have a car and I didn't even have to buy it. My uncle and his family were generous enough to let me use it until it completely collapsed. It's about 15 years old and it is sturdy, so I believe that I have a couple of years with that car until I can gather up enough money for a new one. I am so happy that I have people in my life that would do something like that for me. It makes me regret thinking that I was ever alone and unloved, though there are days when I still feel that way.

I'm starting to have some friends here which is nice. I was a friand that I would be stuck in this house forever just going back and forth from home to work. Well, alright, it's just one new friend, but still, it's something. I'm just sorry that now she is going to have to put up with my flighty, flakey, self-righteous yet self- depricating personality. I'm not that awful, but I have my moments.

Can't we all just get along?

I know that sounds corny but it is a question that still holds true, and I have a feeling, will continue to hold true for a long time to come. I am a young, American black woman and I want to be proud of the country that I live in, but I am sad to say that I am somewhat ashamed of it. The United States was once seen as the land of opportunity; it was the place to be if one wanted to have a better life. People from all over the world thought that the place that everyone called "America" was "the land of the FREE and the HOME of the brave".
About a decade before I was born, my parents came from Haiti to live in the U.S because they believed that they would have a better chance at a happier life. As I was growing up, they taught me that in this country all I had to do was study hard and keep my faith in God and I would be able to be whatever I wanted to be when I grew up. I graduated from college, and I sing in my church choir. I haven't touched my dream goal yet, but I know that if I keep trying and if this country keeps trying, we all can reach our dream goals. WE just need to stop preventing each other from getting there.
It could be the stupid game of "If I can't win, then I won't let you win" or "To get what I want, I have to take away what you have". That's not fair, is it? Why can't it be "To get where I want to go, I have to take a few people along with me" or "If I want to feel good, I have to help make some other people feel good". Why can't we all realize that life is a journey, not a competition. We should be doing whatever we can to help each other along this journey and instead we are holding people back from their dreams. Back in the day, if one wasn't a straight, blond hair blue-eyed white Christian man, opportunities were guaranteed to be limitted.
Even though we have come a long way, true equality has yet to show its face. We all live in the same country and we "supposedly" pay the same taxes, but we don't all have the same rights. The majority of this country is supposedly Christian, although many people in this country are of different faiths. I don't think Jesus ever said to close our doors to whomever is different; I'm pretty sure he said to love our neighbors as ourselves and to do unto others as we would have done unto us. We are all people and we are made the same way, we have hearts and minds andwe do the same things with them.
We may not have the same belief system but with every religion and every moral code there is one goal, and that is to live a good life. So, is it good to deny other people certain rights or privileges just because they are different? I thought this country was celebrated because of its diversity. Apparently this country would rather have homeless starving children flock the streets than have them live in loving environments with gay people as adoptive parents. This country would rather have AIDS and other STDs spread around the country than allow a gay person the normal human right to be in a legal committed relationship sealed with vows and a certificate. Who the hell do we think we are? Why don't we just get off of our high horses, loosen up our ties, kick off our shoes and just chill. We're all human. Karma can be a b!+(# sometimes, so whatever you emitt, you absorb threefold.

I know that this country is going through a tough time right now (karma) but if war is absolutely necessary, how about a nice game of chess instead? Whoever wins 2 out of 3 games wins the war. No one has to die just because two grumpy old men can't settle their differences.

Please don't arrest me for treason or something like that because that would be mean and because that would be showing the country's low self esteem for not being able to take one person's criticism.

Still no luck

Job: This month has been extremely and ridiculously not in my favor. I told myself that I was going to be employed by my birthday and that day came and went. This is so frustrating because I see the looks on my parents faces and I know that they are very disappointed in me. Sure, there are a lot of good things that I have done in my life, but they will always focus on the negative. I'm still young though and I have plenty of time, but they look at me like I'm a lost cause. I've had a few interviews this month and I really thought that I was going to get lucky. Even my friends are starting to look down on me and I'm just afraid to show my face in public. I'd like to think that my lack of luck is due to God trying to put me in the right place to find the right thing. I really hope that is the case because I've had a year's worth of rejection and I really can not deal with another disappointment.

