Lying for Love

For those of us out there looking for love, I bet that we all find ourselves watching romance movies and swoon in the end when everything turns out right for the lovers. Even though all of the movies have different titles, they all still have the same plot. Person A loves Person B. A lies to get B's attention and affection. A and B fall in love. B finds out the truth. A and B break up. B comes back and had that "I love you even though you lied to me" moment. Happy Ending!

PFFFFFFFFTTTTTTTT! Fuck that!

The only thing that sucks about that whole scenario is that the world thinks that it actually works that way. We embellish on our resumes to get the perfect job. We wear heals, corsets, makeup and God know what else to make ourselves look more desirable. What we forget to remember is that, even though we get what we want by lying, the truth always comes out.
We stress ourselves out by maintaining the lie, and when it comes out, we feel like our world has been shattered.

GUESS WHAT!!!
The world doesn't end because you are 5'9", 230lbs, Afro-American, unemployed, single and unhappy with yourself.

News flash!
God gave you your life for a reason. Don't go changing what he made because you can't make improvements on perfection.

If you find yourself having to lie to attract the person that you think might be the love of your life, obviously that person was not meant for you. Sure, there may be the select few cases where everything works out, but life isn't scripted and you have to work with what you have.

I'm getting sick of people telling me that if I were thinner or if I wore makeup, then maybe I wouldn't be single right now. It's amazing that these people are still alive, considering my temper. The problem, though, was that I believed them. Sometimes I wouldn't eat or consider making myself sick afterwards. I'd look in the mirror and try to find something that might be seen as attractive. I started doing things that people wanted me to do, in hopes that they would like me a little bit. Once they started to like me, they became my whole life. I stopped doing things that I liked so that I could satisfy them.

I lost myself.

Once I took a hard look at what I was doing, I thought to myself (once having been a big fan of those romantic films) if these people really love me, then they will accept the real me.

XXX

Guess not. I didn't get my happy ending.

So what am I saying to all of you people who,I'm sure, are not reading this?
Be yourself. Love yourself. You don't need anyone else's approval. When you are lying on your death bed, you won't want to think about whether or not you pleased someone else satisfactorily. You would want to look bad on the times when you were most happy being yourself.

Releasing my emotional baggage

I'll tell you my problems, you look at me with disgust and I walk away in shame.

Why have I decided to air out my dirty laundry? Well admittance is the first step to recovery.

Well the root of every girl's problems goes straight back to her mother. My mother is a lunatic. I want to love her, I try to love her. Yesterday, she came home from work and I saw her outside with her hair flowing in the breeze and I thought to myself, my mom is really beautiful. Then she comes inside and tells me that I have to go to church with her. Normally I'm fine with that, but it was an all new episode of Gilmore Girls and I didn't want to miss it. Call me sacreligious but Jesus knows I have nothing but love for him. He told me so. Anywho, she made it clear that she wasn't taking no for an answer. She proceeded to say that I was a burden and that I need to grow up. Now I'm thinking to myself, why did this bitch have to ruin my day. I was making progress and then she had to open her mouth. I'm at home looking for work and trying to get skinny per her request and she comes home and continues to kick me while I'm down. Now that was just yesterday.
Now there is my sister, the overachiever, the semi-genius, the perfect one. All my life I have had to live up to her. I tell her my problems and she calls me pathetic. She tells me her problems and I'm supposed to be supportive. I cut all of my hair off because I'm depressed and she calls me dumb. She cuts her hair off because she's depressed and she is a poor brave soul who has found the courage to start over. THAT HEIFFER!!!
The only person at home that I feel comfortable around is my little brother. He doesn't make me feel like an idiot like my sister does. He doesn't make me feel like garbage like my mother does and he doesn't make me feel like a human punching bag like my dad does. The only problem is that he has Down Syndrome so he has no idea what I talk about and half the time I can't understand what he says.
I don't have a job, a boyfriend or any friends that live close so I have nowhere to go. I don't have my license yet so even if I had someplace to go, I'd have no way to get there.

Shall I continue?

Image issues: from the neck up, I'm fine, everything else is a mess. I don't believe it when people say that I look good because my family never said it to me. I'd always hear "you would be so pretty if you lost weight". "Maybe you would get a boyfriend if you dressed nicer, lost weight and wore makeup." I used to be (ahem) top heavy, but I fixed that, but now I'm scarred for life (physically and emotionally)
Romantic issues: almost every guy that I was interested in was either gay or completely not interested. Apparently you have to be drunk or deperate to approach me.I have to admitt that there was one that was genuine but...
I think that is all that I can think of for now. I'm a bit miffed and I wish I had a couple of drinks in me.

My mother is crazy

She is making it really hard for me to love her.