Love: Yay! I'm completely over Joe. That is definitely something to celebrate. My "friendship" with Arik is interesting, but I don't like to tell people about that because even though it is real, the nature of it is borderline fantasy-like. All I can say is that he is beginning to take up Joe's space in my... heart. Anyway, enough about him. I met this guy a couple of weeks ago and he says he is eager to see me. "I just want to see your pretty face"... um... ok. Well, if that is the case, why did you stand me up 3 times? Yeah, 3. The third time was just me being stupid because I knew better, but there was something in me that thought, maybe he will turn around and surprise me. That was not the case. He wasn't even my type. He definitely turned me off to Black men in general and Haitian men in particular. I've told myself that I would never be in a relationship with a Haitian man, so I'm not at all disappointed with this situation. I'm just mad at myself that I let it get to 3 stand-ups. Once again, I'd like to think that it was God looking out for me; he doesn't want that guy in my life and neither do I.

Social: Last night was so cool. I went out to dinner with my friends Alissa and Eileen for my birthday (six days after the actual date). We had dinner at Macaroni Grill and went to the movies to see Knocked Up. That movie was so ridiculous. Way too many drug references, and "fuck" had to be the most used word with "the" in a close second. It was funny as hell though, not as funny as Hot Fuzz, but still funny. Alissa's moving on to bigger and better things, Eileen's got the coolest husband and what I think to be a cool life and here I am still at home with people who can't stand to look at me. I know that people have their good things and their bad things so I can't be completely jealous of them. I'm sure I'll be singing a different tune when I'm older. I just really want some goodness to come my way so that I can prove all of these naysayers wrong.

Reading

Ok, some of you may know that I have been spending my spare time reading. I've lost count on how many books I read in the past year. Let's see if I can lsit them all:
1. Summer-June
2. Summer-July
3. Summer-August
4. Jane Eyre
5. Pride and Prejudice
6. Persuasion
7. Girl Interrupted
8. Like Water for Chocolate
9. Sula
10. One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (didn't finish)
11. Sense and Sensibility
12. Mansfield Park
13. Paradise Lost (currently)
14. Equus (currently)

I'm sure a more intellectual person would have read more books than that, but it's hard to read in a home full of people who like to bug me. Well, after having been in school for so long, I forgot what it was like to read for fun. I've even decided to take reread the books that I've read in school because back then, I was just reading them as fast as I could so I could get whatever assignment done. Now that I have no pressure on me, I want to go back and find out why it was necessary to read those books. I want to answer the question, What was so great about the story that we needed to study it and write papers on it.

On a different note, today is a pretty good day. I wrote a poem, I'm feeling very comfortable even though I'm surfing the crimson wave. My pants fit and I'm going for sushi with Alissa and Eileen. My 23rd birthday is coming up in about 2 weeks and i'm a bit excited for that. I have a job interview set up for next week and I hope I get it because I need money and I need good dental insurance. What would be really cool though, would be if I got a job at McGraw-Hill or John Wiley and Son's. Those are two pretty cool publsihing companies that deal with educational texts. I really hope one of them hires me. I'm praying!!! I'm really hoping someone good hires me. I don't want to settle for anything, I want to start out with something that will help me grow in what I want to do.
I know that this may be weird to say, but I can feel goodness coming toward me and I know that if I hold on just a bit longer, it will finally reach me and I will be happy. I'm staying positive. OOOh, I can't wait till tonight to hang with the girls. It really is great to have friends that genuinely are about you.

Officially Over

Well, whatever feelings I had for Joe are officially gone. My heart no longer has a space for him. We were friends, once, and we crossed that line. At first I was alright with it because I thought that something wonderful was going to grow from it, but instead, there was nothing. Then I thought we could at least be friends, but how can one be friends with someone who only stays in contact when he has no one better to talk to? I don't deserve to be the fall back friend. I've only ever put him on a pedestal and I apparently was nothing to him. I was enough of a thought to have him add me to facebook, but I wasn't enough of a friend to have him tell me that he was having a baby and then getting married (yeah, in that order cause he can't keep it in his pants, the nasty freak).

So, he's married now and his (seven years his junior) wife is seven months pregnant. I remember days when he would come to me to tell me that she was driving him crazy and that there were points when he couldn't stand her. Hmm, makes a girl think.

To celebrate this occasion, I decided to seriously take him out of my life. I tore up all of his pictures, deleted him from facebook, my phone and aim. I even went through every single comment he has ever left me and deleted those too. It's a little hard to get him out of my head, but at least I can picture him in painful positions, i.e. in a guillotine (a normal sized one and a little one for little Joe), in a bathtub with a hairdryer or radio, or with a noose around his neck.
I just hope the poor girl wises up and divorces his ass and takes him for everything he has and he'll be living on the street with no legs, pushing himself around on a messed up skateboard. :) That would be nice. That would be justice.

I can picture it now; I'm walking down the street looking fabulous, on my way to the Pulitzer Prize award ceremony, where I will be receiving one for my latest book. Joe's rolling down the street and he sees me and he calls out my name. I look his way, and there he is, on his crooked skateboard looking a hot mess. He tells me he's sorry, I accept his apology and I go receive my award.

That would be lovely.

My Trip

I was in London exactly 1 month ago, and I can't believe it has taken me this long to write about it.
<-- That is how I wish I looked while in London, but I'm a little bit more of a porker with the same general hairstyle.

Well it was my first time ever in Europe and I felt completely at home there. I was so happy to see Charlie again and I was also happy to get out of the house. I was there for a week and I stayed at Charlie's place which was so good for me because I'm unemployed and broke as a mug. Kim was only able to make it for a day, which shows true friendship. (I haven't spoken to her since then, I should give her a call.)

The wedding was really nice and short (thank God) but it managed to sneak an emotional moment in its 30 min time span. Charlie's mom (R.I.P) made it to the wedding and even though she was sick, I could tell that she was very happy to see her daughter get married. I had never met her before that day, but I had spoken to her on the phone and she was such a sweet woman. She must have been a really cool mom to have raised really great children like Charlie and her brother. She passed away exactly a week after the wedding and I really wish I was there for Charlie, but I know that her husband is there for her.

After the wedding, they showed me around. The first night I was there I got to see Billy Elliot the musical; I saw Windsor Castle, where the queen lives; I saw Buckingham Palace, and we went to the London Zoo. I had a really great time. I wish I had gotten to see the London night life, but that will give me a reason to go back. O.k. not just for the night life but to be in friggin London. Hope fully by then, I'll actually be able to afford my trip and maybe I'll be able to stay there longer.

So, here is a list of countries that I really really really want to go to and why:
France- cause I speak french and who doesn't want to go to France
Italy- I hear Italian men really like black girls
Ireland- The pubs
Spain- The music and the men
Germany- The Beer and Arik <3 (don't ask)
Greece- the decendants of Greek warriors
Australia- I need to perfect the accent
Japan- the fashion
India- to meet Aishwaria Rai, she's really pretty

I haven't been to many US states (is that redundant?) but I don't really have a list of which ones I want to visit yet. Oh well.

My music playlist

Not news to me

Well apparently I'm only half weird. Good to know.

You Are 50% Weird

Normal enough to know that you're weird... But too damn weird to do anything about it!

How Weird Are You?

And this just in...

You are The Empress

Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.

The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents,
beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home
decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.

The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?
Take the Test to Find Out.

Alright, so I have some news. Nothing completely serious but still exciting to me, therefore, I shall share. Next week, I'm going to Montreal to visit family for Easter. Usually, I'm only ever there for the weekend, but now I'm going to be there for the week. I just hope people don't bug me about things I don't want to talk about like, men, my weight and work.

After that, I'm going to England for the first time ever to visit my very good friend Charlie and be in her wedding. I am so excited. It's going to be my first overnight flight, my first trip to Europe and my second time on an airplane by myself. I'm mostly excited to see Charlie again and to see what London is like. I'll be away from my family, which isn't always a bad thing.

My singing is getting a lot better. Alissa, my friend and choir director, gave me some music from Wicked to learn and I am so excited. I love Defying gravity, but not the way that is it arranged in the book, the original version is loads better. I'd love to learn No Good Deed; that song is off the chain like Defying Gravity. She burned the cd for me and I can't stop listening to it. I love it so much. I've also been having a bunch of solos to do for mass. I love doing them and it makes me feel good to see Alissa's face when I'm done with a song; that is all the glory I need. It's rather awkward having people come up to me and telling me how great it was. I guess I just don't take compliments well. I just look down and say thanks.