A Slide show

Finally

I finally decided to start writing something. I haven't written anything worth reading in a long time and if I want to be a writer, I have to start. I guess I have to learn to nag myself. I know that I will eventually hate myself for it but I have to do it. I have been around a lot of family this past summer and it got me on highs and lows. One minute I am very happy to see them and the next I wish they would leave already.
It has been a long time since I have been able to do the things that I wanted so I am having a hard time deciding what it is that I want. What I want to do, what I want to be, where I want to go. That sort of thing. Now I am in the point in my life when I really need ot sit down and htink about this stuff but I am so used to being told what to do, when to go to bed, what classes to take that now that I am on my own, I don't know what to do. I've always done things because I was told to and my doing these things would please whomever it was that was telling me to do these things. From that, I was programmed to be happy only when i pleased someone. When someone wasn't happy, I wasn't happy.
A couple of weeks ago, I was told to ask God to do certain things for me and if I said a specific prayer along with it, my request would have a better chance of happening. I wasn't sure if this really was able to happen but I gave it a shot anyway. So what did I ask God to do for me? I asked him to help my parents, my sister, my grandmothers, my brother and if it wasn't too big of a list to maybe help me too. When I was done with the list, I noticed that I wasn't first on it; I was last. How troubled do I have to be to put myself last on my own list?
I actually made the mistake of being happy today. I went to sleep depressed and crying, I woke up depressed and crying and then I got happy. I had pizza with my sister. I helped my brother with his homework. I did the Bing Bang dance to Lazytown and I felt good. Then, my mother came home and I made the biggest mistake of all. I told her that I was in a good mood. She reveled in it and managed to ruin it.

Top 50 Coolest People in the World (for me)

50. Teri "Hulk" Hogan: He's a great father, an awesome wrestler. Funny as hell.
49. Paris Hilton: On top of being at every single party there is, she still manages to take care of her own shit. Music, Acting, Modeling, Reality Show, Socialite- so much to handle.
48. Kelly Clarkson: Even though she is manufactured, she is still a great singer.
47. Christopher Knight: My favorite Brady, bar none!!! Good looking, Great body and snagged a model.
46. Tyra Banks: She's crazy as hell. She fits in with the ritzy glamorous life and the ghetto fabulous.
45. Bill Yinger: My high school track coach. I don't know what he's up to, but he was a pretty neat runner and thrower.
44. Jenny McCarthy: She made Playboy cool for me. She's not just a pretty face, but a down-to-earth sort of chick. Has a great sense of humor and I bet she's an awesom mom too.
43. Angelina Jolie: Very strong woman. awesome actress. stole Brad Pitt from another woman (sorry Jennifer, but hey it boosted your career.)
42. Lindsay Hartley: very beautiful woman. plays the greatest character on Passions. If she ever left the show, I would stop watching.
41. Tom Welling: HOT HOT HOT!!!! that's all I have to say, plus he's tall as hell.
40. Jason Cook: Plays Shawn on Days of our Lives. He's gorgeous!!!
39. Jason Mraz: Awesome song writer. luv luv luv him.
38. Bryan Eckhardt: Gorgeous as hell but doesn't know it, and don't tell him.
37. Josh Hartnett: The celebrity that is my perfect match. I just wish he'd fix his unibrow
36. Holly Marie Combs: Piper Halliwell in Charmed. awesome show and she kicks ass.
35. Adam Brody: Lovely
34. Rupert Grint: Ronald Weasley
33. Daniel Radcliffe: He IS Harry Potter!!!
32. J.K. Rowling: Come on now, she wrote Harry Potter
31. Drew Barrymore: She went through a lot in her life and she came out a winner. That's inspirational.
30. Nancy Body: Thanks for letting me stay at your place when I was visiting.
29. Caroline Lee-Adler: has the hottest husband. My senior english teacher in high school. Inspired me to become an english major.
28. Scott Wild: My sixth grade teacher. He was a very inspiring teacher and he was cute.
27. Alexis Bledel: Rory Gilmore, so beautiful and ridiculous
26. Ben Weisman: A good friend of mine from college who actually knows what it means to keep in touch.
25. Valerie Sarrette: My cousin, just cause she's cool.
24. Nicole Kidman: we have the same birthday(i think) and she divorced Tom Cruse.
23. Kit Weyman: cause he reminds me of Joe Stoltz
22. Adrian Brody: ooh ooh ooh That's a Jew I'd like to screw.
21. Shano: Awesome artist, awesome blog. not at all self involved that she can't communicate with her fans and she's pretty much the reason why I made this list.
20. Lauren Graham: otherwise known as Lorelai Gilmore. known for her quick and whitty repartee.
19. Elijah Wood: yum yum! too bad he's short.
18. Ellen Degeneres: Come on, she's Ellen, nuff said.
17. Sandra Bullock: She's in some my most favorite movies.
16. Julio Mathieu: My cousin, he's crazy as hell and he plays too much.
15. Matt Feldman: An old friend who I wish was still in my life.
14. Queen Latifah: If I was famous, I would be her.
13. Christina Aguilera: WOW!!! love her new style
12. Nichole Nordeman: Wonderful christian singer, wonderful singer in general.
11. Yvon Riviere: My older brother, wise beyond his years and he has my back.
10. Jason Padilla: Dat's ma homeboy rite derr. The best drummer in the world.
9. Joe Atanasio: Well, he's the male me, except he has more ambition and he's way hotter.
8. Kim Lawser: She's practically my twin, opposites but similar.
7. Charlie Kerridge-Smith. One of my best friends from England. Very motherly, but won't admit it.
6. Mollie D.: My friend from school. She's ridiculously sleepy but she has her eyes open to the world. Wants to do everything.
5. Kareen Riviere: My sister. She's a bit neurotic and often stressed but I wish I had her work ethic. I look up to her, but don't tell her that.
4. Joelle Pierre: My cousin. Everything that I wish to be. She's beautiful, she's smart, she's independent. I wish I was like her.
3. Joe Stoltz: My good friend. He makes me smile without knowing it. If things worked out my way, he would be THE ONE!!!
2. JC Chasez: My fantasy man. Everything that I look for in a man. He doesn't know that I exist but that is ok. Any man that I may date will have to worry about being compared to him.
1. Jesus: To think that anyone, existing or not, would sacrifice himself for people he doesn't know just to save them is amazing in my book.