I made a couple more collages, I think they are pretty cool but I can never get a good picture of them. Let me know what you think:

Love?

What is it about love that has got everyone on the defensive?
Yesterday was Valentine's Day and all you hear is either:
1. Love is great, love love. (or)
2. Love sucks, I hate love.

Why do all of these love-enthusiastes or anti-love advocates feel the need to come out on this one day of the year? Having these people around really confuses the others who really have no opinion on the subject. I'm one of those people who isn't sure what to think. I want to love love, but there are so many things happening to me that make me hate it.
Last night I was lying away thinking about my past brushes with love and what happened to make them past and not present.
There are only two men that I felt I loved, Joe and Michael. Right now they are both Pennsylvania men whose only tie to New Jersey is me. The are men that I have had some sort of strong relationship with and now they are men that I no longer speak to.
So why don't I speak to these guys anymore? Well it's simple really.

They Broke Me

When I was with them, I belonged to them. They didn't belong to me. I don't think they even wanted to be mine. I felt like I was in a relationship with them but I guess, looking back, that it was more of a master/ slave sort of relationship. I had great friendships with them, or at least I convinced myself that I did. As the friendships became stronger They were the ones that wanted to take the next step. I guess that is typical male behavior. They see a girl that is giving them attention and they want to see how far the girl will go with them.

Michael was my high school thing. We were 15 when we got together and two months later we weren't together anymore. I really liked him and after we broke up, I still liked him. During the rest of our friendship, I spent most of it wanting desperately to recreate a special moment that we had. That, of course, would never happen again because he was finally honest with me and I realized that we would never have a second chance. I finally got over it a little bit after I met Joe.

Joe was another high school thing that turned into a college thing. Our whole friendshit was centered around instant messenger. That is where we met and that is where our friendship was. We flirted a lot and we talked on the phone a couple of times. He was a really nice guy and after 4 years of talking, I felt that I could trust him. So in February during my junior year of college we decided to meet for real. (happy 2 year anniversary of that by the way). I used to call that day the best day of my life, now it's a day that I wish I could forget. I know they say that everything you experience is a blessing because it teaches you something about yourself. Well I think I could live without that experience. There are days when I look back on it and and swoon and there are other days when I just want to die. It would be really cool if I could do what Clementine did in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. I really want to erase all memories of him. Every single one! Well after that wretched day, we met up again, but after that we hardley spoke. It really felt like he was avoiding me and that lead to a whole year of not speaking. I don't know what lead to it. So in March last year we spoke again and he apologized. Stupid me accepted and we were friends again. I never told him how miserable I was before that. I just really wanted him back in my life. But of course that did not last because he started dating someone (7 years his junior) and apparently they are in love now and are about to have a baby. I really don't want to be happy for him. In fact I feel so sorry for the girl. She got sucked into his trap and now she has no way to get out of if. The sadder part of the situation is that she thinks she is really happy. She has no idea what she is missing out on. When he leaves her, which I know he will, she is going to resent her child and she and the child will be screwed up.
Well I stopped talking to him because he seemed to fall off of the face of the earth when he was with her and then need me when they were broken up. I couldn't deal with it anymore. It might have been very selfish of my but if I wanted to be happy, I couldn't have him in my life anymore. I haven't spoken to him since December.

Even though I've experienced this with the two guys I still want to know what love is. That is the one thing in life that I really want to experience. I know that there is someone out there for me. I want to prove these pessimists wrong but right now all of the evidence is pointing in their favor.
Love will always be a hard and touchy subject for me, but no matter how much it breaks me, I'll always look at it with wide doe-y eyes.

My Celebrity Look-Alikes

http://www.myheritage.com

An Announcement: Daniel Radcliffe

You have seen him grow up before your eyes, from playing young David Copperfield to a 15 year old Harry Potter. Now at 17 years old, not only is Radcliffe a phenomenal actor but he is also very HOT!!!

He is starring in a London play "Equus" where he plays Alan Strang or whatever the character is called. Either way, the point is, HE'S NAKED.

"Equus" premiered on Brodway in 1973 and won a Tony Award, and now it is making a big comeback in London.

Don't take any of this info as official because I am still learning about it but I would really like to see it one day and throw Daniel a sweatshirt cause he's NAKED. hahaha

In Honour of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.

(This is the speech he gave that helped change the world)


I am happy to join with you today in what will go down in history as the greatest demonstration for freedom in the history of our nation.

Five score years ago, a great American, in whose symbolic shadow we stand today, signed the Emancipation Proclamation. This momentous decree came as a great beacon light of hope to millions of Negro slaves who had been seared in the flames of withering injustice. It came as a joyous daybreak to end the long night of their captivity.

But one hundred years later, the Negro still is not free. One hundred years later, the life of the Negro is still sadly crippled by the manacles of segregation and the chains of discrimination. One hundred years later, the Negro lives on a lonely island of poverty in the midst of a vast ocean of material prosperity. One hundred years later, the Negro is still languished in the corners of American society and finds himself an exile in his own land. And so we've come here today to dramatize a shameful condition.

In a sense we've come to our nation's capital to cash a check. When the architects of our republic wrote the magnificent words of the Constitution and the Declaration of Independence, they were signing a promissory note to which every American was to fall heir. This note was a promise that all men, yes, black men as well as white men, would be guaranteed the "unalienable Rights" of "Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness." It is obvious today that America has defaulted on this promissory note, insofar as her citizens of color are concerned. Instead of honoring this sacred obligation, America has given the Negro people a bad check, a check which has come back marked "insufficient funds."

But we refuse to believe that the bank of justice is bankrupt. We refuse to believe that there are insufficient funds in the great vaults of opportunity of this nation. And so, we've come to cash this check, a check that will give us upon demand the riches of freedom and the security of justice.

We have also come to this hallowed spot to remind America of the fierce urgency of Now. This is no time to engage in the luxury of cooling off or to take the tranquilizing drug of gradualism. Now is the time to make real the promises of democracy. Now is the time to rise from the dark and desolate valley of segregation to the sunlit path of racial justice. Now is the time to lift our nation from the quicksands of racial injustice to the solid rock of brotherhood. Now is the time to make justice a reality for all of God's children.

It would be fatal for the nation to overlook the urgency of the moment. This sweltering summer of the Negro's legitimate discontent will not pass until there is an invigorating autumn of freedom and equality. Nineteen sixty-three is not an end, but a beginning. And those who hope that the Negro needed to blow off steam and will now be content will have a rude awakening if the nation returns to business as usual. And there will be neither rest nor tranquility in America until the Negro is granted his citizenship rights. The whirlwinds of revolt will continue to shake the foundations of our nation until the bright day of justice emerges.

But there is something that I must say to my people, who stand on the warm threshold which leads into the palace of justice: In the process of gaining our rightful place, we must not be guilty of wrongful deeds. Let us not seek to satisfy our thirst for freedom by drinking from the cup of bitterness and hatred. We must forever conduct our struggle on the high plane of dignity and discipline. We must not allow our creative protest to degenerate into physical violence. Again and again, we must rise to the majestic heights of meeting physical force with soul force.

The marvelous new militancy which has engulfed the Negro community must not lead us to a distrust of all white people, for many of our white brothers, as evidenced by their presence here today, have come to realize that their destiny is tied up with our destiny. And they have come to realize that their freedom is inextricably bound to our freedom.

We cannot walk alone.

And as we walk, we must make the pledge that we shall always march ahead.

We cannot turn back.