That's my top 50. Enjoy it, don't be mad if you're not on it, it just means that I don't like you like that. I'm kidding of course. You're definitely in the top 100 cause I don't know that many people so you are in it.

Is it true?

Some people say that I have similar features with certain famous people. Is it true? You tell me.










Do I have Janet Jackson's smile and cheekbones? I have been told this by many people (mostly family). I don't know if they are telling the truth or of they are just being nice.














Do I have Naomi Campbell's eyes? So I've only heard this once a long time ago when I was 14 by my roommate. She's japanese and it could have been that she was comparing me to the first black famous person that she could think of or she was telling the truth. I can kinda see what she was talking about but who really know. Can
you tell me?









My friend told me to add Gabrielle Union to the list.

The Love of my Life

JC Chasez!!!!!! Just look at him, he is so beautiful. I don't just love him for his looks. He's an amazing singer and he is funny. He just turned 30. I'd love to think that he and I would be prefect but, he's famous and I'm not. Anyways, even after I'm married to whomever, hopefully to he who shall remain nameless, I will still be in love with this man.
I know that htis sounds stupid, but I don't really know what it was that made me love him. I was seven when I first saw him on tv on the Mickey Mouse Club. I'm 22 now and I still love him, ever since thn. My sister can vouge for that. I must be his biggest fan. Anyway. I may not be one of those crazy people who know everything about him or stalk him. I'm sane!! I just really love his music and his voice and his eyes, goodness gracious those eyes. So, this is my tribute to him. Wherever he is, whatever he's doing. I love you babe!!!

The things that are wrong with me

- I'm 90 lbs overweight
-I'm too tall
- I'm scared of stupid stuff.
- I have no drive.
- I'm overly obsessed with love.
- I have too many scars in the wrong places.
- I'm lazy.
-I come up with good ideas but I do nothing about it.
- I can't stand my family sometimes.
- I'm confused.
-I'm 22 and I don't have a license.
- I graduated from college and I don't have a job.
- I have no friends.
- I have a horrible past.
- I didn't succeed when I tried to kill myself.
- I should have picked a better major.
- I have a bad temper.
- I have a bad attitude.
- I should have stayed in therapy.
- I never got to do the things that I loved and I never will.
- I'm smart but I'm so stupid.
- I'm selfish sometimes.
- I can't/won't do things for myself.
- I'm pretty but unattractive.
- I'm self pitying.
- I keep my emotions bottled up.
- I'm a couch potato.
- I'm haitian-american
- I'm not the most hygenic person in the world. (goes with the whole won't do anything for myself thing.)
- I procrastinate.
- I don't stick to things for very long, but if I do, it's cause I'm obsessed.
- I'm too picky
- I'm a bitch.
- I have issues with dairy, but I will eat cheese till I'm blue in the face.
- I don't remember the last time I had fun.
- I'm too dependent.
- I lose focus.
- I'm allergic to shellfish but I'll eat shrimp or fried calamari hoping it'll kill me.
- I care too much.
- I'm bad with money.
- I have no patience.
- Little children irritate me.
- I'm not very fond of the current state of my country.
- I didn't register to vote cause I know that if I do, I'll be summoned for jury duty every month.
- I'm not right in the head which means I'll probably get out of jury duty.
- My hair is nappy.
- My feet are too big.