There are those who are asking the devotees of civil rights, "When will you be satisfied?" We can never be satisfied as long as the Negro is the victim of the unspeakable horrors of police brutality. We can never be satisfied as long as our bodies, heavy with the fatigue of travel, cannot gain lodging in the motels of the highways and the hotels of the cities. *We cannot be satisfied as long as the negro's basic mobility is from a smaller ghetto to a larger one. We can never be satisfied as long as our children are stripped of their self-hood and robbed of their dignity by a sign stating: "For Whites Only."* We cannot be satisfied as long as a Negro in Mississippi cannot vote and a Negro in New York believes he has nothing for which to vote. No, no, we are not satisfied, and we will not be satisfied until "justice rolls down like waters, and righteousness like a mighty stream."¹

I am not unmindful that some of you have come here out of great trials and tribulations. Some of you have come fresh from narrow jail cells. And some of you have come from areas where your quest -- quest for freedom left you battered by the storms of persecution and staggered by the winds of police brutality. You have been the veterans of creative suffering. Continue to work with the faith that unearned suffering is redemptive. Go back to Mississippi, go back to Alabama, go back to South Carolina, go back to Georgia, go back to Louisiana, go back to the slums and ghettos of our northern cities, knowing that somehow this situation can and will be changed.

Let us not wallow in the valley of despair, I say to you today, my friends.

And so even though we face the difficulties of today and tomorrow, I still have a dream. It is a dream deeply rooted in the American dream.

I have a dream that one day this nation will rise up and live out the true meaning of its creed: "We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal."

I have a dream that one day on the red hills of Georgia, the sons of former slaves and the sons of former slave owners will be able to sit down together at the table of brotherhood.

I have a dream that one day even the state of Mississippi, a state sweltering with the heat of injustice, sweltering with the heat of oppression, will be transformed into an oasis of freedom and justice.

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day, down in Alabama, with its vicious racists, with its governor having his lips dripping with the words of "interposition" and "nullification" -- one day right there in Alabama little black boys and black girls will be able to join hands with little white boys and white girls as sisters and brothers.

I have a dream today!

I have a dream that one day every valley shall be exalted, and every hill and mountain shall be made low, the rough places will be made plain, and the crooked places will be made straight; "and the glory of the Lord shall be revealed and all flesh shall see it together."²

This is our hope, and this is the faith that I go back to the South with.

With this faith, we will be able to hew out of the mountain of despair a stone of hope. With this faith, we will be able to transform the jangling discords of our nation into a beautiful symphony of brotherhood. With this faith, we will be able to work together, to pray together, to struggle together, to go to jail together, to stand up for freedom together, knowing that we will be free one day.

And this will be the day -- this will be the day when all of God's children will be able to sing with new meaning:

My country 'tis of thee, sweet land of liberty, of thee I sing.

Land where my fathers died, land of the Pilgrim's pride,

From every mountainside, let freedom ring!

And if America is to be a great nation, this must become true.

And so let freedom ring from the prodigious hilltops of New Hampshire.

Let freedom ring from the mighty mountains of New York.

Let freedom ring from the heightening Alleghenies of
Pennsylvania.

Let freedom ring from the snow-capped Rockies of Colorado.

Let freedom ring from the curvaceous slopes of California.

But not only that:

Let freedom ring from Stone Mountain of Georgia.

Let freedom ring from Lookout Mountain of Tennessee.

Let freedom ring from every hill and molehill of Mississippi.

From every mountainside, let freedom ring.

And when this happens, when we allow freedom ring, when we let it ring from every village and every hamlet, from every state and every city, we will be able to speed up that day when all of God's children, black men and white men, Jews and Gentiles, Protestants and Catholics, will be able to join hands and sing in the words of the old Negro spiritual:

Free at last! Free at last!

Thank God Almighty, we are free at last!

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining

So things are actually starting to look up for me. I don't want to jinx it but I've actually been smiling a lot more than I used to.

I have a new friend and he is very nice to me. He's taking my mind off of the bad stuff, i.e. JS. We've been talking for a couple of months now and we flirt a lot. Now he's teaching me and it's really fun. I think I missed academic life and he's kinda bringing that back for me. Too bad he's in Greece cause I'm happy he's my friend and if he was here, I think he'd actually make a great boyfriend. Don't tell him I said that.

Anyway, I still don't have a job yet, but I'm one step closer to getting one. I'm with a temp agency in NYC and they are going to help me out. I'm not doing that church youth group thing anymore so I'm happy about that.

I finished reading Persuasion by Jane Austen and it was great. Now I'm reading Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. I enjoyed the movie and I remembered that my sister had the book so I was like, why the hell not. It's here so I might as well. I really like it so far and the movie is really not that much like the book. I'm not complaining though because it's great.

I'm still having up and down issues with my mother, but really, what woman doesn't?

I've been taking singing lessons and I have been having the time of my life with that. I have some crazy solos coming up in the next few weeks and I am so excited. I just hope I don't screw up or anything. Screw that, I won't screw up cause I am awesome!!!

Under the Tuscan Sun was just on. I've seen that movie several times and I love it each time. That movie reminds me that sometimes you have to go through some shit before things things get better, so just live your life, forget about what's bugging you and enjoy the good times.

It's a new year and I want to say a big thank you to the people who helped me get through last year.
Mollie, Arik, Dion, Joelle, Kareen, Shano, Charlie, Kim, Heather P, and some others:
Thank you for the laughs, tears, hugs, beers, prayers and ears. You all have inspired me in more ways than one. Thanks for making 2006 livable.

Josh Groban...

...is saving my life right now. I just found out that whats-his-face is having a baby and I'm depressed. So there is a song, "You Are Loved",that brings up all of these emotions but is reminding me that someone out there loves me and I shouldn't throw in the towel. Love is out there for me and I'll find it at some point.

Whitney and Britney wrote the soundtrack to my life

Right now I'm at a point in my life where I would really like to be with someone. I don't want to be alone. It's a new year and I think I'm ready for something new and real. No more fantasies! I want to be able to dance with someone. What I had before, if it was anything at all, was just a dream. A nightmare, really. It messed me up really bad that now when I think about him, I get crazy.

The first time I officially met him, I thought that he was THE one for me. I thought about him all of the time and I thought that we would really be together. That night was the best night of my life; I didn't want it to end and neither did he. It was perfect. I was falling for him and I didn't know how to tell him and I didn't know if he felt the same way. I was floating on cloud nine for a couple of weeks thinking about this guy who liked me that much, but there was always this nagging voice in the back of my head who really wanted to know how he felt. I wondered if he'd ever tell me. He never did. Instead I didn't hear from him for a year and that whole year I was miserable. He wasn't in my life and I felt like nothing. As the year sped along, I grew more and more comfortable. It was his loss. He didn't want to talk to me anymore, it's alright. But then I was stupid and I found him again and put him back in my life. He captured my heart yet again, but this time he was busy loving someone else. I tried to be a friend but I realized that I didn't just want to be his friend. I also realized that he would rather be with this other girl than with me. Now, after much soul searching, I understood that I deserved better than that and I didn't need this kind of pain in my life. I promised myself that I would never hate him, but that I would never love him either. If I ever see him on the street I'll only be kind to him because that is the stronger thing to do. Now, all I can say is "whatever". I can't change the past, but I can use the present to better my future. Sure I get tempted every once-in-a-while to want to see him, but I control myself and tell myself that nothing good can come from it. And now, here I am typing on my laptop wondering if I'll get another chance to love.

I guess what I really want to know is whether or not I will ever get a chance to live my life the way that I want to. All my life, all I have ever wanted was to experience love, true love. I'm 22 years old and I haven't had that yet. Apparently not even a glimpse of it. I can finally let go of the strings that have guided me like a puppet all of these years. I'm grown up now and I need to start taking control of my life, even if i don't know where I'm going .

Now when it comes to love, I don't know if I'll find it soon or ever. I want to have the real thing. If it's an online thing or a face to face thing, who knows, but anything is better than some average Joe

My Addiction

My current addiction is Old English novels. Jane Austen and the Bronte sisters are Godsends. In the past few months I have read Jane Eyre, Pride and Prejudice and now Persuasion. At first I started reading these books because I felt that I needed to. I thought that these were books that I should have read in high school. I am so happy that I made myself read them because I was missing out.

The one that I enjoyed reading the most was Jane Eyre. It was so amazing and I definitely felt her pain. I was able to relate to her character minus the happy ending of course, but i just loved it. I saw the BBC mini series on youtube and I was so happy I saw it. I wish I wasn't broke so that I could buy it on DVD.

When I was in Atlantic City, I saw Sense and Sensibility and I was hooked. I was Marianne. I haven't read the book yet but I need to and I know that I am going to love it so much. I'm very happy that I started reading again. I really needed it, seeing as how I have no life, I'd rather live vicariously through the characters.