someone shoot me now

I know that they say that family is the most important thing in a person's life but sometimes they are jut much more effective when they are far away. Right now the most annoying members of my family (on my father's side of course) are spending the week here with my immediate family. the part that really sucks that most about their visit is that my parents go to work and my brother goes to school so it's just me and them. I wish I had someplace to go everyday, but I don't. None of my friends are around so I am stuck being here by myself.
Now my uncle must have some mental issues (no joke). I don't know if he really does or not but I don't want to be sensitive to him and his stupid questions. I mean really, why would he keep asking me everyday if I remember him or if I'm ok. Fuck!!! you asked me that already, leave me alone. I feel bad for feeling this way but there is a line that he needs to not cross and I think that he might have crossed it. The other day he was asking me if I had any friends in the area. I explained to him that all of the friends I had lived far away cause I lived on a campus for high school and college. So out of somewhere he draws up the neve to ask if he could meet my friends so that he cold be friends with them, especially my female friends. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM!! my parents aren't even friends with my friends, my sister isn't even friends with my friends. So why would I want my uncle who I've only seen about 5 times in my 22 years of living become friends with my friends. I swear, sometimes he just doesn't think. And now whenever I am alone in a room with him I feel extremely uncomfortable.

Free, I think

I've been moping around the house knowing that someone that I really really wanted to be with was happy with someone else. I had actually gotten to the point where I decided to forget about men for a while and focus on myself and my future. Every once in a while I'd look at picutres him and his girl and wonder why I never got a chance to have that with anyone or with him. Then I'd wonder why I was torturing myself like that and I'd try to forget him. But alas I could not. I'd constantly think about him, about our past, about everything and it hit me. I realized that if I ever wanted to have love or intense like, I'd have to stop moping and just chill out. Men do not equal happiness. Finally, now that I am comfortable with this idea, he tells me that he is not with this girl anymore. WTF!!! The old me almost came back for a second. I am keeping my promise to myself. I'm not trying to get hurt again no matter how much i might like this guy. I just know that he will always be a friend to me. If things grow further then they grow further.

I'm ok now

well I'm not sick anymore. yay me!! Last week I was in PA visiting my best friends. The three of us haven't been together in 4 years even though Charlie insists it's 5. Even so, 4 years feels so long that it might as well have been 5. Anyway, I ended up getting sick again. It's not fun to wake up in the morning and need to vomit or spend hours sitting on the toilet realizing that your period is going to get very violent soon. Other than the sick part, I had a really good time with my best friends. Kim became my best friend in our junior year of High school. We clicked the very first day that we met and literally that day we decided to be roommates. The next year, we were still roommates and we met Charlie. She is a firey british girl who did a post grad year that year. The three of us hit it off really well and became inseparable. 4 years later we are still meeting up with each other and staying in each other's lives. I don't know what I would do if i didn't have them in my life.

No Tonsil Hockey for Me

The last few days I haven't been feeling very well mostly because I have strep throat and I was feverish for a little while. I wassleeping all day and up all night unable to sleep. I didn't want to eat and would almost start to cry if my mom would shove some food in my face. I lost a couple of pounds which is alright with me but I wish I didn't have to get sick for it to happen.

The weather has been crazy as hell lately, raining, storming, perfect. make up your mind.

I've been wanting to paint something but I have no idea what to draw. I have no inspiration. I also need to find a job. I have no idea what kind I want of if I want to be working forever or if I want to go back to school or whatever. I just know that I have some talents that other people are supposedto notice but aren't. God probably doesn't think that I'm ready and I kinda agree with him.

So what now? I don't have any special love interests to talk about. Well I kinda do, but I know that assoon as I start talking about him, something bad is going to happen and he will be taken off of my prospective list and right now, he is pretty much the only guy on it. I don't want to say anything about him now mostly because I am afraid that if I do say something or admit any kind of feelings for the guy, then maybe things will get real in my head and in my heart. I don't think that either of us are ready for that. Oh well. There's nothing thatI can do about that but just live my life and keep dreaming the dreams that I dream.

~Regine

my new favorite

Shano is a really great artist. you should check out her website. Her paintings are magnificent and they combine fantasy with reality in a lovely way. I want to buy one of her paintings so bad but I'm too poor. Oh well, I guess I must admire from affar. Here is the website www.shano-studio.com or you can click on the title of this entry and it will take you straight to it.

New to this

My name is Regine and I just recently graduated from college. I have so much to look forward to but I'm afraid that things won't go my way. I decided to start this blog thing to get started on what I really want to do: WRITE!!! That is correct. I want to be a writer, more specifically a creative writer. So at some point I'll be putting poems or short stories on here. There are some old things that I have written that I could post and hopefully I can actually get some feedback on them or whatever. Anywho, on with the show!