Conflicted

Disclaimer!!! Anything that you read here that may seem disturbing is jut my way of venting. I will in no way cause any of the bad things that you will read about. I'm just blowing off some steam.



I am still learning who my friends are and I realize that I don't have many; I actually have very few. I don't just mean friends to hang out with, I mean friends who are there for me through whatever, whenever. That is why I have my family. My sister, my mom and sometimes my cousin Joelle are the ones who I can go to in my family and speak relatively honestly with them. But who do I go to when I get annoyed with them?

I want my friends to be genuinely excited to see me or to hear from me, and I want them to want to talk to me also. I have Kim Charlie and Mollie, three friendships that lasted successfully for several years and I am so grateful for that. I just wish that I was around them more often or they were around me more often so my life wouldn't be as miserable as it is.

I don't want to be miserable, I just keep finding myself in these situations where I need a shoulder to cry on and there is no one there for me and that makes me ever sadder. I made a decision a while ago to take someone out of my life. It was the hardest thing for me to do because I was in love with him. We used to be very good friends and after we had our encounter, we split apart for a little while and then reconnected. I was happy to have him in my life again but I don't think he was too thrilled, at least that is what I was sensing. I wasn't really sure what to think of it at first because I was just happy to be speaking to him again, but when he started dating what's-her-face, he would stop talking to me for a while. Then they would break up and he would tell me about it and be all miserable. Then they'd get back together and I wouldn't hear from him again. I wanted to have a better relationship with him or at least have it the way it was before our encounter. I realized that it would never be that way again to I made a choice. I asked myself:

Is this really the kind of person that I want in my life? Is this the kind of person that I want to love?

I made one last effort to show him how I felt and he chose not to acknowledge it so that is when I gave him the boot. The sad part of it all is that he never made an effort to try to redeem himself. So now I feel like he's happy to have me out of his life, so once again I lost me excitement about giving someone the ol' heave-ho.
It irritates me to know that he doesn't care and now all i want to do is hurt him, physically, mentally and emotionally. I want him to suffer 2 year's worth of pain like I did. He took 6 years of my life and and screwed it up completely. The first 4, I must admit was the best, but the last two were hell for me and I want him to pay!!!!

I want someone to mess with his mind and his heart; I want someone to take advantage of him; I want someone to use him; I want someone to drive him to suicidalness. I want him to know how it feels to be treated like dirt by someone he loves. I don't want him to die because that would be letting him off the hook. He needs to be scarred like I am.

The thing that I want most in the world is for him to come to me face to face, kneel down before me, take my hand and give me a 20 minute long apology, which I will gracefully accept because whatever pain that I would be able to inflict on him, no matter how great, will fail in comparison to the torture he is going to experience in HELL!!!

Sense and Sensibility

Will I ever find my Colonel Brandon?

I was watching Sense and Sensibility yesterday with Kate Winslett and Emma Thompson. I had seen the movie once before, but this time I was able to relate to Marianne's character. She fell in love with a man who practically saved her life and her heart was broken when she found out that he was with another person.
Willoughby and Marianne shared a passion for art and poetry and life. They had such a connection and even though the words were not spoken, they loved each other. I would tell you the rest, but it is too complicated, so you just have to see the movie. The part that really got to me was when Marianne stood at the top of the hill looking over at his house, in the rain and repeated his name over and over again. I have lived that moment, the moment when you feel complete hopelessness. The moment when you would rather die than live another day without the person you love. It's not a good thing to feel, trust me.

In comes Col. Brandon who fell in love with her the very moment he heard her sing and play the pianoforte (which was the beginning of the movie/book). He, of course stepped aside when he knew that she loved Willoughby. All he wanted was her happiness. At her complete low, he came to her rescue and became devasted when she fell ill. He did what he could to see that she had what she needed and stayed by her side while she recovered. She eventually fell in love with him and they married.
I apologize if I spoiled the film/book for you, but I just wanted to express that I have had a very hard time in the love department because of a particular someone. Now he is with someone else and I am standing in the rain watching from afar. I would like to one day be rescued by my own Col. Brandon and live in eternal bliss while Willoughby stands on the hill watching from afar.